They must have skipped the part where he started to masturbate, every teenage boy dreads the arrival of the closet monkey of shame.

Your missing the point though.

They start in grade 1/2 teaching you that 2+2=4 is incorrect. Instead you were supposed to write down:
2 is 1+1 and 1+1+1+1=4.

Then by grade 3/4 they are asked to solve 2+2. They now answer:
2 is 1+1 and 1+1+1+1=4

and are told incorrect. They are now supposed to use two different methods to solve the same problem and the correct answer is:
2 is the same as 1+1 so 1+1+1+1=4.
Alternately, 2 is 1 more than 1. I know 1+2 is 3, so If I add 1 that's 4.

Those aren't proofs. The addition operator isn't even a theorem to be proven, it's a definition.

I'm on board with teaching more advanced and abstract concepts in grade school. However, actually DO THAT. The stupidity of our provincial system is that they aren't doing that at all. They are performing all this mental masturbation to make basic arithmetic into some bastardised thing that kinda resembles proofs. You know, except the part where your 'proof' is worthless because solving 2+2 by replacing 2 with 1+1 is just substituting one axiom for another.

Teach kids the arithmetic and then teach them actual MATH proper, ideally easing them into the abstract aspect through algebra and not stupid tricks that fail to give them a good understanding of the actual concepts.

The point I underlined about Grade 11 still covering it is important. The students are being left so confused about what they are expected to give as an answer that so many still don't know basic arithmetic by Grade 11 that they still include it as part of the basic curriculum.

Har har har.

I went through every calculus class my uni offered, so not so much.

Mayhaps I didn't explain the example given in enough length. The simple operations of addition, subtraction, multiplication, division all have a single correct answer. Insisting that students find multiple methods of performing those operations and demonstrate multiple different learning methods for them is mental masturbation. You could spend that same time actually moving on to the more advanced stuff that is supposed to 'in theory' prepare them for.

Another example was solving a double digit multiplication problem like 37*86. The marking example showed a student using the old school vertical method and showing their work to arrive at the correct answer. The provincial grading system declared that as WRONG. The student was 'falling back' on the algorithm and should have demonstrated the use of multiple methods of solving the problem. That is idiocy.

Basic add/subtract/multiply/division isn't MATH it's arithmetic and it's a basic operation with a single answer and so long as you use a correct method to arrive at the correct answer you are good to go. Teach students that foundation and then move on to teaching them actual MATH. Read through our provincial curriculum, they are STILL teaching add/subtract/multiply/division at the Grade 11 level in the curriculum on the premise that students are still 'mastering' something that should've been a given by junior high.

"privatise our sexuality"
If that isn't a masturbation euphemism, it is now.

And no-one is "suppressing the knowledge of holistic medicine", it's just that "holistic medicine" is bullshit. Note: that does not mean that cannabis is not a useful pain relief.

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Why do people even bring her on shows anymore?

"Tonight we were going to talk to Kellyanne Conoway, but then we all looked at each other and thought we would rather masturbate with a cheese grater than talk to her again, so we are going to interview this potted plant."

So gay, he's blind. Isn't that what happens if you masturbate too much when you're a teenager? I think so...

I think the best form of sex is masturbation and I only tell jokes to amuse myself. And yet I keep coming here.

'I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.'
- Book Of Infinite Quotes

Shit I'm fine. Older, but fine. I'm going to be fucking 50 next January, if you can believe that shit. And my son graduates from high school next year too. Hell, you must be settling into your mid 30s, I estimate. Getting pumped for that mid-life crisis? Good times, let me tell ya. You still with Gen (or is it Jen)? Or are you out grabbing chicks by their pussies? I hear that's a thing these days. I've had a few brief relationships in the last several years, but I'm single now, and I don't see myself ever marrying again. Relationships are too much work for me anymore, and I really don't want to change my lifestyle to accommodate someone else. Pretty selfish sentiment, I know, but why should I sacrifice watching cartoons all evening in exchange for semi-regular sex? That's why God invented masturbation, my friend.

Well, that's basically it. What's up with you?

Yeah, that's not me. I'm happy being mediocre or less as long as I can afford slacking off on my couch, watching Netflix and masturbate.
Ambition is for those who can't find satisfaction in just being themselves.

I'm a laptop serial killer...

*gazes over stacks of dead laptops and random computer parts*

Sometimes I masturbate all over these carcasses. I mean, no. I don't. Ever.

Do that...

If only I had been born with the simple desire to learn electronics...

-- Instead, I was born a luddite into an era of technocracy that my feeble, easily offended, confused and aggressive mind cannot comprehend.

Now I am destined to commit predatory electronic abuse on a daily abuse.

*punches monitor, tears it from the computer, screams into the night and throws it crushed and dying into the heap*

ELECTRONICS!!! AGHHHHH..! The pure and total ANGUISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*runs screaming out of the house, operates overheating vehicle 100,000 miles over the recommended oil change sticker reminder to the nearest best buy; purchases something using money like its arcade credits; drives home and plugs the heathen VGI cable into its oozing port*

Please... kill me.

Imagine the type of guy he must have been. It's the 17th century, he must be a rich nobleman of some sort because he's clearly got the money and faculties necessary to create a high precision (for the time) device. He's doing well if he can read and write, so he's presumably an educated, sensible, respected person. He creates a device that he knows will magnify things and let him see things no one has ever seen.

The dirty bastard then masturbates onto the device and, holding it millimetres from his face, writes the sordid escapade down and sends it off to a bunch of super-intellectuals. Probably laughing maniacally the whole time.

I'm sure everyone would eventually be interested enough to wank onto it, but would you write it down and tell people!? It's the sort of thing you'd do but not take credit for. You'd just hint at it as you mentioned it to the scientists -

Dear learned sir,

Here's a new invention ... bet someone knocks one out on it sooner or later - not me, someone else. Filthy bastards...... be interesting though.

PS. Try it.

Seriously, worst case you have a scientifically justified tug?

PPS. Maybe give it a wash before you send it back

Well I haven't seen Ghostbusters yet, but remember when everyone was pissed off because the new Star Wars had a woman and a black storm trooper as the lead characters?

Do you also remember when the film succeeded on its own merits and no one gave a shit any more because the film was actually good?

Releasing a film where the four principle characters are 3 intelligent white scientists and a streetwise sassy black woman is hardly a fucking exercise in equality anyway. And we're talking about a remake of a comedy that was popular and successful in the 80s - it's not like they're taking big risks and giving the women a chance to shine on their own, is it? How about an all-woman written and directed original film, or can't they spare the money? Because they seem to find enough cash for Seth Rogen or one of the other comedy clones to vomit out another catastrophe every year. Or maybe the people with the money are all men and prefer jokes about farts and masturbation.

That's the worst thing that seems to get ignored - this is Hollywood's lazy way of brushing a few crumbs from the table and saying 'See? Women have just as much power and prominence in the movies! By the way, do you know any girl who's turned 18? We need the new love interest for a 50 year old in the latest action flick. We need someone who looks just good enough that we can photoshop a huge pair of tits on her. We're going to take it in turns to take her to dinner and try to bed her before filming starts.' Hello people? There is enough sexism to deal with in Hollywood without worrying what IMDB rating Ghostbusters got and why.. Treat the disease, not the symptoms.