production team accidentally left the "Ceramic Knives Infomercial" guy's audio narration on mute

I got a long list of needs gotta satisfy 'em all
And the first on the list is a bag of Tylenol
Cause I'm stressed out thinking I don't have the time at all
To get my shopping done, let me start here, on the top at one

First, I need to check my e-mail
Oh shit, yahoo front page news, another celebrity female
That had a wedding recently, the marriage epicly failed
I need to click the link because I need to get the details

Soon as I click it I'm hit with a little ad
That reminds me of a need that I already had
It's an absolute must have need it really bad
Before I read the story I be rushing out of my pad

Now I'm in my car speeding cause I'm itching to find
A Mickey D's drive through so I can sit in the line
Gotta get in it in time, can't waste a minute of time
The McRib's only there for a limited time

And then I'm hit with a sign, that makes a switch in my mind
Reminding me of a need of a different kind
A brightly colored advertisement on a bus bench
Makes me head to Target to pick up tents

Cause tomorrow they're coming out with Call of Duty 84
And it's a necessity I camp out at the store
You never know they might never fucking make any more
I'm gonna rush to the front when they open the door
And trample over any people that fall down on the floor
This ain't a game, this is war
If you produce it I'll consume it if you shove it down my freaking throat
Everybody else got it, I don't wanna miss the boat

[Hook x2]
It's a lot of shit I really really need
And I need to get all of it at a really fast speed
I'm aware I'm a puppet of another man's greed
I don't care, I'm in love with all this shit I really need

[Verse 2]

My duffle bag is packed
With my phone, and my pod, my shuffle, pad, and mac
Got all of my i's dotted, if they made it I got it
And I'mma open my wallet for the next iProduct

Gotta try to give them all that I can bruh
Cause every phone that I own needs to have multiple cameras
And my last one only had one
How can I be seen from boths sides of the screen, I mean

If I don't desperately plead and request for my upgrade
I'll definitely bleed to death or die of AIDS
I need better resolution, more gigs!
Angry birds is old, I need war pigs!

I need to tell the landlord as far as what is concerned
I gave Apple every cent that I earned
So I'mma be late, now I need a Tecate
To deflate this stress caused by not letting my needs wait

[Hook]

"God damn man I just need to relax, watch some late night TV
Aw infomercials... Aw fuck I need all this shit too!"

[Verse 3]

I got a lot of insecurities, use 'em to attack me
I'm going bald, getting fat, plus I got acne
I'm looking like a combination of all the before pics
Please pretty please let me make you more rich

Cause I need to get over whatever it is that I'm sick from
List some symptoms, I bet I could pick one
Yeah I got the fifth one, out of 45
Stomach aches, surely I need that particular drug to take

The terrorists got me scared as shit
Time to buy a terror kit, with a mask for air in it
God bless my soul, I need to invest in gold
The economy as we know it is about to fucking fold

And we're all gonna die if I don't fucking buy
All the oil's running dry, asteroids from the sky
Who am I, where am I, what am I, I just need to fucking find
The nearest Wal-Mart that's got a gun to buy

Television is just a hole, generally. Not that I was ever their main market, but at least I could flip it on at three in the morning and catch some REALLY bad but amusing B-movie being run to fill time in their programming. Now they just put infomercials on in those time periods. On every station.

They used to play actual documentaries on the History Channel. Now it's usually something like "History's TOP TEN BIGGEST EXPLOSIONS" or Wrestling if I give it a go.

The success of mythbusters, dirty jobs and reality television was not kind to Discovery channels programming.

Holy shit nicole stop complaining you don't even have a tvOK SIGNING OFF

@GeeSussFreeK that's a brilliant idea.

I'm gonna make millions! It's like a George foreman grill, with copper sheets on springs (for contact but not pressure) with little fans top and bottom adding gentle convection of temperature controlled air.

Watch out Infomercials here i come!

This reminds me of those guys filmed in black and white during infomercials that try to wrap a sandwich in saran wrap, failing in the most absurdly clumsy ways and ending up burning their house down while wrapped in a cocoon of plastic. THERE HAS GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY.

I have a stopwatch going to see how long until an infomercial sells us a device that does this.

