Edit: Apologies, I just noticed you changed yours to private, so I will do the same now.
Edit 2: No fuck it, it's public. Say thanks to this moron: http://rasch187.videosift.com/#comment-897638

Hi again Rae,

First off, I'm sorry about the mile long wall of text. I do hope you will read all of it none-the-less.

I'm glad you came out yourself to address this, because it's better we get this over with properly, so we can move on with our lives.

I'll stress as well, that UP and Rasch got in to their fight on their own, I had no involvement until UP sent me a message about it.

I was under a completely different impression about being invited to bea's place and honestly I still am. I didn't try to force myself over there, but when she invited me, however casually, we discussed quite a bit on messenger afterwards. I wouldn't have gone over there if I had been given the slightest impression that she was not comfortable with it. I'm very sorry that she did feel pressured into it, but I never intended to do that. I just saw a trip to Texas as a golden opportunity to get OUT, get away from Denmark for a while. As we discussed in our chats, I had been feeling restless and bogged down in everyday life for a pretty long and her invitation was like a blessing to me (for lack of a better word). I may have been eager about it, but I don't know what to say - I just wanted to get out. I didn't buy the tickets overnight - we did discuss it, and we chatted quite a lot before I did come over there, and she never gave any indication that she didn't want me to come over.

In the very first chat we had on messenger, I very clearly remember it, you said.. "I could seriously fall for you" and followed it up by "but I'm actually already taken (...)" and we got into a discussion about jake and all that. I accepted it already then. We both carried on afterwards with talking dirty and watching all that weird porn (you were quite as much to blame for that!) and I had loads of fun, because you were much different from anyone I knew. You made me smile when we talked.

I'm sorry I didn't let the coming to meet you lie, but I was not being so frantically serious about it. I really wanted to meet you, yes, and to be honest I still would, in a crowded room, with many sifters. At a siftup, perhaps. (Incidentally, I have nothing against Jake. I think he's a good guy and you two ARE lucky to have found each other.)

I never meant to imply that he and you were not serious. You made it abundantly clear that you were very serious, I was just being a smart-ass, because if I had been in his shoes that's what I would have wanted to do. I never meant to imply anything about you and Jake with that, so I'm sorry you saw it as such. I really am.

About skype and messenger for that matter, I only asked for your skype address once and it was partly meant as a joke; and with your reply "no way, that's just for me and jake" I let that lie. The other part of that was that I wanted to just talk with you, to hear your voice, and it had been a long time since we chatted, so I wrote that message - as you said, so shoot me...

I know you hate hurting people and I appreciate that, but in the end this has hurt a lot more. If you had told me something to the effect "I think this coming over to meet me is making me uncomfortable, because you're too persistent - I like you as a friend, but I don't want to meet with you, at least not on my own or right now" I would have apologized right there and I would have learned to ease up with you. Instead I kept teasing you with it, and as I've said before, to jake and you, I believe, my common sense was just out of wack because of all the shit we talked about. I never saw it coming that you just did not want to talk to me, and when you wrote your "tired of the bullshit" I had no idea what you were getting on about, so it hurt.. to be honest, it really hurt. I was messed up all day from that and that's why I was so after getting a bigger reply after that. I felt as if I had been hit by a bus, because I truly considered you a friend.

About the trip to Texas. I did not get the impression that it was a disaster at all. She was a bit pissed with me for the boob grabbing, but it was only two days after she booted me because she had to tend to her father's funeral. In that two day span, everything was just dandy, I mean, she never gave any indication that it was so disastrous. Yes, the boobgrabbing was way over the line, we've been over that a million times and I've apologized as much as I can about it. The environment that they created was a factor in me doing it, it was not just "because I was drunk" - I wasn't THAT drunk, and I don't get grabby in general. When I am in good company, with people I consider friends, I can be quite dirty talking, sure, but I'm not a sexually offensive guy physically at all, I just followed their lead when they freaking made out on the porch I though, "well three can play that game" and did it. I know that was wrong, but that's the reason I did it. I didn't want to freak them out as bad as they clearly did, and they didn't do anything at the time, they just basically shrugged it off.

