Did that strawberry just wink at me?

The original:
http://www.videosift.com/video/The-Beatles-Strawberry-Fields

@schmawy: I didn't hear any complaining when the strawberry jelly was on your muzzle, you kinky bastard. Now behave yourself, I've got a new rifle to try out, kitty cat...

@blankfist: Gay jokes from blankfist...what a surprise! I hope your movies are more original than your comments, or you'll be back to directing gay midget porn soon enough.

@MycroftHolmez: I'm sure that would be somewhat funny if I had seen some geeky movie. Instead it's uninspired and boring. Like you, mycroft.

@mas8705: the channel envy is plain to see. Rocknroll is for men, videogames are for boys...and fat, ugly mid-30s losers who still live with their mom...looking your way, mas.

@kulpims: your name suddenly came up on the list of potential sacrifices.

@firefly: we Europeans aren't squeemish when it comes to phallic land masses...you damn prude.

@Zifnab: you know all that talk of me being Mr. Peanut was just a trick to get you to suck my salty nuts? Worked perfectly. His dark helmet bobbing forwards and backwards...memories.

@gorgonheap: you succesfully killed your own joke, not to mention what little respect you might still have had here, with that last comment. How can I kill something that is already dead?

@laura: look who the stalker is now...I want you to tear up that restraining order, laura!

@calvados: you did that with your ex-"girlfriend" as well. I've seen the pictures...no room for doubt.

@gwiz665: Give me a challenge! This is a guy who sits in front of his computer all day, drinking cola and jerking off at regular intervals. He probably wears glasses too. His idea of wit is quoting Futurama. Despite being heterosexual, he hangs out in gay bars because no woman will speak to him. His mother makes up stuff about him so her friends won't think Lil' Nicky is as pathetic as he is. All in all, we're all richer people for not knowing this guy in person.

@nibiyabi: My hairy back and busted knuckles are powerful aphrodisiacs. Just ask your grandma.

@thinker247: I was looking forward to ripping you a new one, but then you end up praising my name. Bullet dodged for now...

@Crosswords: I'll make an exception and eat ice cream from your decapitated skull. THEN I'll get romantic with said skull. That knife-wielding raccoon won't be able to help you then.

@alien_concept: I think I prefer you keep sending me nude pictures of yourself instead of stuff like this. I know you crave my attention, but like I told you after those inappropriate phone calls you made: "I don't dig bald chicks or wooden legs". And I know you've tried to better yourself, but honestly; 3 teeth, no matter how white, are still 29 too few. Keep looking, Rae, I'm sure there are some guys in the damaged goods department that might go for you.

@NordlichReiter: ...and I'd do it again. And again. Then I probably wouldn't care anymore.

@my15minutes: your 15 minutes were up 5 minutes after you were born, you uninteresting spellchecker you!

@rougy: who are you, why should I care...and why are you wearing my dirty boxers as a hat?

@dotdude: I hear roast of dotdude is a Creole delicacy...

Actually, he didn't shoot that beast. He performed oral sex on it, as is evidenced by the ungulate's ecstatic repose. And that's strawberry jelly on it's muzzle (you don't want to know).

upvote for the sound when she takes a bite from the strawberry

Three eggplants, two lemons, one head of broccoli, half of a strawberry, and one blueberry.

In reply to this comment by demonic_daria:
By the way... what is your icon? I'm trying not to be attracted to it.

cooking + military + wtf = marinegunrock
actionpack + engineering + meme = maatc
downunder + cult + commercial = dag
sci-fi + drugs + cinema = my15minutes
music + wheels + eia = kulpims

I think he meant boring stuff like this

Totally psyched. I've got some great ideas working. I can't 100% commit that this will be exactly as you guys see it tomorrow night, but this is the plan so far:
VideoSift Tasting Menu 2008