@ponceleon, yes this is a real effect that you see with real lenses. The tilt shift lenses made by Nikon and Canon like the one above mimic the motions possible using a large format view camera. By allowing both the film and lens plane to be manipulated by the photographer, it is possible to do some really interesting things like having an apparent infinite focus and perfect parallels.

I had to use a 4x5 camera (like this one) for an assignment back when I was doing my photography program. I can tell you that the image quality you get with a big sheet of film is unparalleled among digital cameras. Plus big 4x5 view cameras are a lot of fun to use.

@sixshot, yes, PC (perspective control) lenses that allow tilt/shift movements are incredibly expensive, buy not really much more than any other high-end 35mm lenses these days. (The last lens I bought for my system retails for about $2400.) It's true that photoshop can imitate some of what is possible with these leses, but digital imitation is never as good as the real thing.

It might be interesting to note that it's possible to pick up 4x5 view camera system (on ebay) capable of these motions AND a professional film scanner (new) to digitize your images for less money than the PC lens shown in this infomercial.

Nice video, didn't know that 'actual' uses of a tilt shift, only the cool model effect.

The voice over lady is terrible though, sounds like an infomercial for sanitary pads.

>> ^bcglorf:

So firstly in terms of Iraq, rather than get subjective let's examine some of the facts:
Iraq's infant mortality rates are currently the highest amongst Arab countries
Iraq's life expectancy has declined (by about 7 years) since the US invasion and is the lowest amongst Arab countries.
Iraq has the second lowest purchasing power of any country in the region, only Yemen is worse,
Child malnutrition has stayed pretty similar, while education has improved.
70% of Iraq's GDP now comes from oil, it's industry and farming sectors have pretty much been destroyed.
You do realize all your comparisons there take their Saddam-era equivalents on faith from Saddam's regime, right? Life expectancy calculated in Saddam-era Iraq as an example excluded the hundreds of thousands of Kurds and Shia that were murdered, starved or killed, seeing as those creatures were barely human, let alone Iraqi.
So as horrific as Saddam's reign of terror was, it was because of America that he was allowed to be in power in the first place, and even then things were better than they are now by many measures.
Stop trying to make everything about America. America this and America that...
I've not lived my life in a hole, and am well aware of America's past support for Saddam. I don't recall saying much of anything about America though. I just pointed out how horrific Saddam was, and Iraq is better for him being gone, whether his removal came at the hands of America or the Easter bunny was besides the point.
And as stated above, there are no objective measures of Saddam-era Iraq's living conditions. There is only the official Saddam government line, and the stories of it's victims. The documented facts that we do have are mass-graves, concentration camps, a campaign to exterminate and breed the Kurd's out of existence through mass murder and systematic rape. We have the same campaign waged against Iraq's Shia, witnessed first hand by everyone involved in the 1st Gulf War as America committed perhaps it's greatest sin in Iraq and stood idly by and watched Saddam's gunships murder the Iraqi Shia populations by the tens of thousands(many estimates top 100's of thousands).
In terms of Gaddafi, you're arguing into the wind, I've never said I thought he was the better option, I'm simply saying that going by the atrocities committed by or for America in recent decades (in Chile, Vietnam, Iraq, Palestine to name a few countries), they are the last country that should be getting involved in any sort of democratization process. All that is assured by this 'victory' is that Libya's natural resources will be plundered, some rich elite will make a killing, the masses will suffer and the new leadership will be just as corrupt as the last.
Again, what's with your obsession with America? I declared it good that Gaddafi is gone. Your the one who complain about how it really wasn't because evil America was involved.
Lastly, if you're so convinced that America is in Libya to save lives
Again, I never said that. I pointed out that the UN mandate authorized the use of force to save Libyan lives. I pointed out that NATO's forces did exactly that, since without them Gaddafi was guaranteed to have succeeded in his genocide within 24 hours. What I did NOT say was that saving those lives was America or NATO's motivation. There are plenty of other places NATO could go save lives(particularly Sudan and Somalia) if that was their motivation, but it isn't. NATO, like every other global entity, is motivated by it's own self-interest. In Libya, removing Gaddafi was in NATO's interests, and seeing the Libyan opposition succeed was in NATO's interests.
Here's the bit you miss in the above piece. The Libyan civilians are no less dead because NATO stopped a genocide out of selfish interest versus out of humanitarian desires. What matters is that they are alive today, and that Gaddafi's ability to met out revenge against them has been destroyed. They are safe, and they are free. What they do with it, and how the rest of the world plays into that is yet to be seen. I won't disagree that every nation, America included, will play the new Libyan leadership to their own best advantages and interests. However, neither will I stand quietly by as ignorant people complain about Gaddafi's overthrow being meaningless because of that. The Libyan people HAVE seen a great victory here for their own freedoms, even if it's uncertain how long lived that victory may be.