As we have discussed earlier, I portray myself here as pretty much myself - not completely, I take it to much larger extremes here, but mostly I'm just being myself.

Also I know that we have discussed your inability to find a woman. You yourself put it down to the fact that you had to get drunk to converse with them, and once that had happened you tended to become lewd and inappropriate, the drink was doing the talking

I think you are getting at this from a wrong angle. They are two different issues. One is that I don't have the nerve to approach strange girls, or really strangers altogether, but I loosen up when I get a beer in me. Most guys can relate to that, girls too, I would think. Second, I'm not lewd and inappropriate around people I don't know, even when I'm drunk, I only get like that around people that I like - as in if we're a bunch from my year on the university out getting smashed or something. The reason I got like that at bea's place the one night, was because I was having a good time and the three of them were good company. Yeah, I did swear to the three adults, but I never did so to any of her kids - I don't want to freak out kids, I don't really even like kids, but I think I behaved pretty well around her children in general, except for when we had that game of scrabble and I swore to iv or bea in casual conversation, when the little one had just snuck out from the bedroom. I was doing this partly to be intentionally teasing, because we had just had a discussion earlier about what one should and shouldn't say to kids. Bea had sworn as well earlier in casual conversation, so I did not take that as so terrible. Evidently, I was mistaken.

I never EVER said anything sexual to any of her kids. I'm appalled that she thinks that, because I don't do that.

The remark after the siftup was not aimed at you at all and I was perplexed that you saw it as such, because we didn't have any secrets at all. As we chatted on messenger about, I never intended it for you it was just a general remark to sifters.

Concerning rasch. I made it clear in private to you that I didn't like him. He was an obnoxious person and he should go suck a fuck. I still hold that opinion. If our roles had been reversed, I would have told YOU to take care of the situation, instead of interjecting myself as a fucking savior to get you poor women the rescue you so needed. That's because I'm a nice person, who don't put my own ego in front of everyone else's. The chat that he quoted between you and him seems to me to be pretty damn two-faced from you as well. You present yourself one way to me and another to him. That's not nice,, at all. I know exactly what he did and so does everyone else - it's plainly public. He acted like an aggressive brute trying to verbally punch me out in his comments. He attacked me way earlier than that as well, the comment you laughed about a while back, even though he did apologize for that afterwards. He deserves the tiny little corner of shame that he painted himself into.

The accusations made against me are many and plentiful (well, three in total counting boobgrabbing, gutter mouthing and your own), but I think it's a shame that yours and bea's have been muddled together, because they are really two separate issues.

I'm quite angry with bea still, because it's because of her that this has blown up and blown so out of proportion as it has. This was not my doing - any of you could have approached me privately and that could have been that - if you had explained what I had done wrong. All of you, except Cari, just ignored me and left me in the complete dark. Cari kept me on facebook and was in general like she always was, but said she didn't want to get involved when I asked what was up with bea, because she had removed me from facebook. I respected that and I still do - she acted the most like an adult. I think you are out of line to suggest why she apologized, but while you may or may not be right, she apologized none-the-less. And we are still friendly around each other, even though she is the one that was slighted the most. I'm not going to visit her in person, probably ever, but that doesn't mean that we can't be civil. I still think she's fun and a boon.

It's likely that she didn't actually forgive you at all and that she is too nice of a person to really come out and say what she thinks. I can relate.

You are being awfully passive-aggressive here and presumptuous. I would welcome her saying all she wanted to me in private if she wanted, but she already has - and we've patched things up as far as we could at this time. We're in a good place now both of us as far as I know.

Bea got blamed for everything justly in my opinion - I got my share of grizzly attacks too, which I feel terrible about, but I owned up to my fucking mistakes - she just shits on the floor and slams the door behind her. She has as much blame in this situation as I do and if she wants to flame out, as she did, then I have no interest in patching anything up with her. She was fun to talk to, if a big damn bit more crazy than you, for instance, but fun non-the-less. Not so much anymore. I acted pretty well over there and if she had issues with me, she could have just told me. We sat on her porch and talked while she smoked plenty of times and no indication at all. Her family and friends were never there except Cari and their friend Rick on that Tuesday with the boobgrabbing (and of course the kids, who I was very nice to).

