My parents kicked me out of the house in the middle of the night this week.
It's because I wet the bed.
Course it didn't help that I was standing on the dresser when they caught me.
I think that's what woke them up

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat:

"I'm the greatest batter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest batter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nC0l2Pum-Cg

^Heard that one. Sorry. Looks like the Chair Force needs to requisition some new jokes.

*** GROAN ALERT *** GROAN ALERT *** GROAN ALERT *** GROAN ALERT ***

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments .

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with Heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

^I groaned, yet I also laughed. Not a LOL laugh, but a LQTM laugh. It still counts.

Here are a few of Eli's Dirty Jokes:

http://www.videosift.com/video/Elis-Dirty-Jokes-Track-Team
http://www.videosift.com/video/Elis-Dirty-Jokes-The-Farmers-Daughters
http://www.videosift.com/video/Elis-Dirty-Jokes-Hoshimota
http://www.videosift.com/video/Dirty-Jokes-With-Eli-Nice-to-Meet-You
http://www.videosift.com/video/Dirty-Jokes-With-Eli-Five-Birds

Ya, I know, pimping some of my own vid's (They all aren't mine). But hey, I need a crown!

OK, this is one of my favorite jokes. I realize it might not be popular, but I love it. I dedicate this joke to the biologically-unfunny crittter.

Two mathematicians are having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about what the unwashed masses understand about math. The first (and somewhat snotty) mathematician claims that the average American has trouble counting, much less doing complex math; the second (and rather down with the modern student, if he does say so himself) mathematician says people are generally smarter than they know, and you just have to encourage them to feel their inner Euler (so to speak).

The snotty one says, "OK, put your money where your mouth is: ask our waitress a simple Calculus question, and if she gets the answer right, you win the argument and I'll pay for dinner. But if she doesn't know what you are talking about, you have to shut up and pay up."

Our math "Dude" quickly agrees, but when the first guy goes to the mens' room, he quickly calls the waitress over and whispers, "It's not important, why, but I'm going to ask you a question when my friend comes back, and just remember that the answer is 'one third x-cubed.' You don't need to know why; all you need to know is there is a 50 dollar tip in it for you if you give me the answer correctly." She nods hurridly and paces off with a tray full of dishes.

Both of them back at the table, the waitress comes by to leave the check, the first guy raises his eyebrows with great significance at the second guy, and our math spokesman says, "Do you mind if I ask you what the integral of x-squared is?"

The waitress hems and haws and closely examines the ceiling while apparently trying to shove her tongue through the middle of her left cheek. Eventually she hesitantly says, "um, one third x-cubed...?"

Thanked for her answer, she picks up the payment (and hefty tip), and turns to walk away. Two steps away, she stops, turns back to the table, and announces clearly, "Plus a constant...ASSHOLE!"

A guy decides to take his girlfriend to Jamaica in order to propose to her.

A few days before they leave, he thinks it would be a great idea to get her name, "Wendy", tattooed on his penis, as a gesture of love.

While the couple is sitting in the restaurant where he's going to propose, he tells Wendy he needs to use the restroom.

He steps up to the urinal next to a Jamaican man, and for some reason he looks down and sees the guy's penis, which has the letters W-E-N-D-Y tattooed on it.

"No way!", he says, "Your girlfriend's name is Wendy, too?"

The Jamaican looks at him and says, "No, it says, 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"

A Democrat and a Republican walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Aren't you George W. Bush?" They both answer, "Yes!" The end. I never said it was funny. I was going for accuracy.

elementary school, art class. the teacher tells the children to draw anything that reminds them of Beethoven, the famous composer

one kid draws sheep and the teacher asks him why
"reminded me of pastoral symphony" says the kid

another kid draws moon and the stars
"moonlight sonata", the kid explains

the third kid draws a huge dick
the teacher goes nuts "i told you, this was supposed to be about Beethoven. explain yourself!"

and the kid says "für Elise"

Do you know what you get when a tyrannosaurus running eastwards at 25mph meets a tyrannosaurus running westwards at 15mph? Tyrannosaurus wrecks! Speaking of which, is it true that a tyrannosaurus can't hurt you if you're carrying a torch? Actually, it depends on fast you carry it!
Is this a joke thread or a cemetery? I've had livelier times at funerals. Reminds me of the gravedigger who got so bored he buried himself in his work.
Tusk tusk, mustn't be so boaring. Quickly moving on, do you know the difference between a cheeta and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other has a pause at the end of its clause. And let us end on that note.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry dude, I won't say anything."

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Can we downvote for groan-inducing jokes?

What's the difference between beer-nuts and deer-nuts?

Beer nuts are a $1.49, Deer nuts are under a buck.

^nice avatar, btw (going on a riot, are you?)

What's the difference between a band of pygmies and a girls track team?

Cinderella had grown to be a withered and poor old lady, as her husband the prince had died many years ago. All she had now for companionship was her cat and a filthy manger to live in.

One day she was cleaning a rusty pot and suddenly out flew a genie. "Thank you for freeing me after oh so many years", the genie said,"to thank you I will grant you three wishes!".

Cinderella thought about this for a few seconds, before she proudly rose and said, "For my first wish I want this manger to be made into a large and beautiful castle, like the one I once lived in!". And the genie made it so.

