>> ^shole:

I'll never understand the appeal of these videos.
Patience does not equal skill.
If they did it in one go I'd be properly impressed, but the works of Shakespeare can be produced by a monkey on a keyboard given enough time.
I'm impressed that they didn't get kicked out for messing around in the hall.


Your point about Shakespearean monkeys works against your 'not impressive' conclusion imo, namely due to it potentially taking billions of trillions of years to achieve this goal, to which most monkeys and experiment evaluators do not have thus any short cuts are beneficial.

Specific reason being that because they put in the time and effort to achieve these mostly useless skills and video tape said skills, i now have a realistic idea of what the result would have been had i wasted my time on this task. So I'm impressed by my having gained the knowledge of the result of such endeavors without spending the much larger amount of time that is otherwise required, compared to just over 3 mins. Given a roughly estimated 80 years of life each if we're lucky, i think a few seconds of being impressed with their efforts is a reasonable position to take.

2:48 I liked that one

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

...athletes and celebrities...



Doesn't everyone want to mimic the most useless people in society?

...taught to rely on mysticism and esoteric knowledge...



That sounds vaguely familiar. Almost biblical...

>> ^blankfist:


News flash. Income tax doesn't pay for roads. Also, I've gotten sick TWICE in the past year from food poisoning. Um, I think during that period of time we still had the FDA, right? And the Supreme Court has upheld in every single case that has been brought to them when police refused or failed to protect the people that the government has zero obligation to protect it's citizens.
Not an investment in the country's future, thank you very much. It's just theft.


bf, you're right about the FDA; they're mostly useless due to being more heavily influenced by the food industry than they are by the people they're supposed to protect. That said, local and federal taxes do fund state health departments, which in some cases can be very, very good. To go back to state's rights; if you're concerned with the food poisoning aspect you're free to move to a state that doesn't have a crappy health departmet.

Here's an idea: buy the most useless breed of dog, then try to teach that dog to teach your kid how to crawl. You don't actually need to parent the kid and it grows up with poor motor skills. Win-win.

>> ^Gabe_b:

>> ^ForgedReality:
>> ^Gabe_b:
It's like a cat version of The World's Most Useless Machine
Angry declawed cats are the best. Ours was tearing up the wallpaper and my hands till we had her declawed. Now all she has is marshmallows of rage

Declawing is horrible cruelty. I think it should be made illegal. What's wrong with clipping the cat's nails every so often? Don't be lazy. It pretty much shows your lack of affection and concern for your animal.
Please read this: http://www.declawing.com

No doubt it is. I had to watch her pad around on bloody bandaged paws for a fortnight. We did it as a last resort. Living as expats, not sure of how long we could keep an animal it didn't seem moral to get a kitten so we got a shelter cat. Turned out she'd been abused by her first owners fiance, and then spent several months locked up alone in a tiny box. By the time we got her it wouldn't have even been accurate to call her feral as a feral cat has survival skills and will often be quite friendly.
After a couple of months of her tearing up everything, and attacking us for petting, sitting near or just walking part her we asked the shelter guy for advice. He suggested dumping her out on the street, but at 3 years old already, and in a country where it's common to abuse and cut the tails of stay cats for kicks, it didn't seem fair. She was going to live as an apartment cat for the rest of her life, and if every interaction with humans resulted in her panicking and hurting them, making them freak out at her and reinforce her fears, then it was going to be a pretty miserable life.
I have lived with half a dozen cats that have lived since kittenhood in stable situations and never have for a second considered having their claws ripped out to make my life easier. This seemed, after exhausting plenty of other options, to be the best option.
Since we had it done, things have improved considerably for her. She spends most nights on the sofa snuggling with me or my girlfriend and sleeps in bed pretty much every night. She still has attacks of rage, but when she does now she isn't confronted by a yelling similarly pissed of human. If that's too much ambiguity for you then shrug


Sad. I can say I would probably have tried harder to work with her, and teach her we're not all out to get her, but then I wasn't in that particular situation, so I don't really know. The story you relate softens the blow a bit, but it still personally feels a bit extreme. Maybe if I had been in your situation, I would be able to better relate.

