Don't ban this member! It's my grandma-ma. She doesn't know what she's saying! She thinks she's still 29 and all she ever does is copy-paste ads from her internet shopping sprees. She can't help it. She lives in some twisted, anachronistic past akin to Norma Desmond.

I ask, "Grandma-ma, why do you keep buying all this replica Tiffanys crap?" And she replies, "Dahling, it's to impress the suitors." But, grandma-ma," I says, "There are no more suitors."

To which she starts babbling about her fair Ulysses being gone so long that she became a dried up, crustacean of a woman -- her only lucid moment, despite it being entrenched in epic poetic nonsense. Honestly, though, I wish I could remember half the things she utters. It's quite mad, really -- and by mad, I mean, maddeningly hilarious -- in an endearing sort of way.

I wish you all knew how unrepresentative of herself her past 3 comments have been. Really, I just adore the woman. I adore her so much, sometimes I wear a wig fashioned after her own liceless head of hair. And I like to carry around a knife when I do this -- because when I was young, she loved cooking. I'd help her chop up onions and celery to serve the guests at the motel she runs -- sorry, ran. Since descending into her strange state, she hasn't had time to run things, so I do all that now. I'm what you call a real handy man -- fixing the televisions, talking to our vulnerable, feminine guests, and cleaning the pools...

oh yes, always, always cleaning the pools.