"For my second wish", Cinderella said, "I want you to make me young and beautiful again!" And the genie made the old Cinderella into a 19-year old, more beautiful than ever, dressed as a queen with fantastic dresses and royal jewelry.

"And for my third and final wish," Cinderella said, "I want you to make my cat into a young, handsome prince that I can marry!". And the genie once again delivered, turning the tired old cat into a beatiful young prince. Having fulfilled his promise, the genie disappeared forever, leaving the young couple alone together. Cinderella threw herself around the neck of her prince, thinking life had never been this good. The prince however, merely whispered into her ear: "I bet you're sorry you had my balls removed now!"

Comment hidden because you are ignoring dag. (show it anyway)

I read recently that this is the shortest joke in the world:

"Pretentious? Moi?"

>> ^choggie:
What's the difference between a band of pygmies and a girls track team?


One is a bunch of cunning runts.

What's the difference between a stubborn rooster and a divorce lawyer?

The rooster clucks defiant.

I've got two off the top of my head:

Superman is flying around the city, horny as all get out. He stops Aqua-man.
"Hey Aqua-man, where an I get some good pussy?"
Aqua-man says, "I was swimming by this island that's a hundred miles away and saw Wonder Woman sunbathing nude."
"Nah, I don't want to fly that far..." says Superman.
So he flies around some more and runs across Batman. "Hey Batman, where can I find some good pussy?" Batman says, "I was flying by this deserted island a hundred miles away and I saw Wonder Woman..."
"Gah! I've already heard that one," exclaims Superman. So he flys around the city some more and runs across Spider-man. "Hey Spidy, where can I find some good pussy?"
"Well, I heard that Wonder Woman..."
"Ah, hell," Superman shouts. "Fuck it. I'll fly the hundred miles."

So he flies out to the island, and he's hovering above it and sure enough, there's Wonder Woman, lying on the beach nude, spread eagle. Superman thinks, 'Well how can I fuck her and still have her respect me? .... I know! I'll fly down, fuck her at lightspeed, and she'll never know what happened!'
So he flies down, fucks her at lightspeed and flys off.

Wonder Woman is laying there and says, "What the fuck was that?" And the Invisible Man says "I don't know but my ass sure hurts..."



And second...

What's a 6.9?
A sixty-nine interrupted by a period.

A dumb blond decides that she needs some extra money, so decides to offer her services as a handyman around town. She goes door to door, asking if there's any extra work that needs to be done. She approaches a very expensive house, which has an expansive porch that circles the front of the house. She knocks on the door and is promptly greeted by a man.

"Hi, I need some extra money and wanted to know if there's any extra work that you need done around the place," she says, as she twiddles her pigtails.

"Well, yeah...," he says, smiling. "Do you know how to paint?"

"I sure do!" she responds bubbly.

"Well, I'll tell you what. If you can paint my porch, I'll give you $10. There's paint and paintbrushes in the garage."

"Ok, sir! I'm on it!" and she bounces away.

The man's wife had been overhearing the conversation and berates him. "Are you kidding me? Does she even know how long that porch is?? That's unfair to take advantage of her like that."

"I know it," he says, smiling fiendishly.

Twenty minutes later, the door bell rings. The man answers the door, and there's the blond, covered in paint. "Well, I'm all done!" she says. But he sees nary a drop of paint on the porch.

"Sorry it took me so long," she continues. "I had trouble getting into the corners. Oh, and by the way, that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

While driving down a country road a man notices a sign outside an orchard that says "Apples, $50 / Lb". He's surprised about the incredibly high price, and pulls in to inquire.

"So tell me about these apples, why so expensive?" He asks the farmer.
"Well these apples are special, they taste like sandwiches." the farmer replies.
"Sandwiches? What kind of sandwiches?"
"Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Here, try one." Says the farmer, passing an apple.

The man bites into the apple and sure enough, it tastes like peanut butter.
"I taste peanut butter" Says the man, "but no jelly".
"Try the other side." Says the farmer and sure enough it tastes like jelly.

The man is well-enough impressed, and buys two pounds for a hundred dollars. Further down the road, he sees another sign: "Apples, $200 a pound" again curious he turns in and inquires.

"They taste like sandwiches." Says this farmer.
"What kind of sandwiches?"
"Ham and cheese sandwiches."

So the man bites one side of the apple, and sure enough, it tastes like ham. The other side tastes like cheese. Again impressed by the novelty of the apples, the man buys a pound for two hundred dollars.

To the man's surprise, he sees another sign, this time for apples at $500 a pound. He pulls in to this orchard, too.

"What kind of sandwiches do your apples taste like?" Inquires the man.
The farmer blushes and looks around before quietly replying "They taste like pussy." The man is intrigued, and asks to try one. Upon taking a bite he starts violently retching and spitting.

"Yeah, yeah, turn it over." Says the farmer.

I heard this one awhile ago and just like it because it's very Alice-In-Wonderland, ie. nonsense:

If you're walking through the desert with a canoe on your head, and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes does it take to re-shingle your doghouse?

About a football this blue. (hold hands apart 12 inches)

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

A local pastor and his son were fishing alongside of an old gravel road, when an unfamiliar car drove past. The preacher yelled "Turn yourself around before it's too late" and held up a sign saying "The End is Near!"