Thai Coconut Soup
With Sunflower Sprout Tempura

Smoked Duck Salad Roll
Spicy Mango-Soy Dip

Pan Roasted Halibut
Stir fry of Wild Chanterelles

Seared Quebec Foie Gras
Tomato “Brioche”, Salad of Green Olive, Almond, Mandarin Orange, Cherry Tomato and Frozen Grape

Salad of Heirloom Tomatoes
Balsamic Reduction, Fresh Mozzarella “Crouton”, Thai Basil, Black Volcanic Salt

“Scallop Wrapped Bacon”
Grilled BC Matsutake mushroom, oven cured Butternut Squash Chip

Grilled Baby Romaine
Spicy Eggplant and shaved Parmigiano Reggiano

Sorbet
Grapefruit and Sambuca

Seared Lamb
Maple-Tamarind Jus, Fiddlehead Tart

Grilled Beef Tenderloin
Potato basket, roasted Baby Beets

Chocolate Sour Cherry Bread Pudding
Macerated Okanogan Strawberries

Lavender Chocolate Truffles


I got a bunch of prep ready for it today, so it'll be awesome whatever happens. Bring yer appetites, folks!

^I'll bring the strawberry soda!

Comment hidden because you are ignoring dag. (show it anyway)

I recall that she was wearing running shoes - only dorks wore moon boots. She had a black, faded Iron Maiden shirt on under the ski coat - and she kept her Alyeska lift pass on the zipper - like all the cool kids do. I can still smell her strawberry lip gloss.

#36 A duck's quack doesn't echo

#37 A snail breathes through its foot

#38 Fish cough.

#39 An ant's smell is stronger then a dog's

#40 It is possible to lead a cow up stairs but not down

#41 Shrimp can only swim backward

#42 Frogs cannot swallow with their eyes open

#43 A cat's lower jaw cannot move sideways

#44 The bullfrog is the only animal that never sleeps

#45 Elephants are capable of swimming 20 miles per day

#46 Elephants are the only mammal that cannot jump

#47 Giraffes have no vocal chords

#48 Cats can hear ultrasound

#49 Despite its hump...camels has a straight spine

#50 Mosquitoes have 47 teeth

#51 There is 63,360 inches in a mile

#52 11% of people in the world are left-handed

#53 The average women consumes 6lbs of lipstick in her lifetime

#54 The average smell weighs 760 nanograms *

#55 A human brain weighs about 3lbs

#56 1/4 of the bones in your body are in your feet

#57 You blink over 10,000,000 times a year

#58 A sneeze travels out of your nose at 100mph

#59 Brain waves can be used to power an electric train

#60 The tongue is the fastest healing part of the body

#61 Pigs get sunburn

#62 The lifespan of a taste bud is 10 days

#63 The average human produces 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime

#64 Strawberries contain more Vitamin C then oranges

#65 A one-day weather forecast requires about 10 billion math calculations

#66 Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza a day

#67 There are 18 different animal shapes in the Animal cracker zoo

#68 The longest one syllable word is "screeched"

#69 No word in the English language rhymes with month

#70 A "jiffy" is actually 1/100 of a second

#71 There is a town called "Big Ugly" in West Virginia

#72 The average person uses 150 gallons of water per day for personal use

#73 The average person spends 2 weeks of its life waiting for a traffic light to change

#74 You share your birthday with 9 million others in the world

#75 The average person makes 1,140 phone calls per year

#76 The average person spends 2 years on the phone in his/her lifetime

#77 No piece of paper can be folded more then 7 times

#78 Alaska is the most eastern and western state in the US

#79 There are 119 grooves on the edge of a quarter

#80 About 18% of Animal owners share their bed with their pet

#81 Alaska has more caribou then people

#82 August has the highest percent of births

#83 Googol is a number (1 followed by 100 zeros)

#84 Oysters can change genders back and forth

#85 The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows

#86 Until the 19th century solid blocks of tea were used as money in Siberia

#87 A mile on the ocean and a mile on land are not the same distance

#88 A ten gallon hat holds less then one gallon of liquid

#89 The average American walks 18,000 steps a day

#90 The average raindrop falls at 7mph

#91 There are more telephones than people in Washington D.C.

