j, if you insist on writing out absurdist scenarios with constantly changing parameters, then why not just write whatever ending you like.

Here is one you might like:

FBI Superagents: The Next Generation (Chicago)
Episode 17 - "The papercut is mightier than the pen"

Interior, Interrogation room. A bound prisoner sits in a chair with a light illuminating his face. Stout African American FBI chief Bernard B. Bythebooke sits, clearly frustrated, just a few feet away from the prisoner.

"The kid will die along with half of Chicago, and there is nothing you can do about it, FBI director Bythebooke" says the terrorist in a deep scary voice.

SLAM goes the door as devilishly handsome, rogue agent Dash Zeusman enters the room and says, "Not if I can help it terrorist scum"

Dash reaches for the pen in his notepad and thrusts it towards the terrorists head, only to be knocked away by Bythebooke, who says "As a working FBI agent, you are not permitted to use torture". Without missing a beat, Zeusman winks and says, "Then I resign" and jabs his pen into the terrorists ear canal.

The terrorist winces as blood shoots out his ear and says, "I have been trained for this very moment. I can withstand any torture you can dish out"

"O RLY?" says Zuesman, contorting his face to look like an owl.

Zuesman reaches for his note pad and brandishes it at the terrorist who laughs and says, "What are you going to do? Write me a nasty letter?"

Zeusman then begins to furiously cover the terrorists face with papercuts and says, "Bring me the salt!"

"Nooooo.... anything but that, I'll talk, I"LL TALK!", says the terrorist.

Jump cut to an abandoned saw mill. A young boy sits strapped to a huge nuclear bomb, festooned with brightly colored wires and a huge countdown clock. 20 terrorist ninjas with swords and machine guns surround the boy.

As the clock reaches 01.00.0000000....Zeusman busts through a wall and dispatches all of the ninjas with rusty saw blades and other improvised weapons. He diffuses the bomb at 00.00.00000000001.

The boys eyes light up and he says, "Agent Zeusman, you're the bomb"

They both break into laughter. Freeze frame. Roll credits.

THE END.

I guess the experts were wrong and you were right after all, jeremy. Either that or you watch too many movies.