I'm picturing an infomercial right about now. Buy our world class American installed dictator right now and you'll receive many happy decades of watching your wife get raped, your lawn regularly razed, and your children going without food or education. But wait! There's more! In thirty of forty years (basically whenever we feel like it) we'll send in an army and take your lawn for ourselves so you don't have to worry about the dictator razing it any more!!!! Special discounts apply if you order before Libya.

1. America put Saddam in power, his atrocities are in large part America's fault
2. America has enabled many other dictators around the world, it's what they do when a leader doesn't follow their wishes
3. Knowing full well what outcomes these dictatorships have had (as intended) in the past, how do you know we wont get similar results this time?

We're talking about a country here, it has people that want different things, of course some Libyans are going to be happy that Gaddafi is removed, many will have wanted other outcomes, neither of us can speak for them, we are not Libyan. You say a few people dieing/getting bombed is ok to save a possible genocide. Would you kill your family to save your village? The people dieing in Libya are someones family, they are real, just because you aren't Libyan doesn't mean you can't feel empathy for them. Wake up man, you and your country are not the center of the world, you can't force your will on others unfairly without at least some repercussions. Your day is coming, and it's coming faster than you might think.

Attention Disorder Infomercial for the porn loving internet gerneration..

Reminds me of the preachers on TV selling stuff via infomercial "special offers" to discover your lord and savior.

It's funny how one scam talks about another scam. The NIA is not even on Wikipedia. Great infomercial. Can I scrub this crap from my brain now? Oh wait, I can't and they know that. All I can say is it took way too long for me to realize the glazed over look all cult leaders have when they are trying to part you from your own wits and cash. It would have been worth to time wasted watching this if Glenn Beck popped out a cake at some point.

this isn't "news" it's an infomercial style *commercial on prime time.

>> ^westy:

This is pretty retarded "we have nothing more to talk about "
cheesy editing bad music comes across as one of them retarded Conservative political infomercials , If this is intended for Christians to watch they will turn it off right away and i'm not really sure how its constructive for atheists , i'm sure its not that hard to highlight idiotic parts of religion and people that follow religion without coming across as non communicative and confrontational.


I agree, mostly. It's a bit heavy-handed and over-produced; it probably would have been more impactful without the music and without all the footage of the actress typing her letter.

As a lifelong atheist of secular-minded, deist parents I cannot fully empathize with this video's perspective but I know that for many others, it hits home. I can't imagine how ridiculous it would be to really have to argue about the merits and historical accuracy of the bible with my own parents.

However, my father, a retired high school science teacher, recently had a weird bout of moon-landing hoax conspiracy fever after watching a video of that jackass who confronted Neil Armstrong with a camera crew and a bible, demanding he swear that he really walked on the moon. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znzoVcjS2IA&NR=1 Apparently, he found it rather damning in favor of the hoax.

I humored him for a while. In fact, for his birthday, I got him a bunch of books about the moon landing, just as a joke. His being a science teacher with a masters degree made it especially weird. But it got to the point that that's all he wanted to talk about so I said, "look, during the two times a year we see each other, I'd prefer that those times go smoothly. If you feel the same, you'll not raise this topic again." And that seemed to do the trick.

I can almost understand someone believing the moon landing was a hoax. But that the stories in the bible are true? That's just puerile silliness.

This is pretty retarded "we have nothing more to talk about "

cheesy editing bad music comes across as one of them retarded Conservative political infomercials , If this is intended for Christians to watch they will turn it off right away and i'm not really sure how its constructive for atheists , i'm sure its not that hard to highlight idiotic parts of religion and people that follow religion without coming across as non communicative and confrontational.