#92 Fish can drown

#93 A Kangaroo can jump 30 feet

#94 Lizards communicate by doing push-ups

#95 Squids can have eyeballs the size of volleyballs

#96 The average American will eat 35,000 cookies in his/her lifetime

#97 A turkey can run at 20mph

#98 When the moon is directly over you, you weigh less

#99 You burn 20 calories an hour chewing gum

#100 In a year, the average person walks 4 miles making their bed

#101 About half of all Americans are on a diet at any given time

#102 A one-minute kiss burns 26 calories

#103 Frowning burns more calories then smiling

#104 There are more then 30,000 diets on public record

#105 You will burn 7% more calories walking on hard dirt then pavement

#106 You way less at the top of a mountain then sea level

#107 You burn more calories sleeping then watching TV

#108 Licking a stamp burns 10 calories

#109 Smelling apples and/or bananas can help you lose weight

#110 Frogs never drink

#111 Only male turkeys gobble

#112 At birth, a Dalmation is always pure white

#113 The fastest recorded speed of a racehorse was over 43 mph

#114 The oldest known animal was a tortoise, which lived to be 152 years old

#115 Bamboo makes up 99% of a panda's diet

#116 The largest fish is the whale shark - It can be over 50 feet long and weigh 2 tons

#117 The starfish is the only animal that can turn its stomach inside out

#118 Honeybees are the only insects that create a form of food for humans

#119 The hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards

#120 The only continent without native reptiles or snakes is Antarctica

#121 The only bird that can swim and not fly is a penguin

#122 A duck can't walk without bobbing its head

#123 Beavers were once the size of bears

#124 Seals sleep only one and a half minutes at a time

I'll bring the strawberry soda.

Boy, am I late to the punch here. Still, I think I might be able to add something deconstructive here (uh, sure) so batter up...

1. Porn cultivates good relationships.

As was mentioned somewhere above in this giant mass of thread, it can be a nice addition to an existing relationship, to get the old mind-juices flowing and liven up the old sex life. Sort of like eating vanilla cake, but then eating the same vanilla cake for years, and then realizing you can put strawberries on it, and all of a sudden vanilla cake with strawberries is the best thing you've ever eaten.

2. Porn is for men who sincerely appreciate the beauty of the female body.

I'd agree that this is a myth, except that I don't know anyone who thinks this, and it misses the point. Porn is for getting yourself excited in that special way that makes you feel all warm inside when you don't have a person to get you all warm on the outside too. Among other things. Of course, sex is mainly mental to begin with, so appreciation of beautiful bodies helps.

3. Porn is harmless and it has no negative effect on the person using it.

I also drink alcohol and curse.

4. Strippers and porn stars lead glamorous lives, and men respect them.

Glamorous? Maybe on screen, but there's effort involved -- Porn is hard work, you know. I don't know any strippers or porn stars personally, so I can't say I respect or disrespect any of them. I'm trying to be funny here, but this "myth" is so far off base I'm having trouble linking it back to reality. Come on, throw me a bone here!

5. Men like variety in women so porn use helps a man stay faithful to his woman.

You know, I think you're getting your information from a questionable source. This list isn't "Common myths about porn," it's "lame excuses men tell their wives to justify watching porn in a sitcom." Though as a man, I do like variety, so I recommend roleplay. You know what I'm talking about; I've already explained that strawberry thing.

6. Women who get involved in the porn industry choose to do so, and they have valuable careers.

"Everybody needs money! That's why they call it money!"
Too bad I've only seen the first hour of The Heist. This one I can't really argue with, but only because it's true about every career. This has been pointed out above, but just like anything else, there's people who have a career and there's people who just have a job. Then there's people without a job, and without a career, and there's people who have tons of money and just drive around all day looking for things to throw money at, and now I'm completely off track.

