Transcription:

Fornication...

... 'scuse me.

For an occasion such as this, I'd like to thank you all for coming to celebrate the marriage of Shane and Tina's. A wise man told me that the best man speech should last as long as the groommate's love.

<brief pause>

... Thank you ladies and gentlemen.

I'm standing up here tonight representing the category for best man. A term that is unjustly appointed to me, and not deserved. Though it's a great honor, I'm not really the best man, just a good guy. The best man here tonight, is Shane Seaver. Now as I mentioned it's a great honor to be the best man, but with that comes a role: writing this speech. And to be honest with you, to make the process a bit easier, I decided to turn to the internet for some help.

The obvious place seemed to be the internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips, I began searching the web. After a couple hours of searching, I found some really good stuff. But then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for speech ideas.

I did actually find several speech ideas, unfortunately none of them were about a couple named Shane and Tina who lived in Lincoln. Shane was born on June 19, 1974. I tried to link this to some major world event, but it seems that nothing else happened that day, although the Henderson hospital staff still refers to that day as "Ugly Wednesday."

Unfortunately Shane was a slow starter... at playschool Shane was different from all the other 5-year olds... he was 11.

Shane and Tina are each great individuals and together they truly make an unstoppable couple. They are both caring, strong-willed, and intelligent. Their love for one other is apparent to each one of us today. The great thing about Shane and Tina is that they have planned far more than their wedding, they have planned their marriage. As a matter of fact, Shane has already found out the married man is one who replaces the money in his wallet with a picture of his wife.

Shane is always excellent in everything he does, whether it was school, friends, his career, sports... even if he was the last one to be picked. And I know that if he models his parents Don and Sherry, then he will be a wonderful spouse for Tina. And since I'm married, I guess I should give you a little marriage advice - one thing that my wife Jodie and I ... we never go to bed angry, we usually just stay up and argue.

Ladies and gentlemen, these two people are very important to us. Without them the night would be a little less joyous. The great thing about this is as the evening progresses, most of us will have the opportunity to spend more time talking with them. So please join me in a very personal toast... to the bar staff. Thank you.

Tonight I'm here free of charge. And I hope you found me worth every penny. But I only have a minute left, which normally I would reserve for rupturous applause for myself. However, on this occasion I'll finish with a poem that sums up marriage quite nicely (it's good).

"The perfect groom is gentle, never harsh, cruel, or mean
he has a beautiful smile and keeps his face so clean
the perfect groom likes children, and will raise them by your side
he'll be a good father and husband to his bride
the perfect groom loves cooking, cleaning, and laundry too
he'll do anything in his power to show his love for you
the perfect groom is sweet, writing poetry from your name
he's the best friend to your mother, and kisses away your pain
he'll never make you cry or hurt you in any way
and if this poem stands to be true, then Shane... you really are gay."

How do you follow that up?

I would seriously hate to be the next toast after that . . .

*happy *love

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