That... looks like a fucking mess. I wonder what shape the falafel is in when it's time to eat it?

From this week's issue of The New Yorker:


Shouts & Murmurs February 16, 2015 Issue
Diary of the Left Shark
By Kelly Stout




A remarkable feat of agility was performed on Sunday night, and it had nothing to do with football. It was the sharks. . . . The dancing sharks at Katy Perry’s Super Bowl halftime show . . . danced in unison. But soon, one of the sharks, specifically Left Shark, said enough of that, and began to do his own thing frenetically on national television.

—Washington Post.

First rehearsal went great. Katy says to just call her “Katy”—very down-to-earth move. Happy to see Eric! Grateful he got me this gig, as not a lot of work out there for us sharks.

Second rehearsal O.K. Eric picking up dance moves faster than me, which is no biggie, since I’m still getting over quad injury. Still, resolving to work harder. Went for a beer afterward with dancing Blue Surfboard, named Jeremy. He’s worked with Miley Cyrus!

Eric texted wanting to know if I could use some “extra practice.” Didn’t think I needed “extra practice,” but Eric = good buddy, so I value his input. Couldn’t meet him, though, had book club.

Eric acting high and mighty in rehearsal—keeps referring to himself as “old veteran.” Feel he should turn it down a notch. Super Bowl halftime show is not a combat situation, and metaphor makes no sense.

Rehearsal rough tonight. Eric called my grasp of choreography “amateurish.” Said he did big favor by recommending me, and now worried Katy won’t hire him again. Said work must be “on a professional level” with “zero tolerance for mistakes.” I told him I was sorry to have disappointed, that my work will be “professional level” from here on out. Went to bathroom and cried into fins, but no one saw except Jeremy, who was very understanding. J says Katy makes a lot of people crazy—just ask Russell Brand! Found joke to be a little sexist—and, besides, Katy not really the problem—but appreciated support.

Katy took me aside after rehearsal. Uh-oh. But no! Said she likes seeing my extra effort! On verge of major breakthrough vis-à-vis choreography!

Happy to have long weekend off from rehearsal to regroup. Guy at brunch overheard me talking about current gig and asked if I am a real shark! Of course I’m a real shark! Tried not to be offended, but people can be so ignorant.

Back at rehearsal. Things steadily better, but sometimes feel Eric = competitive with me, since so few of us sharks in the industry. But shouldn’t that bring us closer? (Rising tide lifts all sharks!)

Big day almost here. Grandma and Mom both called to say everyone back home’s rooting for me. Pressure, but in a good way.

Eric recommended some changes to choreography today. Katy considers Eric “genius,” so took recommendations. Feel my success with old choreography hard won, so am disappointed. This time, Eric didn’t offer any “extra help.”

More dance changes today! Can’t keep up, and Eric can tell. Hate to sound paranoid, but worry that Eric’s trying to sabotage me! Going to have a glass of Shiraz to relax before practicing new moves.

Regret drinking entire bottle of wine last night. Skipped rehearsal, which I realize is not “professional level” behavior, but Eric and his “zero-tolerance policy” can suck it.

Embarrassed by last diary entry. Eric is not sabotaging me. Am letting my insecurities get in way of friendship.

NOPE. ERIC’S DEFINITELY TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME. Super Bowl is tomorrow and he changed dance moves AGAIN. Trying to make a fool of me. Unsure which makes me sadder, potential end of dance career or potential end of friendship.

Super Bowl over. Grandma and Mom called to remind me that my personal best was all they ever asked for. Am laughingstock of Internet. Gained hundreds of Twitter followers, but suspect most are “joke” follows. Katy sweet about it.

Jeremy invited me to have a beer with him and other Surfboard. Frankly, feel that other Surfboard’s kind of a blowhard, so declined.

Got voice mail from Mom this morning asking if I’m considering going back for teaching degree. Said I’m “good with kids” and not end of world that dancing didn’t work out. Ouch.

Jeremy brought over falafel last night and made me forget Super Bowl debacle with impression of Taylor Swift. Didn’t know Jeremy = T.S. fan! Promised I wouldn’t tell Katy. Not that I’ll be working with Katy again anytime soon.

Text from Eric wanting to know how I’m “holding up.” Chose not to say anything, as had nothing nice to say.

Jeremy joining book club! Silver lining of Super Bowl ordeal.

Downloaded application to Columbia Teachers College. Think I could maybe make a difference in lives of youth, plus get mind off Super Bowl. Jeremy, Mom, and Grandma all supportive. Mom asked if Jeremy just a friend or what. Her ideas re male friendship pretty “stone age,” but appreciate her interest.

Feeling O.K. about future. Dance world maybe too toxic for shark like me. Perhaps whole episode not humiliation but wake-up call! Considering move to Austin. ♦

Stick a falafel in it!

Pepper spray is great on falafel.

^Falafels, eh? That's how we'll get BillO to become one of our secret agents. I can already feel the tentacles of our plot slipping into all orifices the right leaves unprotected. So, anyone up for some hentai?

@kronosposeidon Glenn Beck's waaaaaay ahead of you. Haven't you heard? Progressives are in an alliance with radical Muslims to bring about a Caliphate that's gonna take over the entire middle east, parts of Europe, and randomly New Zealand.

I can't wait, I'll be able to visit the Shire and eat organic halal falafels at the same time.

The guy can't figure out the difference between a loofah and a falafel. How do you expect him to understand something as complicated as gravitation?

The problem is not with O'Reilly, he is an idiot, in a sane world he would be packing Cheeri-Os into a box and making minimum wage. The problem is that millions of Americans listen to this idiot and believe every word he says when he is demonstrably wrong most of the time.

Thank you.

In reply to this comment by paul4dirt:
*promote

Congratulations on the shiny new ruby!

Flying Lotus-Beginners Falafel from Nick Torres on Vimeo.

Actually he looks more like a serial loofah (or is that falafel?) abuser to me.

Bill! It's ok that this will be on the internet forever! It's not humiliating, it's just fun. It's not like the kid lost his temper and repeatedly swore at his co-workers, or was sued for sexual harassment and publicly ridiculed for what he said. Not every video is bad for the person featured, Bill, that's just you!

You don't need a lawyer to make Bill O'Reilly look stupid. All you need is:

3 working brain cells
1/2 sense of logic
30 seconds airtime

Mix ingredients together, but do not overly-mix, or your microphone will be turned off.

In a separate saucepan, bring water to a boil, then add 1 whole Bill O'Reilly. Turn heat down and simmer until he yells, "FUCK IT, WE'LL DO IT LIVE!"

Remove from burner and let cool down for five minutes, or until interview is over.

Serve on a chilled plate with a side of falafel.

Who's next? Karl Rove? Hurricane Katrina?

But seriously, congratulations and falafels for everyone!

*sticky

Now's my chance to feel smarter than a political know-it-all by pointing out that it's Andrea Mackris, not Amanda. And that will probably be the last time I get to do that.

In reply to this comment by NetRunner:
To commemorate this occasion, Amanda Makris will be stopping by with a falafel, a loufa, and a sexual harassment attorney.

Some say Bill O'Reilly likes sex with goats.

Some say Bill O'Reilly and Keith Olbermann are drinking buddies.

Some say BillOreilly is a librul parody, and not really an American Patriot like the real Bill O'Reilly.

But I say we should ban this troll before he gets his own channel.