It takes a certain kind of man to be a Nebraskan: Namely one who can maintain a BAC of at least .22 at all waking moments. A sufficient dose of meth may be an adequate substitute if alcohol is not readily available. Anyone unable to adhere to these rigid standards of Nebraska life may ultimately realize he lives in Nebraska and kill himself or flee to a less boring state (I hear experts are predicting Iowans will invent the written word in the near future).

This necessary drunken state explains why our roastee, @MrFisk, thinks Nebraska is the "bull's eye" of the continental US: he can't see straight. Though I suppose even if you were sober in Nebraska, your vision would be blurred by the constant flood of tears, stemming from the certain knowledge that, yes, you are in Nebraska. Even Larry the Fucking Cable Guy was smart enough to run into Kansas City, MO and start calling radio stations, pretending to be a southerner. Apparently that's a celebrity career for a Nebraskan.

First things first, anal leakages of VideoShit. My name is thinker247, which means that I don't take time off from thinking, even when I'm sleeping. And in my sleep I could roast all of you like the testicle-kabobs that you are.

I told you motherfuckers to keep Blankfist away from the children, and now he's balls-deep in the kids and religion channels. Soon he'll be strutting around, preaching the virtues of anal deflowering as a method of salvation. Just like Oprah.

BeggedmetoPeeonher tells a yawn-inducing story worthy of some podunk Arkansas town's ratty news dish, and we're all supposed to fawn over it like Perez Hilton falling into punji stakes made of cocks.

The "Jester" pops his head in to make some serious announcement that he's made a million times, without even saying a word in jest. Hey Jester, you're as funny as rottenseed is relevant.

Speaking of rotten.cum, his appearance was as necessary as ovarian cancer and not nearly as comical. He couldn't buy a joke if he was Carlos Mencia. But enough of Flavor Flav's oreo baby...

It's time to fuck MrFisk. And unlike your dad, I'm not going to use a condom and I don't care if you tell your mom.

Where to begin with someone whose career hasn't begun? Seriously, of all your articles that I never read, they were terrible. And why pick the Nebraska paper? It's not like any of you can read more than the E at the top of the eye test. And that's only because you all guess.

Some of the fellow sifters mocked your employment at a porn shop, but it doesn't bother me that you were a blow-up sex doll. I just don't understand how you could stand having random semen forced into you every day. You had more douchebags grabbing your vinyl than a hipster music store.

I would write more, but I'm kind of bored...like anyone in Nebraska at any given time of the year.

Also, everyone at this roast has disappointed me. Except for thinker247. What a comedy stud. All of you should take a lesson from him. Seriously, give me money, assholes. I'm the king and I get this kind of worthless response? MrFisk, I'm sorry you had to be here for this. Mainly because there's a cow with a broken heart and an intact rectum, somewhere in Omaha.

Fuck you all.

Dance clubs in Nebraska on a Monday night during a blizzard are more happening than this *fail.

It must be difficult to smear such a likable guy. Someone, get turdgurgler a shot of bourbon! Where has that snowflake been, anyways. That motel rendezvous on the Rio Grande with blankfist must have been a bad idea. I'd expect a Nebraska map with a bulls-eye on it if this place wasn't so overrun by pussy-whipped liberals. What were you expecting, a bunch of IT guys drinking soda pop, playing World of Warcraft, and watching the Daily Show while they wait for their parents to go to bed is not funny. It's pathetic.

>> ^kulpims:
how do you make fun of a self-confessed drunk, a man who admits he has a habit of pissing himself in his pants, has worked as a dildo salesman and has a journalism degree from University of Nebraska? FUCKING MISSION IMPOSSIBLE


WHOA! Looks like you blew your wad too soon son. Better hope you've got some left for the orgy, else you'll be watching from the couch (again).

how do you make fun of a self-confessed drunk, a man who admits he has a habit of pissing himself in his pants, has worked as a dildo salesman and has a journalism degree from University of Nebraska? FUCKING MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

Is this because of the blizzard and stocking up on needed food and goods beforehand?

/You could do a re-mix with Mario & Luigi, because they've got most of the problems here (or could have; maybe even a Airplane! version). For the friends in jail just use Bowser and Wario as they both are friend'lier, but still find time to get the next Nintendo title out the door.

//Good cover though and once again I'm forced to up vote gwiz665, who spent all of his levels up in force powers in upvotes for anything Internet(z). So far the range seems to be slightly off of the California coast, but extends farther over land--there are a shitload of video upvotes from Juárez, Mexico and Omaha, Nebraska--go figure.

I saw a lighthouse in Nebraska once like this.

Tags for this video have been changed from 'Bill Burr, Nebraska, Dennys, Comedians, life' to 'Bill Burr, Nebraska, Dennys, Comedians, life, nurses' - edited by Deano

Yeah, thanks. That was pegged as quote of the week in the school paper.

In reply to this comment by rottenseed:
"Marijuana has more myths surrounding it than a quarter-pound of Mexican schwag has seeds"

hahaha nice...

In reply to this comment by MrFisk:
http://www.dailynebraskan.com/opinion/hale-legalizing-marijuana-would-benefit-nebraska-1.2383284

Thanks for the link! That shit grows wild all over Omaha anyway they should legalize it. I knew a ton of people that grew it in their back yards and got away with it because it's all over the place there naturally. Or at least it used to be back in the 80's when I was there last. I'm pretty sure at one time Nebraska was one of the biggest hemp growing states in the country.

In reply to this comment by MrFisk:
http://www.dailynebraskan.com/opinion/hale-legalizing-marijuana-would-benefit-nebraska-1.2383284

"Marijuana has more myths surrounding it than a quarter-pound of Mexican schwag has seeds"

hahaha nice...

In reply to this comment by MrFisk:
http://www.dailynebraskan.com/opinion/hale-legalizing-marijuana-would-benefit-nebraska-1.2383284

http://www.dailynebraskan.com/opinion/hale-legalizing-marijuana-would-benefit-nebraska-1.2383284

http://www.dailynebraskan.com/opinion/hale-legalizing-marijuana-would-benefit-nebraska-1.2383284

http://www.dailynebraskan.com/opinion/hale-legalizing-marijuana-would-benefit-nebraska-1.2383284