The driver didn't appreciate the sign and shouted: "Leave us alone, you religious nut!".

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, and the boy said to the pastor: "You think maybe we should write 'Bridge Out!' on that sign?'".

An athiest, a priest, and a bishop are standing around and talking, and the priest and bishop start arguing about how the collection should be divided. The bishop angrily tells the priest "Look, you draw a circle on the ground, throw the money up into the air, and whatever lands inside the circle goes to the church, and whatever is outside belongs to you."

The priest, of course, disagreed completely. "You simpleton, it's exactly the opposite! You draw the circle and throw the money like you said, but what lands inside the circle is yours and the stuff outside goes to the church."

The athiest, who is long tired of their arguing, decides to put an end to their petty arguing.

"What I'd do if I were you," he said, "is throw the money up into the air and let God take what he wants."

Misogynistic yes, but I like this one just due to the word play:

Why does a husband like his wife to wear white in the wedding? Because you always want your dishwasher to match your fridge.

A stingy old millionaire is on his deathbead and calls his attorney, priest, and doctor to his side. He gives each of them a third of his millions of dollars, making them promise to put the money into his casket at his funeral to keep his greedy relatives from getting any of it.

On the day of the funeral, a few weeks later, the three men go up one at a time, and each deposits the money in the casket at the end of the ceremony right before the casket is buried.

The doctor and priest are both crying miserably. "We could have advanced so many medical techniques! Maybe even cured cancer!" wailed the doctor. "There are so many starving children in Africa that could have been fed by that money!" moaned the priest.

The lawyer walks up whistling cheerfully, and asks them why they're so upset. "How can you not be? There's no way you make THAT much money! To see it all go to waste like that is just unbearable."

"You guys are idiots," the lawyer replies. "I wrote him a check."

*rimshot*

>> ^Kreegath:
Do you know what you get when a tyrannosaurus running eastwards at 25mph meets a tyrannosaurus running westwards at 15mph? Tyrannosaurus wrecks! Speaking of which, is it true that a tyrannosaurus can't hurt you if you're carrying a torch? Actually, it depends on fast you carry it!
Is this a joke thread or a cemetery? I've had livelier times at funerals. Reminds me of the gravedigger who got so bored he buried himself in his work.
Tusk tusk, mustn't be so boaring. Quickly moving on, do you know the difference between a cheeta and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, the other has a pause at the end of its clause. And let us end on that note.

How can you tell when a blond is having a bad day?

There's a tampon behind her ear, and she can't remember where she put her pencil.

So a guy decides to go skydiving for the first time in his life and is very nervous. He gets in the air, and approaches the pilot, who happens to be Middle-Eastern.

"What happens if my chute doesn't open?" "The reserve chute should get you safely to the ground," the pilot responds.

"But what happens of my reserve doesn't open either?" "Then pray to Allah," the pilot says.

"But I'm Christian," he retorts. The pilot shakes his head. "Pray to Allah."

'Ok..,' he thinks. So he jumps out of the plane, pulls his rip cord, and the chute doesn't open. He pulls his reserve; doesn't open. He starts praying to God. Nothing happens. Sure that he's going to die, he gives in and starts praying to Allah. Just as he's flying past a cloud, a big, brown hand comes out and catches him, placing him gently on the ground.

"Oh, thank God!" he exclaims. Right then, a big, brown foot comes out of the cloud. *SQUISH*

Why are blond jokes so short?

So brunettes will remember them!

(some revenge for all the blonds out there)

George Bush, a boy scout, a grandfather, and an up-and-coming businessman are on a plane together, when the pilot comes back and tells them that the plane is running out of fuel and they're going to have to jump for it. However, there are only four parachutes for the five of them.

The pilot says "I'm really sorry, but I've got a wife and kids at home waiting for me, I'm not about to die," and he grabs a parachute and jumps.

The businessman says "I just got a promotion and am in charge of a team making a breakthrough cellphone technology, I'm not about to give that money up!" and he too grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane.

George Bush says "Now kid, I know that I said no child left behind, but you gotta understand that there are still a lot of terrorfulistic threats out there, and as the President of the United States of America, I need to be there to lead this great nation through these dark times." And saying this, he too grabs a pack and jumps out of the plane.

The grandfather smiles slightly sadly at the boy and tells him to go on and take the last chute. "You've got your whole life ahead of you, and my wife recently passed away, so there's not really anything tying me to this life anymore."

"Don't worry about it," said the boy scout, "that meathead excuse for a President just grabbed my backpack."

A married couple of almost 20 years was lying in bed one evening, when the woman felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became still. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
"I found the remote," he mumbled.

Apart from the one in my profile I like these (one for every taste)

1.
Q: If Mrs. Sippi wore Ms. Ouris new jersey, what would Dela wear?
A: Idaho, but Alaska.

2.
During a break in a cabinet meeting, George W. Bush overhears a conversation between Robert Gates and Condoleeza Rice.

Gates:
I have a riddle for you: "It is the daughter of your mother, but not your sister. Who is it?"
Rice thinks for a second: "Easy! That is me!"

George, always looking for a way to prove that he is actually way smarter than everyone thinks, goes over to Dana Perino and asks her the same thing.