7. Porn is an outlet or safety valve for men who would otherwise do Bad Things.

This is patently false. Everyone knows the safety valve for men who would otherwise do Bad Things is video games. Except it always goes HORRIBLY WRONG. And then students end up getting hurt because other students were playing those MURDER SIMULATORS all day. Won't anyone think of the children? Why does no-one listen to Jack Thompson!? Oh wait I'm off topic again.

8. Women who work in porn are empowered and sexually liberated.

Damn I'm having trouble making this stuff funny. You know what, I'm going to pass on this one.

9. Porn is just a fantasy and people do not apply it to real life.

Completely false. I watched a porn once where a guy has sex with three women in the span of fifteen minutes, but then the guy turns into a girl and the three women turn into a tiger, a monsterous tentacle beast, and a plant. Then the girl has to run away from the tiger, but she's trying to make out with the plant, and the tentacle beast is just busy eating popcorn. I know this is not fantasy because it happened to me when I was 19.

-----

So there you have it. As a bonus, since this thread is about porn myths, I feel it only appropriate to add a few of my own myths about porn that are harmful to people.

10. Sexual partners always climax at the same time, even if they've just met.

11. Sex is always satisfying, and everyone feels loads of sexual pleasure effortlessly.

12. Sex is always accompanied by an appropriate soundtrack.

13. The quality of any sexual act is directly proportional to the amount of noise both sexual partners make.

14. The only appropriate things to say during sex are "Give it to me," "Oh yeah baby," and "Yes, yes, yes." Moaning is also appropriate.

15. The best way to get a woman to sleep with you is to be a domineering asshole. Wait a minute...

So despite the fact that nobody will mistake me for a professional comedian, I've hopefully made you laugh just a bit. Because one of the best things to do when confronted with an emotionally charged topic (oh crap he's getting serious, why don't I have a dental appointment lined up) is to laugh at it a bit and take the edge off. Judging from previous replies to this thread, I think a bunch of Sifters already get it.

Hmmmm . . . ‘Sure are a bunch of folks obsessed with rank around here. Need I remind you of another definition of “rank” which reads “offensive in odor."

*sprays Lysol, one can in each hand*

Now I turn to my copy of Dr. Ernest Drake’s Dragonology: the Complete Book of Dragons. I found a map of the world that identifies the various dragon and serpent species and their lands of origin. Focusing on North America I found the American ampithere (Draco americanus tex). This particular species is from the prairie and steppe regions of the continent. It is typically covered in green fur, has no legs and has moth-like wings. It hunts buffalo and other large mammals. A full grown adult is typically 45 feet long and five to ten feet high. It will attack with flaming breath, tail lashing and constriction. The expected lifespan of this kind of dragon is 250 years.


Now I will focus upon our fire-breathing dragon-avatared sifter Zifnab. Apparently he’s only given us part of his sordid story. Several of his disgruntled royal servants have come forth since a “flame ‘n’ tell” book project has promised large sums of money. The book is due out this fall.

Zifnab’s personal chef has shed some light on Zifnab’s fixation with pepper. Unfortunately for the chef, all dishes become blackened at the royal dinner table. This most probably explains Zifnab’s reluctance to consume his ice cream turned soup. Sometimes the chef will cater to Zifnab’s love of strawberries by making Strawberries Flambé.

His personal valet has yet to grow back his eyebrows. According to the valet, Zifnab’s current baldness is the result of a recent hay fever attack. The royal tailor has given up on creating colorful royal vestments. Instead he simply sticks to black materials so that scorched spots are not as noticeable.

One anonymous source did send me a YouTube video to explain the pelt known as Fred. This individual told me that I would understand Fred’s fate better once I had watched it.

The fire department no longer responds to emergency calls from Zifnab’s castle.

Thus I will conclude here. I wouldn’t want this to just DRAG ON . . .