The Onion

OPINION
This New Toilet Paper Is So Soft And Absorbent!

By Ted Roman
Amazed Customer
May 3, 2000 | Issue 36•16

You probably won't believe me when I tell you that new Cushy™-brand bathroom tissue is the softest, most absorbent bathroom tissue you'll ever try. Heck, I was skeptical at first, too! Even after learning about Cushy's™ specially quilted "Moistu-Weave" inlay, I still thought, "Come on! How much better could one bathroom tissue be than another?" But once you've felt for yourself the heavenly sensation of a folded-up wad of Cushy™ sliding across your excrement-smeared anus, you're sure to agree: Cushy™ is the most luxurious tissue you'll ever wipe your ass with!

Wow! When it comes to getting your rectal opening clean as a whistle, removing every last trace of stinking, disgusting fecal matter from the puckered surface of the human anus, Cushy™ just can't be beat! Its patented, three-ply "Feces-Grabbing Action" has been specially designed by scientists to wipe away 30 percent more human dung from the anal region than the leading brand–even in those problem "hairy" areas where tiny balls of shit can get trapped for days! When it comes to making sure my asshole's been wiped right, I trust Cushy™. As the commercial says, "With Cushy™, I Know My Ass Is Clean!®"

And Cushy™ is more than just the most absorbent product ever designed, manufactured, and marketed for the purpose of wiping human waste from the rectal region; it's also the softest. I can't believe how good it feels pressed up against my asshole! Sure, I thought the leading brand was good, but after trying Cushy™, I could scarcely believe the difference! Compared to the sumptuous comfort of Cushy™, the leading brand feels like a portable electric belt-sander grinding my ass down to a chafed and bloody pulp! Wiping with Cushy™, on the other hand, feels as if the defecation residue between my legs is being spirited away on the back of a pillowy-soft cartoon cloud! It's enough to make a person open up a window and shout to the world, "Shit, I Love This Ass-Paper!®"

Cushy™ goes the extra mile to make sure my anus feels pampered like a dainty princess. That's because Cushy™'s not just about getting your ass free of shit particles. It's about treating your entire backside to a feeling of cushiony goodness. It's what the good folks at Global Tetrahedron Forestries, manufacturers of Cushy™, like to call "T.A.C."–Total Asshole Comfort.™ Doesn't your asshole deserve a little T.A.C.?

Your anal region, from your ass cheeks to your dilated sphincter to the interior of your anal column itself, works hard for you each day. Isn't it time you gave a little something back? With Cushy™, my asshole feels as if it's being gently wafted skyward on a freshly scented summer breeze! Try getting that level of comfort from those bargain brands!

Do the other brands offer patented three-ply quilted comfort? Are they lightly perfumed and softened with soothing aloe-based moisturizing lotions? Do they offer Cushy™'s exclusive "Complete Asshole Guarantee®"? Of course not. Whether you've got a thin, runny liquid, a huge, bulky chunk, or even one of those hard-to-wipe, viscous-sludge-type defecations, Cushy™ not only has the absorbency needed to wipe your ass completely free of sticky, after-shit smears and stains; it's gentle enough to make your puckered butthole feel like the King of Siam, reclining on a mound of the finest silk pillows in all of Asia.

Sure, Cushy™ costs a bit more than less ass-pampering brands, but my ass is worth it! Cushy™ is so soft, sometimes I want to take a shit even when I don't have to! Once you've seen for yourself how wonderful, how majestic, how truly awe-inspiring this new bathroom tissue is, you'll know why people say, "Cushy™... You're Gonna Shit Your Pants!©"

Very nice. Pucker up Barkley!

Favourites

1) Season - Fall, when Delta Burke comes out to see her shadow.
2) Place in the world - In the bushes outside of KP's house, watching him watch me on his live-feed broadcast.
3) Children's book - Encyclopedia Brown or George W. Bush's biography
4) TV Series - South Park and the episode of To Catch a Predator with blankfist.
5) Word - scrumdiddlyumptious
6) Film - American History X
7) Curse - FUCKING COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKING BITCH ASS CUNTLICKING SONOFABITCH
Creature - duck-billed platypus
9) Past time - Trivial Pursuit
10) Person - My best friend, who continues to lurk, without joining VS.

Which one?