Bush: "Hey there Dana, listen, I have got a riddle for you: It is the daughter of your mother, but not your sister. Who is it?"

Dana quickly responds: "Too easy, that is me of course!"

Bush: "Nope, wrong! I was surprised myself, but it is Condoleeza Rice!"

3.
A guy has been suffering from a terrible headache for years. He tried everything from acupuncture to heavy drugs and is really desperate when he finally flies to Shanghai to speak to his last source of hope: A surgeon specialized in hopeless headache cases.
The doctor examines him, asks a few questions and then tells him: "I see nothing wrong, surely you are one of the worst cases that has ever come before my eyes, but I do have a possible cure for your condition. It might seem drastic, but in hopeless cases like yours, a total removal of both testicles seems to be the only option."
The man thinks for a bit, but then quickly agrees to have the surgery, since he just can not bear the pain in his head anymore.
The surgery works like a miracle. The man feels very relieved and is happy that someone was finally able to help him. Overflowing with joy and to celebrate a new starting point in his life without the terrible headache, he decides to go to a local tailor and get new clothes from head to toe.
The tailor seems very professional, because he instantly guesses the mans shirtsize as a 42" chest without even measuring him. "Wow" the man thinks, this guy is really good!" When it comes to choosing the pants, the tailor again sais: "I see that you are wearing a 32 inseam". Again he is absolutely correct. The pants fit perfectly Then the man decides to put the tailor to one final test and sais: "I bet you can not guess my underwear size!"
The tailor gives him a quick glance and sais: "That is easy, you are a size 34!"
"Ha!" the man sais, "I guess you are not perfect after all! I have been wearing a size 32 for all my adult life!"
Tailor sais: "No, trust me, a size 32 would give you a terrible headache!"

Oh and another one:

A blonde buys a chainsaw to cut down some trees in her backyard and gets the one that sais "Guaranteed to cut down 100 trees a day" on the box.
"Great" she thinks "I only want to cut down 5 trees, but I bet this one will get the job done in no time at all!"

Three days later returns to the shop dirty and sweaty and sais: "I am sorry, but this is very misleading advertising! It sais I can cut down 100 trees in a week and it took me 3 days to cut down just one! Something is clearly not right!"
The shop attendant sais: "Alright, lets see if we can figure out what the problem is", yanks the cord and starts the motor.

The blonde sais: "What is that sound?"

First joke was when I found out that you were responsible for another human life, KP.

Second Joke:

Michael is sitting in a chair at his barbershop. Worried about his receding hairline, he confides in his barber about what he could possibly do to fix the problem. Hearing his case, the patron in the chair beside Michael leans over and whispers to him "I couldn't help but overhear your problem. I've found that pussy juice always works for me." "But you're balder than I am!" replies Michael, to which the man responds "Yea, but you've got to admit, I've got one hell of a mustache!"

^ I've got a pretty good tash, but i'm recedding steadily...

Ok heres a family friendly one before I lower the tone of the page:

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It went down the road and turned into a field...

tumbleweeds....

Whats the difference between an egg and a BJ?

You can beat an egg.

Ok NSFW time, apologies in advance, this is the vilest joke I've heard, which is why I cant forget it, I'm really sorry everybody:

What do you get if you put a baby in a microwave??


an erection

I'm really sorry. BTW if your ever on a date and you get drunk and start telling each other jokes, dont tell that one, trust me on this

God creates the lands.
One angel starts to complain about Brazil:
"Lord, it doesn´t seem fair or balanced. This land have no natural disasters, earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis. It is very beautiful, with miles of paradisiac beaches and lush forests. Whatever you plant there, it grows. And there is exquisite fruits everywhere!"
The Lord replies:
"No worries, you haven´t seen the jerks that will inhabit it!"

There is an international feminist rally.

German Delegate:
"I told Fritz to make his own lunch.
On the first day, I saw nothing done.
On the second day, nothing done.
on the thir, fritz was making his own Sauerkraut"
Applause all around

American Delegate:
"I told Jake to make his own breakfast.
On the first day, I saw nothing done.
On the second day I also saw nothing.
On the third day Jake was making his own bacon"
Applause all around

Brazilian Delegate:
"I told Joao he would have to wash his own underwear
On the fist day, i saw nothing.
On the second day, I saw nothing.
On the third day my black eye was less swollen and I could see a little bit".

"mom, I hate grandpa!"
"thats ok, eat only your potatoes then"

That last one isn't the most vile, but it's up there. It's the 100-point gold star of bad jokes, if you will.

>> ^moodonia:
Ok heres a family friendly one before I lower the tone of the page:
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the road and turned into a field...
tumbleweeds....
Whats the difference between an egg and a BJ?
You can beat an egg.
Ok NSFW time, apologies in advance, this is the vilest joke I've heard, which is why I cant forget it, I'm really sorry everybody:
What do you get if you put a baby in a microwave??

an erection
I'm really sorry. BTW if your ever on a date and you get drunk and start telling each other jokes, dont tell that one, trust me on this

A farmer's son wakes up in the morning and is starving, so he goes downstairs for breakfast.

His mom says, "Before you can eat you need to milk the cow, get the eggs from the chickens, and feed the pigs."

"That's not fair!", he screams. But the mom insists.

