I fucking hate pelicans.

Two days after I bought me a brand new '97 Camero Z-28, I was doing the 500 mile break-in and decided to drive up to the San Mateo coast for a nice little blaze up sesh at that beach next to Pescadaro. I park my new baby and trot down to the beach. Three hours and far too many hits later, I stumble back to my car.

And there, on the freshly-waxed hood of my Poor Man's 'vette, is a gigantic green, dinner-plate sized, dead-fish reeking gelatenous birdshit. This thing was fucking epic, too. At first, I was pissed, then I kinda had a sense of admiration 'cause y'all don't see that kinda bird turd every day -- it was really a once-inna-lifetime experience -- but then I went back to being fucking furious when the breeze blew the stench of rotting fish in my direction and I knew I be smelling that shit all the way down Highway 1 and back over 17. Oh yeah, and it was as thick as a pancake, too, and it was bookin' no shit from the poor Mexican fuck with the power washer that I paid $10 to wash it off back in Mountain View.

I know a pelican did it, too. Pelicans got no sense of decency. That goddamn flying monstrosity took one look at my bitchin' Camaro and said, "Yup, you're fucked now Human!" I'm sure that feathered fucker was storing that guano up for a week, just waiting for some oblivious stoner to park his BRAND FUCKING NEW car in that particular spot so it could projectile shit all over the hood.

Goddamn pelicans.

I love that stretch of coast.
As a teen I used to party at hidden beach a few miles North. The only access was a sketchy 6" wide path on the cliffside, so we knew cops wouldn't bother us there.
Should've taken 84 home, less time driving in the stink and you could've gotten great BBQ in La Honda. ;-)

The Pelican
The Pelican
His beak can hold
More than his belly can
And I don't know
How the hell he can

I love 84!

I had some friends into exotic cars and we'd take 84 over to the coast now and again, mostly because we had a shit-ton of money and a shit-ton of spare time to kill -- the Dot-Com fucking rocked!

There's a bend in the road just outside La Honda on the coastal side that's a 15mph hairpin with a tree at the apex. It's a lovely goddamn thing, especially when you forget it's there. So here we all come, lane-trading and exercising general assholery in cars that cost what a nice single-family home does.

Oh FUCK, the turn!!

My friend in the 911 does this beautiful trail-brake and swings through the curve. Elise follows suit, complete with smoking tires. Next up is Countach. He BARELY holds it together, but gets through without any real drama.

Now it's my turn.

Did I mention I was driving a '97 Camaro Z-28? Yeah, Camaros of that year are good at exactly one thing: driving very fast in very straight lines. Corners? Yeah, not so much. I realize I'm in trouble and I'm coming into the turn WAY too fast. I grab the shifter and get ready. My plan is that I'm going to slam it into first, let the rev limiter do its thing to save the engine, pull the e-brake and swing the tail, then punch it and swing the ass-end around and launch out of the curve with smoking Z-rated tires and all!

And HERE WE GO -- grab the shifter, yank it all the way down and...

That's when California emissions standards fucked me.

You see, when you buy a Camaro Z-28 in California, you don't actually get first gear. You get what's called a California First, which is actually SECOND gear, because if you were actually able to use FIRST gear, the goddamn car would belch enough emissions to make a farting Brontosaurus blush. And second gear ain't exactly gonna work for my little plan.

tl;dr is that I hit the no-lock brakes hard enough to get my speed down and was able to bring the ass around with the little e-brake trick. I wasn't out of the woods because I over-corrected on the way out and spun. The same God that I spite and don't believe in actually saved my ass and I didn't end up going off the road. Apparently, he loves fools and Z-28 Camaros.

I honestly had more fun in that car than the law allows: sometimes literally, like when I got clocked at 110 coming onto the straight at King City. Good times, man, good times.

Hahahaha LMFAHS

I watched through to the end of the video thinking to myself "Wow, what a nice, humane thing to do for that poor creature. Heartwarming stuff. Puts a smile on my face." ♥ ♥ ♥

Then I scroll down to the comments and the first thing I see is:

I fucking hate pelicans.