I could never have a cat declawed. Even if it took years of therapy and calming down, I would do anything in my power to rehabilitate, rather than chop my cat's toes off. It seems like adding more abuse to an already disturbed animal. But like I said, I wasn't there, so I'll assume you did everything in your power.

I do commend you for taking in a shelter cat and not having it put down when you discovered its mental state, though. That at least shows good intentions.

>> ^ForgedReality:

>> ^Gabe_b:
It's like a cat version of The World's Most Useless Machine
Angry declawed cats are the best. Ours was tearing up the wallpaper and my hands till we had her declawed. Now all she has is marshmallows of rage

Declawing is horrible cruelty. I think it should be made illegal. What's wrong with clipping the cat's nails every so often? Don't be lazy. It pretty much shows your lack of affection and concern for your animal.
Please read this: http://www.declawing.com


No doubt it is. I had to watch her pad around on bloody bandaged paws for a fortnight. We did it as a last resort. Living as expats, not sure of how long we could keep an animal it didn't seem moral to get a kitten so we got a shelter cat. Turned out she'd been abused by her first owners fiance, and then spent several months locked up alone in a tiny box. By the time we got her it wouldn't have even been accurate to call her feral as a feral cat has survival skills and will often be quite friendly.
After a couple of months of her tearing up everything, and attacking us for petting, sitting near or just walking part her we asked the shelter guy for advice. He suggested dumping her out on the street, but at 3 years old already, and in a country where it's common to abuse and cut the tails of stay cats for kicks, it didn't seem fair. She was going to live as an apartment cat for the rest of her life, and if every interaction with humans resulted in her panicking and hurting them, making them freak out at her and reinforce her fears, then it was going to be a pretty miserable life.
I have lived with half a dozen cats that have lived since kittenhood in stable situations and never have for a second considered having their claws ripped out to make my life easier. This seemed, after exhausting plenty of other options, to be the best option.
Since we had it done, things have improved considerably for her. She spends most nights on the sofa snuggling with me or my girlfriend and sleeps in bed pretty much every night. She still has attacks of rage, but when she does now she isn't confronted by a yelling similarly pissed of human. If that's too much ambiguity for you then *shrug*

>> ^Gabe_b:

It's like a cat version of The World's Most Useless Machine
Angry declawed cats are the best. Ours was tearing up the wallpaper and my hands till we had her declawed. Now all she has is marshmallows of rage


Declawing is horrible cruelty. I think it should be made illegal. What's wrong with clipping the cat's nails every so often? Don't be lazy. It pretty much shows your lack of affection and concern for your animal.

Please read this: http://www.declawing.com

It's like a cat version of The World's Most Useless Machine
Angry declawed cats are the best. Ours was tearing up the wallpaper and my hands till we had her declawed. Now all she has is marshmallows of rage

Fuck cats man. Upvoted for the realistic portrayal of cats as useless animals.

I never understood the correlation between netizens and cats. They are mostly useless - good for rodent control and little else.

When I get a dog (soon), I'm going to make sure it learns it's own form of rodent control.

I dunno, kitty bank = most useless machine is a pretty good argument.

Trancecoach is right. This is not the "Most Useless Machine."

Your video, The Most Useless Machine Entertains Cats, has made it into the Top 15 New Videos listing. Congratulations on your achievement. For your contribution you have been awarded 1 Power Point.

>> ^dystopianfuturetoday:

Does this mean I can't use my cat/mouse liberty metaphor anymore?


That ended when you couldn't differentiate between species coexistence and inter-species coexistence. Kisses!

Bravo.... *clap*... *clap*... *clap*...

This may be the most useless waste of time I have ever seen.