Yog-Sothoth Freed from Pentagon

Women, minorities hardest hit

Washington, DC - Early this morning, in a dramatic reversal of the Global War on Terror, Yog-Sothoth broke free of its mystical prison at the Pentagon and began a rampage through the northern suburbs of Washington DC.

The Great Old One was freed by persons unknown at 12:01 AM on Saturday morning. Sources at the Federal Bureau of Investigation report that the rescuers were likely members of a 'radical group', but that further conclusions would have to wait until 'we know which bit of who goes where' and 'when we're done breaking out the mecha suits'. Follow-up calls were not returned.

After being freed, Yog-Sothoth immediately levitated to a commanding height above the Washington skyline and vaporized both the Woodrow Wilson Bridge and the Capitol Building. Sources within Congress could not confirm whether either activity was either part of an organized political agenda or an attempt to gather local support among the populace. Follow-up calls were not returned.

Yog-Sothoth, the so-called "Devourer of Worlds" and the "All-in-One", has been incarcinated by the federal government since the end of World War II. Its iridescent, globular presence at the Pentagon has been a matter of some controversy among Constitutional scholars, given that no charges have ever been formally made against the Great Old One. Critics of the administration contend that as Yog-Sothoth's presence on the Atlantic coast predates 1776, it is a de facto American citizen and thus subject to Constitutional protections. Sources friendly to the administration have declined to comment on the matter, claiming that all material regarding Yog-Sothoth remains classified.

Other sources close to the Administration indicate that the Yog-Sothoth 'issue' is complicated by political realities. "Look, you idiot," reported one source, "in case you haven't noticed we're dealing with the end of the [expletive deleted] world here. We're trying to figure out a way to drop a [expletive deleted] MOAB on the [expletive deleted] without blowing up too much American real estate, and if you [expletive deleted] don't stop calling us we're just going to say to Hell with it and take out Delaware. I mean, what the Hell's in Delaware?"

Idaho White, publisher of the popular online weblog Immanentizing, contends that this demonstrates the flawed priorities of the administration. "It's no accident that all the states involved voted for Senator Kerry in the last election. The Bush regime doesn't want them, doesn't need them and wouldn't care less if they all turn into goo." Dr. White went on to discount the idea that Yog-Sothoth was released deliberately: "this administration wouldn't have the brains to know how to deactivate a seven-dimensional Ibn Ghazi containment septagram without smearing themselves all over the walls."

The Great Old One is now traveling via land on a course roughly north by north-east. All attempts to communicate or negotiate with the entity have as of yet failed, but local activist groups remain confident that their efforts will ultimately work. "We just need to get it to listen," insisted Patty "Mother" Jones, executive director of IndyMedia Baltimore, a local activist group setting up a roadblock just outside of Baltimore. "We can get it to talk to us, we can find some common dream and find the answer to our dilemma and stop the Eschaton. And then we can move on, and find the smoking gun that will blow the lid off this corrupt, smirking-chimp administration once and for all. It's our cause." Yog-Sothoth consumed Jones and her group shortly thereafter.

Initial reports indicate that the Great Old One is attracted to acts of evil, depravity and campaign finance reform bills. The federal government has thus instructed the populace to avoid Senator John McCain at all costs, a move that infuriates Robert Smith, president of the newly-formed conservative group Chew on This. "It's typical of the government to ban a new and exciting use for the First Amendment simply because they're afraid of the implications. While it may seem outrageous to feed sitting government officials to the Great Old Ones, the fact is that it's a perfectly acceptable extension of the Supreme Court's recent rulings. We're calling for a bipartisan initiative to enshrine our Constitutional right to sacrifice misbehaving legislators to Cthulhu, and I think that we'll get it."

Calls to various activist groups not yet masticated by Yog-Sothoth did not get a response, as all groups contacted were busy attempting to revise their current dogma to make the original capture and imprisonment the responsibility of President George Bush. President Bush was elected in 2000 amid great controversy over voting irregularities.

In New York, Senator Hillary Clinton urged calm. "While it is unfortunate that one of our country's greatest enemies has managed to escape, somehow, I am certain that even as we speak our brave troops will defeat the monster. We will prevail."

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By Moe Lane Posted in Miscellanea