Have I lied to you before? Honestly, ever? I've only ever been painfully truthful and if I wanted to just talk shit, wouldn't I have painted a much more rose-tinted version? I'm sorry you are taking her version, because it is far more skewed than mine is - and dammit, I ought to have deserved some trust with you.. we were friends!

I've reflected on this long and hard, I truly have, and I think I have learned from it as well. I've toned down my lewdness and I find myself holding my tongue more often than before. But not much else is to change, unless I want to be a completely different person, and all my friends seem to like me as I am just fine, so I don't want to change into something I'm not.

I've also learned that there are people in this world, who will fuck you over. I am not one of those people and I don't think you are either. We all make mistakes and misjudgments and I think you are misjudging me. I still would like to be your "friend" in some capacity, but you make it pretty clear you don't want that. I'm sorry you don't. I will consider myself as on friendly terms with you and if you do come back to the sift some time, then I will treat you respectfully and I hope you will do the same thing with me.

I still feel terrible about how all this happened and about how our friendship fell apart. :-/

Nicki.

PS. Incidentally, I have found a woman, who I am very glad for and who for some bizarre reason likes me a whole lot too, so I HAVE grown a bit at least.

In reply to this comment by alien_concept:
OK, first of all I want you to know, I happened upon this whole conversation between UP, rasch and yourself as I still visit now and again. Don't for one moment think that he's come crying to me.

If rasch was referring to anything creepy, then it wouldn't have been logs of conversations we've had, it would have been PM's. And also pointing out certain things you had written in threads, baiting me etc. Most of it was not private.

I wish I'd have come straight to you once everything had come out regarding bea, but honestly at that point I had already had enough of our relationship on here and had been avoiding talking to you for ages. Yes I'm a coward for not just straight up telling you things were bothering me. And yes, everything here could have been dealt with differently. The main reason for me not coming straight out and ever saying anything, was because I really felt that the way I carried on with you, that I had encouraged you. I am very open and broad minded. We have discussed numerous topics and I always came across like I was comfortable in anything we discussed. And for a long while I was.

Quite early on it became apparent that you had feelings for me. At this point I told you about myself and Jake, because I didn't want you to think that any relationship between us was possible. You will notice that Jake not once ever had a problem with the way we behaved around here or in fact on messenger. He just saw it all as a bit of fun and nothing to get possessive about. It was nothing to do with him, right? Because we were just friends, fooling around and being risque for a laugh.

The things that started bothering me were that you wouldn't let the coming here to see me lie. I'd give you a thousand excuses as to why it couldn't happen, at least not any time soon. But it was so regular, and the comments you made about how if you were Jake you'd have been here with me already (implying that he wasn't serious about me? that's kind of how it felt) and always with the questioning. Why did you have to wait til after he had been here, where do you live, what's your skype address (even though I told you that skype was only something I used for me and him). And telling me you'd found out how much it cost to get here etc etc. It built up and built up, and I didn't know how to tell you to back off without hurting your feelings entirely. I HATE hurting anyone, and like I said, I blamed myself for having not said anything before and letting it get to the point it was at, and potentially giving you mixed signals, by first telling you I was unavailable and then carrying on flirting with you (out in the open)and sharing graphic (although always sickly amusing) porn, and discussing other such personal subjects. I hadn't been careful, so instead of fronting it out with you, I ignored you. So shoot me...

When bea messaged me after you had left Texas, she did it not to gossip, but because your visit there had been a fucking disaster, she felt that you didn't understand any boundaries, you made her feel uncomfortable with the things you were coming out with and you had told her that you intended to come and see me. She felt like she had to warn me about how you had presented yourself there. The thing was, so many things rang true on what she was saying. That she hadn't outright invited you - just in the lounge she'd said off the cuff as she does, that yeah you should come to Texas one day, and the next thing she knew you'd booked tickets and she didn't have a clue how to say no. Well, you were relentless with me about coming here...