11) Dog or cat - Tiger
12) Sweet or savoury - This would be a great question for Jeffrey Dahmer.
13) Cereal or Toast - Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal
14) Tan or pale - Fluorescent
15) Shoes or barefoot - Socks
16) Desktop or laptop - special underwater goggles with high-speed wireless Internet
17) Drive or walk - bicycle
18) Drama or comedy - dramedy
19) Sex or food - Why can't we combine them?
20) Futurama or Simpsons - Futurama

The Sift

21) Your fave personal submission - McCain's Press Conference in Front of a Cheese Case, or Tool's Sober
22) A great comment on one of your vids - "More proof god hates orphans." From blankfist, on my post about the orphans.
23) Most off the wall member - QM, if that wall is made of rationality
24) Favourite user name - schmawy
25) Your most used channel - comedy
26) Personal dumbass moment - I only get one? Hmm. Probably when I mocked the brother of Soulja Girl, and bi-polar sufferers everywhere. Good times.
27) Best avatar - Emperor Blankfist
28) Partner in crime - I have so many circle jerk partners. Where to begin?
29) Do people offline know of your sift problem - my lurking best friend does. And my other friends know I love the site.
30) Idea for the site - Give me a crown, and a jar of marmalade.

About you

31) Where do you live - A decent house in Boise in Ada county in Idaho in the United States of America in North America in the western Hemisphere in Earth in the solar system in the Milky Way galaxy in the universe in God's puckered anus.
32) Smoker/non-smoker - It depends on what we're smoking. I don't smoke cigarettes.
33) Left or right handed - LEFT. You know we're better!
34) Hair colour - Brown, with an ever-growing tinge of grey.
35) Relationship status - Single and stalking. I mean looking.
36) How tall - Taller than Jon Stewart, but shorter than Michael Jordan.
37) Children - Hell no. I can barely take care of myself.
38) Ever had an operation - On my left knee when I was ten. They let me watch. It was AWESOME.
39) Best feature - My ravishing blue eyes, or my tattoos.
40) Use four words to describe yourself - intelligent, sarcastic, procrastinator, under-achiever

If you could...what, who, when etc

41) Bring a famous person back from the dead - Bertrand Russell
42) Give 50 grand to any charity - Nope.
43) Send someone on a one way ticket to the moon - Does the Bush administration count as one person?
44) Relive a moment in your life - [redacted] That is privileged information.
45) Have a superpower - Invisibility
46) Find out one thing you've always wanted to know - Find out what would happen if Hitler had won World War II.
47) Have the opposite gender deal with something you have to - Getting a boner in public, in the most awkward of situations. Then trying to hide it.
48) Be president for one hour - FIRE ZEE MISSILES!
49) Delete a period in history - The fall of Greece to the beginning of the scientific revolution.
50) Achieve one thing - Write and publish a book.

I'm a Long Island Iced Tea man, myself. No sense in screwing around, give me 4-5 hard liquors at once.

And I do love me some Pucker. Liquid Jolly Ranchers is always a good thing.

So funny, the media turned on her before she was even ready. Oh well.. Hilary, freshen up the lipstick and pucker up. Obama's rear end awaits.

I hope he doesn't cave and ask her to run with him tho

Hush up and and pucker up.

*pucker

all modern military fighter jets pucker their assholes; in this one the assholes (thrusters) can pivot around, like if you were to strap rockets on your boots and steer some by aiming your feet... anyhow, thats why its kind-of a big deal, and the reason why it can flip around in a loop in like 2 seconds.

In reply to this comment by Payback:
So? The Russians can pucker the assholes on their planes as well as their pilots. Big whoop.

So? The Russians can pucker the assholes on their planes as well as their pilots. Big whoop.





ps. (after multiple downvotes) Comon guys/gals! I was being facetious!

I know what it is... they don't pucker up. The lips only move vertically.

At least now if I'm ever asked I'll be able to describe a dogs butt puckering

absolute debauchery, corrupts absolutely....is this tabloid talk? I think so-whacky bastard...she should claim in court, that she was "Concerned your honor, that I may catch some mutated STD, from this hedon...I could have sworn I saw some mucosal rens, flowing in a steady drippety-drip, from a shriveled, half-mast, penis-like thing, between his puckered leather legs, and it frightened and disgusted me. I mean, he HAS had sex with many of the skanks I KNOW have been diagnosed HIV positive!!"

How is there even a court that will lower itself to.....oh wait, nvrmnd.

You must be the first one to ever HAVE to wear a furries costume. Somehow I don't quite believe the necessity. I know there's a part of you that wants to put on that cute little pink fox costume with those pretty bright red furry lips all puckered up and that cute little purple bow perched betwixt the perky little fox ears...waving that puffed up fox tail gently to-and-fro.

...on second thought that does sound like fun, where will this parade be at?

Holy shit. High pucker factor on that one.

Must have been dead calm. Crosswind would have been a severe pucker factor.

Although, a far, far better pilot than seen elsewhere on the Sift, even with them under power, with landing gear.