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Ghomert Asks If Forestry Department Can Change Earth's Orbit

noims says...

Maybe if everyone on the left hand side of the Earth pushes it really really hard, and everyone on the right hand side pulls at the same time...

BolaWrap: Restraint Tool

Dummy Hypnotises Ventriloquist

noims says...

Nina's easily the most original ventriloquist I've ever seen, and I pity the day when I don't *promote one of her videos. Now I have to find time to look for some of my favourites and make sure they're here... it's going to be a fun day.

Trevor Noah talks of home... behind the scenes...compilation

This Electrician rigged his van to stop tool thieves

noims says...

Presumably in at least parts of the US it would be ok to just shoot the thief, but setting a trap is grounds for a suit.

I'm sure there's logic there. Somewhere.

spawnflagger said:

hope this guy gets to keep his shocker installed (assume UK). In USA that's a lawsuit waiting to happen... sadly the thief could sue the vehicle owner for their injuries, even if they admit they were trying to break in and steal stuff.

The Watermelon Joke That Saved Me After I Got Pulled Over

noims says...

@StukaFox, funnily enough today I was thinking of a joke I used to tell back in the day. I couldn't find just now in a 2 minute search making it less likely you've heard it before, so I'll write out a quick version. It's not the funniest or the dirtiest, but it's fun to tell.

So a guy's looking to kill himself and fortuitously comes across a sign saying 'for an interesting death enquire within.' This being a joke he decides he has to give it a go.

Inside is an absolutely huuuuge naked woman. She first instructs him to put his belt on her. He struggles, but eventually manages. "Now," she says "pull it tighter until I'm thin." With every ounce of strength and leverage he can muster he gets the belt to the last notch. Struggling for breath she says "Now eat my pussy". He's starting to suspect a scam, but he goes for it anyway. "Harder!" she gasps, grinding against him. He pushes back against her as hard as he can. "harder! HARDER!" He's pushing so hard he's struggling to breathe. He suspects she's just trying to smother him with her pussy when he feels her starting to orgasm. He pushes harder still. Her muscles tense and pulse until suddenly the belt can't take it any more - POP! Ssccchhhhlllup! And he was never seen again.


Bonus clean joke I saw when I searched for the one above: Don't challenge Death to a pillow fight unless you're prepared to face the reaper cushions.

Police Murder Unarmed Shackled Black Man

noims says...

The fact that these things are so routinely covered up shows how systemic the problem is.

To quote Tim Minchin (on the subject of pedophile priests): "If you cover for another motherfucker who's a kiddy fucker, fuck you you're no better than the motherfucking rapist."

Power corrupts. I've seen it happen to me. It absolutely has to be monitored and controlled.

newtboy said:

It bears noting that police admit they kill at least three citizens a day on average, but that doesn't include all the cases like this where they just lie about how the victims died, so the real number could easily be ten or more per day.

At three per day, their lowball number, that's 1 cop who dies in the line of duty from any cause for over 25 citizens they kill intentionally. The real number could be 1-100 or more.

These lying murderers deserve the death penalty, every one involved and every superior involved in the cover-up. Because prosecutors are on their team and will intentionally throw the cases and not prosecute in earnest, acting like defense attorneys instead of prosecutors, it may be up to private citizens to impose any penalties.
I would never convict a cop killer, it's a near certainty it would be in self defense. They're lucky I'm open and honest about that so can't serve on any jury.

Edit: audio recordings of officers reminiscing about beating and choking the ever loving shit out of him have recently been "found" after over a year of the force hiding all evidence and boldly lying that he died in the minor crash that ended the pursuit. Never take a cop's word about anything, they are all professional liars.

Parents Read of books from the LCPS Library

noims says...

4-5 examples from one book, plus a single quote about a girl wanting a big dick from a second (written by a woman, incidentally). I assume that these were pretty much the best examples they could find.

I do agree that if the school board spent 1.8 million dollars on these books that would be a waste, but I somehow doubt that happened.

Golfing: Trump vs Biden.

noims says...

To be fair this does indeed demonstrate that Trump has hit at least one golf ball and Biden has hit at least one terrible shot.

The video doesn't tell me much else, particularly since one was obviously set up and approved and the other was by a bystander.

It certainly doesn't tell me anything about the person playing; I suppose it's nice that Biden didn't throw a tantrum.

Build a B*tch

noims says...

Quite the earworm. This was stuck in my brain for most of last night, and misery loves company. *promote

BSR (Member Profile)

Girlfriend picked up from work compilation

noims says...

An aquaduct?

BSR said:

Other than "A girlfriend who's always excited to see him" and "A rocking porno movie quality music playing in the car to welcome her"... What's he got that I don't?

Explaining Pink Floyd's First Masterpiece

noims says...

It's taken me four attempts to watch this video. Not because it's hard to get through, I just keep realising a few minutes in that I'm just singing along to that amazing song and amn't listening to a word the guy's saying about it.

It's been my go-to song for testing music gear for decades now, as well as my go-to when I'm feeling chill, feeling down, feeling like I want to feel something or nothing, or just want to dream.

I think Echoes is my duvet made audible.

Explaining Pink Floyd's First Masterpiece

Snack Attack

noims says...

I believe Douglas Adams used to tell this story as something that actually happened to him.

His favourite part was that someone else out there had exactly the same story, but without the punchline of there being a second pack.

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