That you had made inappropriate sexual comments in front of her children. Well I remember one time you making one about my daughter too, something about when she came of age, blech. I took it as a joke, at the time although it didn't sit comfortably with me. Also I know that we have discussed your inability to find a woman. You yourself put it down to the fact that you had to get drunk to converse with them, and once that had happened you tended to become lewd and inappropriate, the drink was doing the talking. Now considering that you spent time there getting drunk and you definitely thought it was ok to grab IV's breast (btw, justifying that by saying that bea had just done it, what the fuck???) it didn't take much to come to the conclusion what with everything else that you were indeed not in your right mind. Whether you agree or not, that's how it all came about. It felt like the character you "played" on here, wasn't just a character after all. And that was fucking disturbing to me.

I sat on it forever. I wasn't going to bring any of it up because bea did not want the drama, and neither did IV. She also felt partly responsible for giving you the wrong idea about things because of the way she converses with everyone. And she didn't want it all to drag out like it has. But as I told you, after numerous PM's and references in video threads, then the limerick, and THEN what I truly felt to be another jab against me when you mentioned in the sift up thread that anyone who had secrets with you weren't secrets any more, I finally blew my lid. I just didn't want to be here any longer.

If you had have been on the outside of this looking in like rasch has been, I'm pretty sure that you would have, after all the evidence presented to you, felt that it needed to once and for all be addressed. I'm not saying he couldn't have gone about it in a better way, he definitely could. But then, so could we all have done, isn't that right? I'd like you to stop blaming him for everything now, it's somewhat projecting rather than really taking a look at how and why things have happened how they have. He has freely admitted that he should have been more discreet, and now he is just left defending his corner without really being able to say anything at all. Enough is enough.

I hope this explains what you have wanted to know. Whether you agree with the accusations made against you, they have been made. Not just by one person, but two and that's not including her family and friends who were around too I'm sure. IV apologised with you to keep the peace and not let it all get blown up publically like it has and to stop bea being blamed for everything like she was after she flamed out. It's likely that she didn't actually forgive you at all and that she is too nice of a person to really come out and say what she thinks. I can relate. I hope you reflect on all of this and you consider how things can end up, as have I on numerous occasions. And yes, it's your word against hers. Either of you could be talking shit. But I'm taking her version, as have people chosen to take yours.

Rae

I want to make a closing statement for you people watching this as well. I don't know what made this be blown so out of proportion, I've not tried to intentionally hurt anyone on this site. I love this site, and I love it because of the people in it.

Anyone who's been here long knows that my comments have always been full of innuendo, and I've always tried to make this place either fun, thought provoking, or both. If I have caused any of you any particular distress, I'm sorry about it. I never wanted to alienate people on this site.

I worry that people are painting a bleak picture of me based on hearsay, which I can only guess, originated on my Texas trip. So I will point out some facts about that trip:

1) I was invited by bea. We had a discussion about it in the lounge and possible on messenger, where I mentioned that I always wanted to see Texas, because I had some friends who had lived over there, and she responded by actually inviting me over. My family advised me not to do such a rash trip, but I thought hells bells, it could be a riot of a trip and bea seemed like a super nice person when we had talked.

2) We had a good time in Texas, from my point of view. Apart from the ivy-incident, which apparently was a way bigger deal than she let on, there was nothing inappropriate about the trip or the stay. I did what I always do and swore like a dock worker, but in general I didn't do it directly in front her kids apart from the tuesday when we were all playing scrabble. I do realize that it's not nice to swear in front of kids, so I'm sorry about that for bea's and the kids sake.

3) The reason I went home in a hurry was not at all because of something I did, it was an outside thing that I don't think is my place to tell you all publicly. If pressured I will eventually, but I would rather that bea did that herself if it comes to it. It's not really fair to put her in this situation, but then it's not fair to put me in this whole thing either.

I still like almost all of you people, and in the words of Nixon, "I'm not a crook". I have no interest in being thought of as a creep or a stalker or anything like that, so I will lay bare any private profile messages. At least I know dag might be pouring over them, and I encourage it. I've been painted in a very bad light here, and to be honest it hurts. You people ought to be ashamed. Where's your sense of decency? At long last, have you no decency?

My god. You know, I am a human being, I would rather you had just said that to me in person when I was there. I DO care and I will try to address anything you and the rest of you say here.