So the boy grumbles as he's walking out to the field. He's so mad that after he milks the cow, he kicks it. Then when he grabs the eggs, he kicks the chicken. Then when he feeds the pig, he kicks it.

When he comes back in, absolutely starving, his mom throws a cold bowl of oatmeal on the table in front of him.

"What's this?", he says. "Where's my warm breakfast?!"

The mom says, "Well, you kicked the cow, so you get no milk. You kicked the chicken, so you get no eggs. You kicked the pig, so you get no bacon."

As she says this, the father comes down the stairs and trips over the cat. He gets so angry that he kicks it.

The boy looks at his mom and says, "Do you want me to tell him the bad news?"

Three engineers were sitting in a coffee shop discussing theology.

"God has to be a mechanical engineer," the first said. "Look at the power and efficiency of the muscular system. It provides power for the whole body, repairs itself, lasts for years, and is far and away more advanced than anything we've ever built."

"Not so," the second said. "God must be an electrical engineer -- Look at the subtle beauty of the nervous system. The entire system is delicate yet robust, provides us our thoughts and drives, and is leaps and bounds beyond anything we've ever built."

"You guys are on the wrong track," the third said. "God is most certainly a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a major recreational area?"

*quality participation, me thinks...

And thinker's breakfast joke reminded me of this one:
A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The older boy explains that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing, “like grown-ups do” he says. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, “When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.” “OK!” says his little brother.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, “Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some corn flakes.”
The surprised mother reacts quickly and smacks him hard across the face: 'WHACK!' The 7-year-old runs upstairs, bawling his eyes out. With a stern look, the mother then turns to her younger son, “And what do YOU want for breakfast?”
“I don't know,” the 4-year-old stammers, “but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be corn flakes!”

Awarding kronosposeidon with one star point for this contribution to Sift Talk - declared quality by firefly.

Sorry for the double post, but I wanted each joke to have its own rating.

A New York banker is working diligently at First National when a blonde woman walks in and applies for a $5000 loan.

"What do you need the money for?" the banker asks her.

"I'm leaving for California tomorrow, and I'll be on vacation for two weeks," she replies.

"Tomorrow?" The banker questions. "I don't know if we can do that -- After all, we need time to run a credit check on you."

"Oh, don't worry about that," she replies cheerfully. "My Lexus is parked in the lot; I'll put that up for collateral."

The banker, realizing the value of her car well exceeds the amount of the loan, agrees to the deal and the woman goes on her way. Her Lexus is taken to a secure lot where the bank staff keeps a close eye on it, parking it in the shade and even giving it a throurough wash to keep it clean. In two weeks the woman returns as promised, repaying the loan plus interest, totalling $5017.41.

"Thank you for your business," the banker says. "Our staff will bring your car around in a few minutes, but in the meantime, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Go ahead," the woman replies.

"While you were away, we went ahead and ran a credit check on you anyways. To our surprise, we found that you had a couple million dollars in assets and are generally very well off. So why did you need a five-thousand dollar loan from us?"

"Where else in New York does two weeks parking cost only seventeen dollars and forty-one cents?"

Since were on the subject of vile jokes, these two are probably the worst ones I know...you were forewarned. Just remember, I didn't write 'em, I'm just typing 'em.

A girl has been asked to go to the prom, but puts off asking her father as he's very strict. So she waits until the last minute, but finally decides she'd better ask him.

"Dad, can I go to the prom?" she asks.

"No," he says sternly.

"But Dad, I've already got the dress, my boyfriend has his car, everything is perfect. I really want to go....please?"

He thinks about it for minute. "Ok, but you have to suck my dick."

"WHAT??! Oh, gross! How could you..?"

"No dick, no prom..." he says turning back to his TV. She pouts and cajoles for a bit, but he's not budging.

"Fine," she says. So she kneels down and starts to go to town, when she pulls back and screams "Ugh! Your dick tastes like shit!"

"Yeah, I know, your brother wanted to borrow the car."


And finally...

What's the definition of relative humidity? The sweat that accumulates on your balls as you're fucking your sister.


And with that, I'm off to get an intravenous injection of holy water...

This one was on an email passed a while back. Maybe it was popular. Sorry if you've heard it.

A city boy in the Witness Protection Program moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.”

“Well then, just give me my money back.”

“Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

“Okay then. Just unload the donkey.”

“What ya gonna do with him?”

“I’m going to raffle him off.”

“You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, “Whatever happened with that dead donkey?”

“I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.”

“Didn’t anyone complain?”

“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

I didnt want to go THAT FAR, but inspired by Videosiftbanned me, an even viler version:

Brother says to sister:
"Sis!! you f*ck just like mom!"
"I know. daddy says that all the time"

This made tea come out of my nose. My jumper thanks you
>> ^videosiftbannedme:
And finally...
What's the definition of relative humidity? The sweat that accumulates on your balls as you're fucking your sister.

And with that, I'm off to get an intravenous injection of some holy water...

In the vein of truly terrible jokes...


What's the difference between milk and a baby?















I always check to see if the milk's expired before I use it in my cooking.

Ooh, ooh! Blankfist just told me a joke that he swears is brand new. Are you ready? Okay, here it goes:

Pull my finger.

a guy walks into a bar and see's two people that look suspiciously like george bush and dick cheney, plotting.

so he walks up to the bartender and says "is that bush and cheney over there?" and the bartender says "yea"

so the guy walks over and asks "hey what are you guys up to?"

