This is an excerpt (I'm assuming real) from a site called isitnormal.com, wherein a user posts a question about themselves and people vote on whether it's normal or not.

"I am male from Pakistan. My age is 25. but i am baby in my brain. i drink baby bottle every week since last 9 years. I want to have a mommy or babysitter who can give me baby bottle and give me all romance as a baby needs. i saw many times in my dream that an unknown lady carry up me like a baby and give me baby bottle. My family members, office collegue or friends never know these feelings or dreams. i drink baby bottle in alone.
Tell me about my story. Is it normal. Give me suggestions."

im going to tell you just one of my many many cop stories.


so, theres a victims assistance cop that comes into my job peridiocally for rape and domestic violence victims. he wanted to date little ole me for some odd reason. i am a snob and would never ever date a cop, but i was horribly curious and had lots of questions. so i told him i would go and he could call it a date if he felt like it, but i was going to call it an interview.... im terribly uninterested in any sort of romantic entanglement with a fucking pig. i flat out told him i didnt date outside my species. in his arrogance he thought this was charming.

so bea gets a babysitter, and gets all cuted up.. cop takes her to a baseball game. because beas LOVE baseball games.

then out for drinks the interview is conducted. i decide just because he is a victims assistance cop doesnt make him any less of an asshole and that he is desensitized (by necessity of course) to extremely horrible things.
my heart hurts for humanity.

he tries to date me again... i tell him im sooo not interested.
...oh but im so cool so he just wants to go have some beers and hear stories of my fascinating adorable life.

so whatever, i am fascinating and adorable and i do like to talk about me. so off we go again. all of that was LIES he just wants to talk about himself somemore (clearly we are incompatible!) and try to get me to go home with him so he can tell all his buddies that he got the feminist dyke hippie chick in CT to let her guard down and fuck his brains out.

the night progresses and its more and more apparent that my vagina makes me stupid and less than him. and that im like some sort of goal. i feel as if he made a bet about where this would go and hes trying hard to win. i also realize hes a fucking idiot.

he seems to have absolutely no clue why any woman wouldnt want to fuck him right then and there. i find this is a sign that he most likely is terrible in bed. so im ready to go, he tries to stick his hand up my shirt.
i say "um fuck no dude" so he pins me to a wall forcefully and squeezes the shit out my tits and one hand is heading south for my lady part. i grab his hand and squeeze, he leans on my tighter and there it is... big mean forceful hand on my puss. i push him off of me with all my strength and wish i had a fucking shank on me.

FUCK NO DUDE.
im about to punch him in the face but remember hes a cop and i would probably go to jail. so i spit on him instead and storm the fuck out of there.

so.... the victims assistance cop is a date rapist. hooray the irony.

oh and a few months later he calls me up for a booty call. wtf?!!??


edit: also, all the cops and paramedics i have ever known regularly drink and drive. hizzah!

in case you have ears as useless as mine...

"All right, it's late and I'm paying my babysitter overtime and I have to pee, so ... everybody fucking likes you. All my bits are gone. Listen, I had lunch today with Rita [Wilson' Hanks' wife], and her tits were here and her waist was here and her ass was all that. So, what can I tell you that's new?

Tom Hanks - what the fuck? Listen ... Bosom Buddies, people. Me: a fan. Bosom Buddies. I saw Turner & Hooch, The Money Pit; I missed That Thing [You Do!]. I love the Coen Brothers, but the hair, Tom - I don't even know what the fuck that movie was about. You in the airport with the accent; it was a pass for me. Do you love airports, or were you dissing immigrant laws? I didn't know! I love you, and I didn't know what to do. Silly. God, I'm wearing the same fucking dress tonight as your publicist.

Listen, I've got to get home. But I must say this - Tom Hanks, I love you. You do something that two other people on the planet do - and this is true, people. It's so dark out there [in the auditorium], I feel like I'm in space. Thank you, whoever made it light - JJ Abrams, are you here?

But truly, people who Tom and I don't know, I was going to tell you something that is really profound and comes from the heart that I do have. Which is this: Tom can walk into any room and make you feel like you're in your living room, truly. Make you feel comfortable, make you feel like you have something interesting to contribute, make you feel like there's a reason you're on the planet.

And that's a true gift. That isn't acting, and isn't, you know, dinner-party games; it's heart and it's compassion and it's soul. And he has that, and only a couple of other people - that I gave birth to - have that. And also, Sally Field played my mom once!

