Meet your 2028 Summer Olympics Gold medal winner.

Thank you Jesus!

Chris rewrote his letter with cleaned up language. His reasoning here:

http://blogs.twincities.com/outofbounds/2012/09/08/out-of-bounds-blog-no-8-inquisitive-kitten-pawing-at-yarn/


The letter here (former curse words in all caps):

Dear Emmett C. Burns Jr.,
I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of the United States government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words):

1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first, the VERY FIRST Amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents so as to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to state that the Ravens should “inhibit such expressions from your employees”, more specifically Brendon Ayanbadejo, not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, you also come across as a BEAUTIFULLY UNIQUE SPARKLEPONY. What on earth would possess you to be so mind-bogglingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word. SAD PUPPY DOG EYES hypocritical starts to approach it a little bit.

2. “Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment, and excitement.” DISAPPOINTED LEMUR FACE WITH SOLITARY TEAR TRICKLING DOWN TO CHIN. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who’s “deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland”? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”? I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a ten for “beautiful oppressionism”).

3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about DANCING CHUBTOAD? “ALACK AND ALAS MY TOP HAT HAS FALLEN. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that DELICIOUS STATE FAIR HOTDOG!” Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (unlikely, gay people enjoy watching football too)
I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero affect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful FROLICKING OSTRICH. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90% of our population, rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?

In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter, in some small way, causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot in mouth SLIDE WHISTLE TO E FLAT you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.

Sincerely,
Chris Kluwe

p.s. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your close-minded, totally lacking in empathy piehole and choke on it. UNFORTUNATELY PHALLIC HEDGE SCULPTURE.

Everyone seems to have their favorite. I loved that it was directed at a "man of the cloth."

Delicious!

In reply to this comment by radx:
"(...) the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal (the Russian judge gives you a 10 for "beautiful oppressionism")."

That line alone was more than worth it.
In reply to this comment by bareboards2:

http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-magically-turn-you-into-a-lustful-cockmonster-chris-kluwe-explains-gay-marriage-to-the-politician-who-is
-offende
d-by-an-nfl-player-supporting-it


Bad bad BAD language, but I suspect you might enjoy the English slang lesson. As would @hpqp.

Any athlete that can get an Olympic gold medal while wearing jeans is OK by me.>> ^Payback:

Does anyone else start thinking she's attractive, then suddenly remember who she's dating?

>> ^shogunkai:

Why is the guy who won so happy? He only won because the person in front of him crashed on the last corner.


http://videosift.com/video/Australias-1st-Winter-Olympics-Gold-Medal

Win's a win...

As a species, according to evolutionary principle, they should be eliminated..and certainly not allowed to reproduce. They are a genetic dead-end, a contagion in the gene pool. Natural selection would prefer to wipe them out..and if they had to survive on their own, they would be wiped out.

So the question is, what is their value as human beings, according to evolutionary principle? Isn't perpetuating the abberation irrational? If not, why?

>> ^Ryjkyj:
Shiny, evolution doesn't work that way. If someone with a severe disability survives and reproduces, they are a successful organism. If an Olympic gold medal holder has no children, speaking in terms of evolution: they are useless.

Shiny, evolution doesn't work that way. If someone with a severe disability survives and reproduces, they are a successful organism. If an Olympic gold medal holder has no children, speaking in terms of evolution: they are useless.

Canada!
Did somebody say most winter olympic gold medals ever?

Iginla Crosby Staal for life!

O and NBC sucks.
Fuck you bob.

Well lets get some Olympic gold medalists in here to devour you then.

I smell Olympic Gold! I think that is what that smell is anyway.

Cherish the post-Olympic gold!:)

I also posted a part of Atlanta games opening ceremony featuring some of the great former olympians, including my fellow countryman Leon Štukelj who was the oldest living olympic gold winner at the time. His vivacious entrance on the main podium is a sight that fills me with joy and respect every time I see it. Even the Clintons, who both attended the ceremony, were wowed. He died on November 8th, 1999 at the age of 101. Great gymnast and a truly good man. I recommend you read more about him in the articles, linked in my post...

This looks really familiar... It was on the sift a while ago but is MIA now. Darn Americans, stealing Olympic gold medals from North Korea because of a vastly larger population to draw from.

As an MMAer myself, I don't quite understand what's so mindblowing about MMA making it onto the cover of SI. It's a terrific sport, albeit somewhat misunderstood, and is quickly becoming one of the leading sport draws. I men, it's fighting for pete's sake, how can that NOT appeal to young adults?

As you may know, mixed martial arts, in the form of pankration, was one of the most popular sports in the original Greek Olympic games, back in the 600s B.C., and is currently under review for admittance as a demonstration sport in the 2008 and 2012 Olympics.

Contrary to popular belief, mixed martial art fighters are not mindless brawlers: in fact, to reach a high level in the sport requires excellence in not just one martial art, but many arts, in order to adequately cover the three ranges of combat (standing, clinch, and ground) as well as both striking and grappling. For example, Fedor, almost universally considered the best fighter in the world, draws his base as an international champion in judo and sambo, and usually trains in submission grappling, boxing, and Muay Thai. He has, among many other feats, thrown and submitted an Olympic gold-medal judoka, hip tossed an Olympic silver-medal Greco-Roman wrestler, submitted some of the world's best Brazilian jiu-jitieros, and knocked out high-level Muay Thai fighters and kickboxers.

MMA has become a proving ground for martial arts, in what I believe is the spirit of Bruce Lee's philosophy of Jeet Kune Do: take what works, discard what doesn't. Arts that are effective are proven in the ring, and ones that aren't are dropped quickly - people can't make excuses when they get hit in the face. And the arts that work have coalesced into an overarching view of fighting, making for basically the most effective method of training and preparation for unarmed combat.

As for homoerotic overtones....well, I guess one can see what one wants to see.

Sifters interested in learning more about specific aspects of MMA can check out my Fighting Arts playlist, which includes sifts covering an expanding selection of martial arts practiced and used in mixed martial arts competitions.

That thing busted me up. Am I the only one who thought it was hilarious. I especially liked the part about stealing the Olympic gold medal.