Bush replies "we're planning WWIII."

the guy asks "how are you gunna do that?"

bush replies "we'll kill 3 billion iraqis and one bicycle repair man."

the guy looks confused and asks "why are you gunna kill a bicycle repair man?"

bush then looks at cheney and says "see? i told you no one would care about the iraqis!"

In the vein of the vile jokes, I need to tell one. Please don't baninate me for this. ha.


How do you make a baby cry twice?

Wipe the bloody dildo on her teddy bear.


What's that burning smell? Oh yeah. It's me!

"Mommy, mommy, I don't want to be sleeping in the same bed with granpa anymore, he stinks!"

"Well, don't you worry, sweety, we'll have saved enough money for the funeral in just a couple of days."

and another one on a similar note:

"Mommy, mommy, I don't wanna go to Australia..."

"You shut your mouth and keep digging!"

This one may be old, I dunno, but I had written it in English before, so it was just a copy-paste.

A 47-year-old bachelor decides to have a complete facial cosmetic surgery, just because his luck with the ladies is dwindling and, well, simply because he can.

After thousands of $$$ paid and several hours of hard surgical work, the procedure is complete and as the man inspects his new self in a mirror, behold! a miraculous visage! - even all the doctors agree this is the best decorative surgery they've ever seen.

As the man checks out of the hospital, he decides to treat himself for a walk. And just as he walks down the first street, ladies survey him with great interest and awkward smiles, some giggle and even blush - finally, the man knows what it's like being a male supermodel.

However, all that hospital food has him gone quite peckish, and our hero opts for masses as he sets foot in a McDonalds. Even sassy teens eye him over their trays of fast-food and the shy sales-girl cannot contain her obvious desire. Impressed with himself and with this newly-found self-esteem slash arrogance, the man asks her,
"Hey, how old do you think I am?"
"I don't know, 29, maybe?"
"No, wrong! I'm 47, actually. Ain't it cool?!"
And he walks off with much gusto and complacence.

As he finishes his meal, he decides it's high time to return to his humble abode, and with that, he leaves for a bus. On his way to the stop, a group of three girls are about to pass him in the opposite direction, all having eyed him with great interest, so he asks them, too:
"Ladies, will you take a guess at my age?"
"Well, OK. 31?" one of them is quick to reply.
"No way, he's more like 27-something". Another one says.
"Yeah, but I'm actually 47! Really, not kidding!"

And he strolls off to the lonely bus-stop. There, he spends a couple of minutes waiting by himself, until an elderly granny joins him. What the hell:
"Hey there! I bet you cannot guess my age."
"Well, sonny, I'd love to, but I'm afraid I might not be as good at this as I was in my youth."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you see, when I was a young and pretty lass, I used to have this talent-if a man was to ever let me suck his cock, I'd be able to tell his age with absolute accuracy. It never failed me, but now, it's been years since I last tried it..."
Well, it's a completely empty street, and the payoff would be boasting his good looks yet again-
"Well all right then."

After a not so quick bj which the old lady seems to have enjoyed immensely, she stands up, shakily, and exclaims "47"! to which the man is completely dumbstruck. After a long pause, he inquires,
"But... I mean, how does this work? How are you able to tell this, cause I don't look anything like 47..."
"Well, that's my bus right there, sonny, so I'll be straight with you - I was behind you in line at the McDonalds."

OK, last one. For now.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained,
"I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

What do cat turds and women have in common?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

a guy walks into a bar. he walks up to the bar and sits next to someone. he turns to them and asks "wanna hear a redneck joke?"

the second guy then turns to the man and says "before you go on, just know that im 6'0", 200lbs, and a redneck. the guy next to me is 6'2", 225lbs, and also a redneck. the guy next to him is 6'4", 250lbs, and also a redneck. are you sure you still wanna tell that joke?"

and the first guy says "nah, i dont feel like explaining it three times."

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a double shot of tequila. After throwing it back he orders another. He tossed that one back and asked for one more. The bar tender then asked what the occasion was, and the man replied "my first blow job." The bartend said "thats great! Here, the next one is on the house" and he poured the man a 4th drink. "the man pushed the glass away and said "no thanks. If the first three didn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

So KronosP Pmed me the other day and said, "Dude I think Blankfist is gay."

"Yeah? why do you say that?" I asked him.

KP answered back: "because his cock tastes like shit"


True Story.

A guy is out with his girl one night, eating in a nice restaurant. She orders the meatballs, and they begin to eat. A few minutes go by and all of a sudden, he makes her laugh so hard while eating, she begins to choke.

Realizing she's choking, he panics. "Oh Jesus, somebody do something!" he yells.

Up from a table springs a man, who swiftly runs over and grabs the girl. Before anybody can stop him, he rips her pants off, bends her over, and jams his tongue straight into her ass.

Surprised, she spits out the lodged meatball and begins to scramble away from the man. The boyfriend grabs the guy, and yells "What the hell was that?!"

"Hey, haven't you ever heard of the HindLick maneuver?"

An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the teller's window that she wished to deposit the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately $3,000,000, he telephoned the bank president's secretary for an appointment for the lady.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she replied. It was quiet for several seconds.

