Flies off? Are you sure? It seems to have returned.

Y'know what? Seriously, fuck seagulls. I fucking hate seagulls. Y'know why? They're total cunts. You know why they're cunts? Because they're cunts. Seagulls are God's answer to "why do children get cancer?" God says, "Because fuck you, that's why! Here's a seagull, you asshole."
"Ohh, but they ate all the locusts and saved Salt Lake City!" people say. Fuck them, too. The only thing good that ever came outta SLC is Steve Young and he ended his career flat on his back and the Niners have sucked ever since. Except for Kap; we'll give 'em one for Kap. We totally woulda won that game if the other team hadn't been better. They can go fuck themselves, too.
Ok, check this out: I was walking on the beach near Pescadaro and eating this awesome fucking carne asada taco I got at the super-secret Mexican place in the gas station and it was fucking amazingly good. This is the kinda taco that if it was pussy, you'd marry it and not give a shit when it fucked your best friend and ran off to Vegas with all your money. Seriously, it was that good. And I'm eatin' this goddamn glorious taco and feeling like I'm on top of the world and all is right with the universe. Then a motherfucking seagull all Stuka-moves me and snatches my taco! I'm all, "DUDE!! That's hella my taco, BITCH!", but then I remembered that birds don't speak English so I was like "Fuck!"
Seriously, 'tho, that was totally a good taco and shit.
Fuck seagulls.

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