I've only ever been honest with you, ivy, ac and everyone else here. You may think that I'm a "brick", but you would be sorely mistaken.

I was only ever "creepy" with you, when you were the same or even worse back at me - god knows that sexual talk is basically what you do in the lounge. Many other people can attest to that. If I really and truly did freak you out on my visit, then I really am sorry. I never intended anything like that.

Delusions is really not true. I'm fairly sure of my flaws, I know I'm too outspoken and needy, which is the only reason I've been trying to get rae and yourself for that matter to give me a proper explanation as to why I was being ignored out of the blue.

Bea, I was only ever nice to you and your children as well. I did say a swear or two during our scrabble game, while your little kid was in the room, and I'm sorry for that. I didn't mean to alienate you or them. I am neither a narcissist nor a nihilist - many things do in fact matter to me, but I want people to like me as who I am, not as a rosy-red picture I draw for them. It seems obvious that you don't, and I wish you would have just told me that nicely. The fact that you would not say a thing until something about it until this, says something about you too, I think. But, I'm sorry for any distress I've caused you.

>> ^peggedbea:
why would anyone bother to tell a narcissistic nihilist like yourself ever? what would be the point? like trying trying to tell a brick that its a fucking brick. it wouldnt hear you, and it doesnt care.
youve said it yourself, on my front porch and several places on the sift im sure, that you dont fucking care. you see no reason to curb your behavior or watch your mouth because thats "censorship". well sir, there is a reason human beings take care not to alienate eachother, because we are herd creatures. our health depends upon the health of the herd. and furthermore, the word for people who throw whatever kind of disgusting bullshit they feel like around with no regard for how it might make anyone feel, and indeed no insight into how others feel, is sociopath.
the measure of a man is how honestly he loves and how careful he treats people. you sir are no man. you are a baiting groping creepy disgusting creep. and you need to take a long hard look at your interactions with rae and see where what youve said in private and what immature bullshit youve posted publicly that could have made her feel like she couldnt even stand being on the same URL as you. and if you can do that, maybe MAYBE theres some hope for you.
you are what happens when spoiled ugly children are left to their own devices with noone to challenge them. they are left with computer games and pop culture and pornography as their only insights into women and the world at large. and they end up isolated clueless 26 year old virgins with a fucking website as their lone social outlet and the only place to throw their inflated self deluded egos around. you are indeed suffering from serious delusions. and i pity you. i pity you sooooo much.
and theres my flame out. /bye

Don't let the bed bugs bite, honey-bunches... unless, of course, you voluntarily choose to have bugs bite you, then I would not object.

In reply to this comment by dystopianfuturetoday:
So I guess our Scrabble date is off?

Anyway, I've only got a 2-3 minute attention span at the moment and need some sleep. I'll check out that dirty red communist tomorrow.

Sweet dreams, snuggums.

In reply to this comment by blankfist:
Um, no. You said it, and I was just playing along. We're typing back and forth on the internet, so it takes longer to change an argument's parameters than it does to just modify an answer to fit that argument's parameters. Plus, I don't care for your silly word games.

By the way, what did you think of my latest video I sent you? Isn't Noam Chomsky groovy?

In reply to this comment by dystopianfuturetoday:
Did you not just say you take things more personally?

In reply to this comment by blankfist:
Um. Huh? Where did that come from?

In reply to this comment by dystopianfuturetoday:
If you can't take as well as you give, you shouldn't argue, homie.

So I guess our Scrabble date is off?

Anyway, I've only got a 2-3 minute attention span at the moment and need some sleep. I'll check out that dirty red communist tomorrow.

Sweet dreams, snuggums.

In reply to this comment by blankfist:
Um, no. You said it, and I was just playing along. We're typing back and forth on the internet, so it takes longer to change an argument's parameters than it does to just modify an answer to fit that argument's parameters. Plus, I don't care for your silly word games.

By the way, what did you think of my latest video I sent you? Isn't Noam Chomsky groovy?

In reply to this comment by dystopianfuturetoday:
Did you not just say you take things more personally?

In reply to this comment by blankfist:
Um. Huh? Where did that come from?