"I bet people," she offered. Seeing his confusion, she said, "For instance, I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning...your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her who the other man was, she informed the president that it was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been."

"I'm afraid I'm going to need verification," her hand offered out.

"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." The president complies, unzipping his pants and dropping his drawers. The old lady grabs his balls. Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asks the old lady, "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today, I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

yeah, i suck at jokes anyway.
thanks for the brave sympathy vote dag, but i know it's true, because i don't usually actually laugh at jokes. only outright absurdity. but, i'll tell everyone the only other joke i know anyway, especially because even though it's really crude.

What do K-mart and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both have little boys' pants half-off.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.


"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

Sorry if that is the oldest joke ever, they don't let me out.

A guy is at a bar and he is really drunk. He is so drunk in fact that he throws up on his shirt. He is very upset and tells the bartender that his wife is going to kill him if she finds out what happened. The bartender tells the guy it is ok. He tells the man, "Put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket and when you go home, tell your wife that a guy was drunk and threw up on your shirt, but he gave you $10 to get it cleaned. Then show your wife the $10."

The guy says that is a great idea.

Later on the guy arrives home and his wife sees him and asks him what the hell happened? He tells his wife just what the bartender told him. He said he was at the bar and this drunk guy was so drunk that he threw up on his shirt but he gave him $10 to get his shirt cleaned. Then he reaches in his shirt pocket and pulls out the $10. His wife looks at it and says, "Hey, that is a $20." The guy then says, "Oh I forgot, the guy also shit in my pants."

Three men were escaping from a prison.
The prison was located on a small island few miles from the main land so they had to swim for a long time before they got to the shore.
One of the men didn‘t have enough energy to swim this long so he drowned right before they got to the shore.

The other two dragged the body with them to the land and tried to revive him.
The only problem was that neither one of them knew how to perform CPR.
Then one of them says: “I think were supposed to blow air up his ass to clear out the water.”
“How are we supposed to do that?” Says the other one.
“I found this short piece of hose. We can stick one end up his ass and blow in the other end.”

The men decide that is the best thing to do, so they flip him over, pull down his pants, stick the hose up his ass and start blowing.
After one of them has been blowing for some time he gets tired and asks the other one to take over.
The other man takes the hose but instead of blowing in to it he yanks it out of the dead guys ass and turns it the other way.
When he is about to stick the other end in the ass his friend stops him and asks him what hell he thinks he’s doing.
The man looks at him surprised and says: “Do you think I am going to use the same end as you?”

Two blondes were walking in the woods one day when they came to a set of tracks.


"These are deer tracks!" said the one

"No, these are moose tracks!" said the other
The two of them stood there as they spent the next 15 minutes arguing over who was right

And then the train hit them.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

A guy walks into a bar. He walks up to the chinese bartender and says, "give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender says,"OK, once upon a time there were 4 bears..."

A Catholic priest and a rabbi are driving on a country road when they see a young boy sitting next to the road several hundred yards ahead of them. The priest asks the rabbi, "Should we fuck that young boy over there?" The rabbi replies, "out of what?"

Three drunks are in a bar, explaining how terrible their lives are, particularly what happened to them the night before.

"You want to know how bad my life is?" the first drunk asks. "Last night while driving home, I wrapped my car around a tree and I don't have any insurance."

"That's nothing," the second drunk retorts. "I got home last night, let myself in and found my wife was fucking my next door neighbor!"

"Yeah, well I got both of those beat. When I got home last night," the third drunk starts, "I blew chunks all over the place..."

There's silence as the third drunk stares sorrowfully into his beer. "Yeah?" the second drunk says, "what so horrible about that? That's nothing!"

"No," the third drunk says. "You guys don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

my favorite one, only because I can always remember it:

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?


...nothing. It just let out a little whine.

...and one I heard yesterday:

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up agai n and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother."

Since KP quoted me in the intro, I guess I'll have to share one more;

I will never call one of those sex lines again. I've always been curious about what goes on, so I called one the other night. A sexy girl answered the phone. She says "you ready to party?" I said, "Oh, yeah." She says, "get your dick out, got your dick out?" I said, "Oh, yeah baby," She says, "are you strokin' it good?" I said, "like crazy, what's next?" She says, "hang on a minute, your Mom wants to talk to you."

A farmer is looking to buy a stud rooster for the henhouse. He sees an add in the gazette for the rooster of all roosters. He goes to the guy's farm and the farmer says, "$1,000 for this baby because you have never seen a rooster like this one." So, the farmer hands over the money and takes the rooster back to his farm. That night there is total mayhem in the henhouse as the rooster is working over the hens. At the crack of dawn the farmer wakes up to the rooster crowing, looks out the window and the rooster is humping his dog like a maniac. In the afternoon he hears a commotion outside and he sees the rooster chasing the pigs, finally catching one, and then working it over thoroughly. The farmer decides to take action, so he goes out into the barnyard and grabs the rooster, "Look here rooster, you are going to kill yourself at this pace, you have to calm down." The rooster nods and crows.
Near sunset the farmer looks out in the barnyard and the rooster is flat on its back with buzzards circling ever lower. He walks out, looks at the prostrate rooster and says, "see, I told you it was going to kill you."
The rooster opens one eye, peeks at the buzzards and whispers, "shhhhhhh....they're just about to land."

