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Heroic River Boarder Rescues Drowning Squirrel
Heroic? So, some river boarder sees a squirrel on a rock and thinks: "awww, how cute. I'm going to go over there and see if he needs help, because clearly he couldn't have gotten there on his own by swimming. Hey little buddy, you want a ride on my extremely non-natural looking piece of flotation device, something which doesn't exist in your environment."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH. Terrifying man-thing. It's going to eat me. I just came out to this rock to wait while I gathered up my energy to swim the rest of the way across the river and some monster slithered down the river and emerged, all yellow and black and hairy looking. Leave me alone, vile beast! Curse you!"
"You look scared little squirrel, are you afraid of the water? Here, get on my board. Come on. I'll move a little closer to you to make sure you get on. Stop backing away."
"OH NO! He is moving in for the kill, quick, where can I run! Ha, the silly monster can't swim up river, I shall go there! I shall jump to that rock with the fast moving water on it and show this evil monster how squirrels swim. That will show him not to mess with my kind!"
*JUMP*
"Glub Glub. Blargh, this is turning out to be much harder than I thought. Ahhhh, glub glub."
"Oh no, the little guy jumped in the river again. I'll just swim over and save him from his ultimate demise. Silly guy, why did he do that? I was offering him a ride, why didn't he understand that was what I was doing?"
"Glub glub; AAAAAHH, it's coming closer. I am doomed. Farewell cruel world, I knew thee not long but I loved thee so well."
"Gotcha. Here, take a ride on my board. That's better, isn't it little guy? Here, I'll bring you to shore."
"Wah! You have trapped me! Are you going to take me back to your friends to feast on me together? Wait. What is this thing? What magics be this? How does this trap float so well. It must be made of some sort of advanced tree structure that only the giants know how to grow. I am tempted to jump back in the river but I am certain you will catch me again and my energy will have been wasted. No, I will play the possum and wait for my moment. Yes, just when you think you have got me, I shall spring away to safety. Silly giants, they do not know anything. You are bringing me closer to shore, yes. Closer. Closer. *Jump* Hahahahhahaha. Silly giant, now I am up a tree, you will never catch me. Of course, you could have avoided all of this by leaving me alone! Next time, don't waste both of our time and energy by trying to catch a squirrel, we are too smart for you giant monsters!"
"There you go little buddy, now you are safe. Shouldn't have jumped in the river like that, though. Next time you see a human, expect them to be trying to help you, man. Now I will go and cover myself in patchouli oil and smoke some weed."
Moral of the story: Leave wild animals the fuck alone.
It's Illegal To Feed The Homeless In Florida
The good news is, you're not allowed to frighten mammals.
For those who read this law thoroughly.
"No person shall molest, harm, frighten, kill, trap, hunt, feed, chase, capture,
shoot or throw any object which may harm any mammal..."
So, scare off a squirrel and you're just as fucked as feeding a hungry human.
newtboy
(Member Profile)
Your video, HAPPY HALLOWEEN-Squirrel Carves Pumpkin, has made it into the Top 15 New Videos listing. Congratulations on your achievement. For your contribution you have been awarded 1 Power Point.
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HAPPY HALLOWEEN-Squirrel Carves Pumpkin
When I watched closely, it looked like they pre-cut small holes at the eyes (well, the second eye anyway) and nose, and made a deep scratch at the mouth. I guessed that made an obvious spot for the squirrel to eat from without having to get it's own hole going, which seems to be difficult for them on something that size. I couldn't figure out how they got it to move on to the new hole though, so maybe you're on to something with peanut butter? Perhaps a combination of both?
Either way, good trick!
Spread peanut butter in those spots?
Romanian Super Rally Fan is Exausting
Nice, but I didn't hear the 'POP' at each shift, nor did I hear any squirrels being thrown into wood chippers on the downshift. 7.5/10
Sleeping surprise on road
I regularly see cats and squirrels doing the same thing.
Barseps
(Member Profile)
Your video, Squirrel vs. Water Balloon., has made it into the Top 15 New Videos listing. Congratulations on your achievement. For your contribution you have been awarded 1 Power Point.
Squirrel thwarted by Vaseline
The white hand makes it look like some sort of first person squirrell-em-up.
Squirrel thwarted by Vaseline
..And the rock squirrel will have nice, soft paws for weeks!
Squirrelfriend
So the convoy of aid trucks were just a clever diversion, the real threat was from Spetsnaz trained insurgent squirrels.
Smart squirrel, he was going for the assault rifle but realized the clip was out.
Squirrelfriend
Smart squirrel, he was going for the assault rifle but realized the clip was out.
Squirrelfriend
It used to be illegal to put a squirrel down your pants for the purposes of gambling, and let's be real, why else would you do it?
Rise of the Super Drug Tunnels: California's Losing Fight
Considered and rejected. Besides, Bill prefers plastic explosive (you can't make Mr Squirrel out of TNT)!
Because some are under my house, even the gophenator and similar explosive methods are excluded. I even have to be careful trying gas, or I might gas myself. It's a problem.
On the serious side...there is a way to make it unappealing enough to stop the criminal aspect....legalize and regulate...that removes the insane profit margins and makes dangerous illegal smuggling no longer worth it....but maybe that's not what you meant.
I find Bill Murray with a few sticks of dynamite to be a much cheaper solution.
On the more serious side of things, he's crazy if he thinks they'll ever be able to make a billion dollar drug industry unappealing enough to stop people from trying it.
Jeff Zwart Pikes Peak Run, 2014 - /DRIVER'S EYE
If you look at how the camera moves when it cuts out repeatedly in the 2nd half of the vid, it's very much like jumping on the brakes every time it cuts out... even aside from the squirrel in the wood chipper noise!
He did well to be within 1.2 seconds of the first place time after those problems.
I guess that's why you have dual fuel pumps on a race car, huh?
Great driving, I just wish he would stop throwing the squirrels into that wood chipper.
Jeff Zwart Pikes Peak Run, 2014 - /DRIVER'S EYE
I guess that's why you have dual fuel pumps on a race car, huh?
Great driving, I just wish he would stop throwing the squirrels into that wood chipper.