Tom, I love you, I love you so much. I love Rita. And it's also - this is my big moment, because now I get to say, ladies and gentlemen, one of really my favorite people on planet Earth - and now I'm going to leave and go home - Mr Fabulous, Mike Nichols."

Yep, he saved us from "further attacks". To quote some great programming...

That's like the babysitter letting one of the toddlers get run over in the street and then locking up all the kids in the basement in shackles until the parents come home, and saying, see, I prevented further injuries. Heckuva job Bushie.

History will remember the PDB. History will remember the warcrimes and rape of the Constitution and civil liberties. History will remember the corporate rape of the economy and environment and pension funds.

A big old fuck you.

Why invade a country of no strategic interest to us? That would be like Clinton's pointless Bosnian and Somalian fugazis.

The more enlightened Africans want all aid to Africa to cease.

http://www.spiegel.de/international/spiegel/0,1518,363663,00.html

If they really want to fight poverty, they should completely halt development aid and give Africa the opportunity to ensure its own survival. Currently, Africa is like a child that immediately cries for its babysitter when something goes wrong. Africa should stand on its own two feet.

Worst babysitter ever. I doubt this is fake, babies/toddlers are pretty flexible what with their bones still in the process of setting.

Here is the deal. If there are three hour lines then they are doing it wrong!

It is an hidden poll tax of time. Imagine you don't have a babysitter or you can't keep your three year old out with you in line for two hours. Or maybe after your 9-5 you have to feed kids and look after elderly parents.

The average election jurisdiction is around 500-1500 voters. So if you consider 12 hours of voting or even 10 hours, they only have to be able to handle 30-80 voters per hour. With paper ballots it is easy to setup ten tables to vote at. Problem solved.

With voting machines you are limited to how many people can vote depending on how long the ballot is and how buggy the machines are.

Voting isn't new. The election jurisdictions are not larger now then ten years ago. There doesn't have to be long lines. They are artificially created by systems designed to save money and deliver election results by midnight.

So anyone who thinks it is your duty to wait in a long line or camp out, you are missing the point and are probably young. The least of us are being disenfranchised because the elderly and poor are unfairly disadvantaged. Yes, they can vote absentee, but what is more American then going down and casting your vote on election day? Certainly not the world's most evil gimmick of mail-in voting. (Yes vote by mail seems great but that's because you like sausage and just think the end product is great).

thanks. dont know why i didnt see that.

In reply to this comment by EDD:
ummm, http://www.videosift.com/video/The-Babysitter...

ummm, http://www.videosift.com/video/The-Babysitter...

Ah, the thieving babysitter video. Didn't sift up for me last time, hope it makes it now. Yay Muse!

From Zifnab to me:

"It's been brought to my attention that my Babysitter video:

http://www.videosift.com/video/Cute-Blonde-18-Year-Old-babysitter

May be a dupe of your dead one:

http://www.videosift.com/video/The-Babysitter

If it is then you should fix yours and discard mine... "

I have fixed my post with the updated code.

*discard

Wow! you got so many votes too.... I had to beg for it to get in the queue. fixed.

In reply to this comment by Zifnab:
Hi joe,

It's been brought to my attention that my Babysitter video:

http://www.videosift.com/video/Cute-Blonde-18-Year-Old-babysitter

May be a dupe of your dead one:

http://www.videosift.com/video/The-Babysitter

If it is then you should fix yours and discard mine... I'm going off on Vacation so I may not be around when you respond, so feel free to take what action is nessesary.

Thanks

Hi joe,

It's been brought to my attention that my Babysitter video:

http://www.videosift.com/video/Cute-Blonde-18-Year-Old-babysitter

May be a dupe of your dead one:

http://www.videosift.com/video/The-Babysitter

If it is then you should fix yours and discard mine... I'm going off on Vacation so I may not be around when you respond, so feel free to take what action is nessesary.

Thanks

I swapped it out for the Atom Films version, this one should stick hopefully and it's better quality than that other Break one.

In reply to this comment by spoco2:
Well, had to go to the link to see it, and the audio is atrocious, but that was... indeed... funny

Try again, I just swapped it out.

In reply to this comment by WolfDemon:
Weird...The page is gone on break and I tried re-embedding it somewhere and that video didn't work.