What do elephants use for tampons? ..........Sheep.

I listen to that radio station KPMS quite a bit. Their programming alternates, 2 weeks of rocknroll, 1 week of blues, and then 1 week of ragtime.

What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede........a walkie-talkie.

I just got back from a pleasure trip........I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

How do you keep a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off their head.

A lawyer's son is in the 4th grade. He comes home from school and that evening they are having dinner when his Dad says, "so, son what did you learn in school today?" His son says, "the teacher talked about something called "ethics". The father says, "well, did you understand what she meant?," The boy responds, "not really."
The father pushes back his chair and says, "OK, here, let me give you an example of ethics. Let's say I do some legal work for a little elderly lady. Let's say her bill comes to $500. She comes into my office, walks up to my secretary, opens her purse and hands 5 brand new crisp $100 bills to her. She gets her receipt and walks out. As my secretary is putting the cash in the box, she discovers that 2 bills were stuck together, so the old lady had actually overpaid by $100. Son, this is where ethics comes into play.............do I tell my partners?"

You might be a redneck if your mother doesn't even take the cigarette out of her mouth as she tells the state-trooper to kiss her ass.

3 dogs are in adjacent cages at the veterinarian. The dogs start discussing their situations. One dog offers, "Man, I really blew it. I chewed up the brand new couch and my owners said it was the last straw, so they brought me here to be put down. What about you guys?"
The next dog says, "I bit the mailman for the last time. My owners said they couldn't risk it anymore, so they brought me here to be put down."
"Bummer," says the first dog. "yeah, I know," replies the second.
They both look at the third dog, "what about you, what's your story?"
"Well, my master's wife likes to do housework in the nude. This morning she was scrubbing the kitchen floor on her hands and knees when I came thru the kitchen door. I looked at her and couldn't help myself. I just ran over there and started humping her like crazy."
"Oh my," exclaimed the first 2 dogs, "I can understand why she would want to put you down for that."
"Oh, I'm not here to be put down, she dropped me off to get my nails trimmed."

A boy comes home from school one day and tells his mother that he's had sex with his teacher.

Infuriated, she yells at the boy and sends him to his father for punishment, but much to the surprise of the boy, his father is quite pleased and even proud of his son's sexual exploits. So much so, that he decides to buy his boy a new bike.

Later at the bike store, the father asks his son if he'd like to ride his new bike home, to which the son replies, "I'd love to, but my ass is still a bit tender from the sex".

An anti-joke:

A deer walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Blood is the lipstick of wounds"

The bartender has no idea how or why the deer says this.

WARNING!! PHILOSOPHICAL!!


Question: How is a girl from Espanola like a bowling ball??

Answer: You would ONLY eat one if you ABSOLUTELY HAD TO!!!

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.


The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit...


"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"


George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,.... "How about a quickie this morning?"


"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton!"


As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers..........


"It's pronounced, 'Quiche.'

Why is bar-b-que not popular in Espanola?? Becausew the beans keep falling through the grill!!

Why is American beer like sex in a rowboat?

They're both fucking close to water.

why did the scarecrow win an award?

he was outstanding in his field

i got your philosophy joke right here:

rene descartes walks into a bar. the bartender says "can i get you a beer?"

descartes says "i think not" and disappears.

I drink, therefore I am... invisible...

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?........................Fish!

A priest goes duck hunting with a friend. They are in the duck blind when one flies by. The friend takes a shot and misses. "God dammit, I missed!"
"Son," says the priest. "That's not pleasing to God and could land you in hell."
The friend just looks at the priest. A few minutes later, another duck flies by, the friend shoots and misses. "God Dammit, I missed again!"
"My son," says the priest. "Heed my words, that displeases God and you will suffer the consquences." A minute or two later a black cloud passes over. A lightning bolt streaks out of the sky, hits the priest,and kills him dead. The friend looks up to the heavens as a loud voice comes roaring down from above,
"God dammit, I missed again."

Q: Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?

A: Because she smells like a new truck!

Why do they name hurricanes after women?

Because they come in humid and wet, and when they leave the take the house and the car.

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?




One is a scum-sucking bottomfeeder, the other is a fish.

How do you tell the difference between a can of chicken soup and a can of tomato soup?




READ THE LABEL.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Did you hear "Jared" from the Subway ads recently got divorced?

As part of the settlement his wife gets 9 inches of every footlong sub.

^heh, got a smile and a slight chuckle out of me.

An Inuk and a Cree Indian were both out Goose hunting near their shared border. They both shoot a goose at the same time, it falls to the ground, and both walk up to it. Perplexed, they try to figure out who should get the goose.

The Inuk exclaims "We'll hold a test of manhood to decide who gets it."

He explains that they should kick each other in the balls until one of them gives up - the winner keeps the goose.

The Cree Indian agrees, and he spread his legs to give the Inuk his first shot. The Inuk, being a lifelong hunter, is very strong and stout. He runs up, kicks the Cree in the balls as hard as he can, and laughs hard as the Indian writhes around in pain. After recovering from the pain, the Indian stands up and says "My Turn."

The Inuk responds "Take it, it's just a goose" and walks away.