First blog post.

What do I do here? Talk about random stuff?

All this charter privileges are daunting... 

 

A little about my Life.

 

I was planning to go back to school in spring, but I made a mistake in registration (I applied for financial aid (TAP award) for spring 2009 while filing for fall 2009 sememster when applying for school.

 

Ugh... such simple stuff gone wrong.. For some reason I was expecting these guys to call me or send me a letter warning me about the problems. I assumed the goverment wouldn't make such a silly mistake of granting someone money even though the person had nowhere to spend it.

 

That's when I realized: You really are responsible only for yourself, and nobody is really paying any attention to you unless you made them. It really is a big country, America is. You're just a statistic, and they are too busy taking care of bigger stuff than to worry about granting free money to some random student.

 

Or maybe that they don't have enough resources to keep track with all the transactions that has been completed. Too much manpower, too much resources & time I suppose.

 

Such a different attitude compared to what my life was like back in small country of mine, Korea. Everyone had a say about anyone's business in Korea, be it family members, friends, telephone companies, co-workers, etc etc. You're always worried about what others had to say about you, because everyone is curious, everyone wants to know, everyone keeps track of what others are doing, which can get a bit too much.

 

I was 13 when I first came to America, and they would always ask me which country I liked better. Of course, being young and in a new environement the answer would always be United States of America.

 

But after putting on a few years onto my life I began to see why people miss their own country. Little things that you couldn't see back when you were actually living in Korea. While everything about America seemed grand, large, free, stylish and prosperous.

 

And these were true, to an extent. Yet it also lacked many things that I was used to in Korea. The close personal friendships, level of courtesy and trust among individuals, even if they are complete strangers.

 

Not so much in America. You do get the sense that you are free, and everything is upto you and to your control, and YOU ONLY. When coming from a culture that's tightly bound, you'll easily get lost in all this freedom and quickly start to feel abandoned in a vast, vacant island

 

That's when family comes to play an important part, as well as your friends. Families and relatives who migrated earlier and have settled down, friends who come from similar cultures studying abroad in America. They play an important factor, if not most critical.

 

I admit I alienated myself from the Korean community when I was young. I purposely spoke English, purposely hung out with the white kids in school, trying to Americanize as fast as possible. I dispised kids who hung out with their own ethnic group, 'why would you come all the way here just to hang out with the same type of people?' I thought then.

 

It did help me lose my accent faster, it did make me seem more American. Many have thought I was born here, as I adopted to my new culture.

 

But it was forced adaptation, I forced onto myself these 'foreing' ideals and mannerisms. And while doing so, I did feel the 'great cultural barrier' everyone talked of. I did not understand the behaviors or the thought process of American kids.

I didn't think of it as much back then. But they are still there. 13 years I've lived in America, hanging out with white kids, and I still feel the difference, and it still feels 'foreign'. I may have lost the accent, I may behave American, but inside I still long for things Korean.

 

In light of my recent discoveries, I have discovered another thing about myself.

 

Sometimes I feel I've wasted my life looking around, experimenting with myself (trying to be white, etc). It makes me sad, angry, and impatient. Moving out and living on my own, going back to school with completely new major, working 5 days a week with low pay, dealing with people (some nasty, some nice). It's never the same thing, I tell you that much.

 

I'm living in the same state, living with same income as before, but living on your own changes your perspective drastically. Things are still the same, except my personal situation has changed, and everything looks vastly different.  I must say, I like the changes so far. Gives me better perspective of my own, as well as control.

 

Things are looking good at the worst of times. At least I do enjoy my life, though a bit dull, is stable (stories, long stories). And I aim to keep it that way.

 

Wow, things got carried away. Looking for random things to say on my first blog evvarrr!!

Holla!