In reply to this comment by dystopianfuturetoday:
If you can't take as well as you give, you shouldn't argue, homie.

The difference between ISC and other online scrabbles such as facebook seems to be the honor codes involved. It's in my experience that people on ISC who "sign" what could be called it's "honor code" don't cheat... or if they do, they suck at it. Someone who cheats regularly is gonna look like a master up in the 1000 rating area. I'm not that high, so anyone who cheats against me and against most people must really suck at it. You'd be surprised how many people take their [even virtual] signature on an honor agreement seriously. To cheat it is to admit that you really suck... that and in this case, there is no reward for winning. No fame, no nothing. I chose ISC because it was the first I found, and in hind sight, after two years... it was the right choice. I've been suspicious about some people, but then, with the words I use now and again, I might be suspicious of me. Yesterday I used "kex," "stodge," "Qi," "pe," and "lex" without cheating and since I generally am not that good, I give people the benefit of the doubt... and anyway, the computer you may be playing against will give you new words you never would have learned... see kex.

In response to Farhad:
Don't be too quick to judge what is an f-ed up word that must have come from a world list or world builder. I know a ton of words now that I don't even know the meaning to because of this game... I did look up many of them, but wouldn't be caught dead using them in a conversation... if dead men could talk that is.

I don't like online scrabble because anyone with enough Google-fu can search for "X words ending in YZ" in about four seconds. Then the game becomes about your persistence in doing that more than any inherent word knowledge.

Mhm, Lexulous rocks. I mean, as much as Scrabble can "rock".

I started playing Scrabble when young, my parents used it to teach us English words. I play the Facebook version of Scrabble called Lexulous all the time with peggedbea, my brother and cousins.

Whats cool about the Facebook version is that you can make moves whenever you like.

There are other open games with people from all around Facebook but its very common to find people using some really fucked up words, and it feels like they are using word builders.

Oh, Winstonfield. Always the myopia with you, always the myopia.

I don't understand how you can think that excluding gay people from being able to marry is not hate-based, I can't see. Please, try and explain that one. I think we can pretty much be certain that people lobbying for the rights of women to vote were good, and those lobbying against them were bad. The same with rights for black people. And now it's the same with rights for gay people. How can you even think that it is fair and inclusive to not allow gay people to marry? It is not. If someone spouts women-hate or racist bullshit they deserve to be kicked out of whatever organizations they are creating their problem in, just like the law allows. The same is true for gay-haters (ghaters? (; ) it's just that it is not yet officially recognized that anti-gay marriage is also a form of hate.

It is just another step in the correct path of tolerance and compassion for all people regardless of their creed. We are all human first. I'm sorry, Winstonfield, that you believe some people deserve your intolerance because you've somehow come to the conclusion they are not worthy. I'm sorry, Winstonfield, you are arguing for the side that has always lost as civilization advances forward. You can continue scrabbling with your laughable 'neo-lib' stance, but you must realize that 90% of the people who see such phrases immediately laugh at them.

Most of all, Winstonfield, I'm compassionaly sorry for you.

Scrabble night or christmas with the family.

Its always good to be prepared! this could come in handy next time scrabble night comes around.

What magical glasses the Olybloon must have to read so much into nothing. It's been fun watching this guy scrabble for attention now that Bush is gone.

I think it mainly appeals to those people who see friendship as a quantity rather than quality thing. I agree with Bea, if I wanted to have stayed in touch with people, I would have done. There is no-one who isn't in my life that I miss, and i'm actually very happy about the fact that I have no such thing as acquaintances in my life, they're all just solid friends, I don't need any extras thanks.

I had Facebook just so I could play Scrabble and beat everyone, but I don't bother now. It is evil

If by vacation you mean school + work kicking my arse, then thanks!

I lost Scrabble tiles in several moves and used the remainder to make various craft-related disasters. Then we went hardcore and bought the Scrabble board on the lazy susan.

In reply to this comment by NicoleBee:
No worry! I hope you had a good, uhm, vacation from the site.

I need to get another Scrabble board.

In reply to this comment by blahpook:
Thanks!

(If you can't tell I've been away for a little while. LOL. It normally doesn't take me weeks to respond to people...)