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I'M PHILLIP AND I'D LIKE TO SH-SHOW YOU MY SWORD SKILLLSSSSS
spawnflaggerupvote for Dragon Twister!
I think he would kick the Star Wars Kid's ass, in a wooden-katana-vs-floor-lamp battle.
If he practices 2 hours a day, he'll lose the weight. But since he gets winded after 6 minutes, he'll have to work up to that. It's better than seeing kids play WoW all day long.