The Onion

OPINION
This New Toilet Paper Is So Soft And Absorbent!

By Ted Roman
Amazed Customer
May 3, 2000 | Issue 36•16

You probably won't believe me when I tell you that new Cushy™-brand bathroom tissue is the softest, most absorbent bathroom tissue you'll ever try. Heck, I was skeptical at first, too! Even after learning about Cushy's™ specially quilted "Moistu-Weave" inlay, I still thought, "Come on! How much better could one bathroom tissue be than another?" But once you've felt for yourself the heavenly sensation of a folded-up wad of Cushy™ sliding across your excrement-smeared anus, you're sure to agree: Cushy™ is the most luxurious tissue you'll ever wipe your ass with!

Wow! When it comes to getting your rectal opening clean as a whistle, removing every last trace of stinking, disgusting fecal matter from the puckered surface of the human anus, Cushy™ just can't be beat! Its patented, three-ply "Feces-Grabbing Action" has been specially designed by scientists to wipe away 30 percent more human dung from the anal region than the leading brand–even in those problem "hairy" areas where tiny balls of shit can get trapped for days! When it comes to making sure my asshole's been wiped right, I trust Cushy™. As the commercial says, "With Cushy™, I Know My Ass Is Clean!®"

And Cushy™ is more than just the most absorbent product ever designed, manufactured, and marketed for the purpose of wiping human waste from the rectal region; it's also the softest. I can't believe how good it feels pressed up against my asshole! Sure, I thought the leading brand was good, but after trying Cushy™, I could scarcely believe the difference! Compared to the sumptuous comfort of Cushy™, the leading brand feels like a portable electric belt-sander grinding my ass down to a chafed and bloody pulp! Wiping with Cushy™, on the other hand, feels as if the defecation residue between my legs is being spirited away on the back of a pillowy-soft cartoon cloud! It's enough to make a person open up a window and shout to the world, "Shit, I Love This Ass-Paper!®"

Cushy™ goes the extra mile to make sure my anus feels pampered like a dainty princess. That's because Cushy™'s not just about getting your ass free of shit particles. It's about treating your entire backside to a feeling of cushiony goodness. It's what the good folks at Global Tetrahedron Forestries, manufacturers of Cushy™, like to call "T.A.C."–Total Asshole Comfort.™ Doesn't your asshole deserve a little T.A.C.?

Your anal region, from your ass cheeks to your dilated sphincter to the interior of your anal column itself, works hard for you each day. Isn't it time you gave a little something back? With Cushy™, my asshole feels as if it's being gently wafted skyward on a freshly scented summer breeze! Try getting that level of comfort from those bargain brands!

Do the other brands offer patented three-ply quilted comfort? Are they lightly perfumed and softened with soothing aloe-based moisturizing lotions? Do they offer Cushy™'s exclusive "Complete Asshole Guarantee®"? Of course not. Whether you've got a thin, runny liquid, a huge, bulky chunk, or even one of those hard-to-wipe, viscous-sludge-type defecations, Cushy™ not only has the absorbency needed to wipe your ass completely free of sticky, after-shit smears and stains; it's gentle enough to make your puckered butthole feel like the King of Siam, reclining on a mound of the finest silk pillows in all of Asia.

Sure, Cushy™ costs a bit more than less ass-pampering brands, but my ass is worth it! Cushy™ is so soft, sometimes I want to take a shit even when I don't have to! Once you've seen for yourself how wonderful, how majestic, how truly awe-inspiring this new bathroom tissue is, you'll know why people say, "Cushy™... You're Gonna Shit Your Pants!©"

I'm not trying to "self-destruct." I haven't discarded anyone's videos or made whiney SiftTalks.

I wasn't even trying to make thepinky shit a matter of public discourse. That was burdturgler. As for the argument of profile's being public, how many were aware of the spat until burdturgler aired it, honestly.

We can all wish for peace, but that is an alien and impossible concept. If you don't think that's true, look around you.

I don't pander to anyone's idea of the image I should portray. I just am.

In reply to this comment by oxdottir:
I haven't been around during the time you've been here. I wasn't here when the drama between you and pinky started. I'm way behind and out of touch, and honestly, not all that interested in catching up--I can't follow feuds without getting bored (honestly, even when I am one of the participants I have trouble keeping interest long enough to track).

...but... I just spent some time reading your blog, and I like your style. I might not approve of some of your forms of communication, but you are smart, and interesting, and I hope you stick around and don't self-destruct.

No reason you should care what I think: you probably know even less of me than I know of you.

But it's just a fact: I look forward to reading your words again, though I would certainly prefer that the point-to-point between you and pinky morphed into a dissipating mucous-scented fog.

I haven't been around during the time you've been here. I wasn't here when the drama between you and pinky started. I'm way behind and out of touch, and honestly, not all that interested in catching up--I can't follow feuds without getting bored (honestly, even when I am one of the participants I have trouble keeping interest long enough to track).

...but... I just spent some time reading your blog, and I like your style. I might not approve of some of your forms of communication, but you are smart, and interesting, and I hope you stick around and don't self-destruct.

No reason you should care what I think: you probably know even less of me than I know of you.

But it's just a fact: I look forward to reading your words again, though I would certainly prefer that the point-to-point between you and pinky morphed into a dissipating mucous-scented fog.

Comment hidden because you are ignoring dag. (show it anyway)

hmmmm ... (taps fingers on desk wondering about the scent of this post) a slight whiff of ... subterfuge.

>> ^solvent:
who cares??? about either sides...


Quite a few people I'd imagine. Those wishing to debate equal rights, symantics, definition, homosexuality and religion.

Anyway, I'm not sure if this debate has evolved or if people are just missing the mark. As previously mentioned, he's not trying to reclaim the word or win a competition of 1-upsmanship. He's trying to convey his opinion that the definitions of 'bashing' used within the CADL are inappropriate.

However, you can't really invalidate the use of 'bashing' in cases of verbal attacks (I use 'attack' for reference rather than a descriptor) by giving evidence of physical attacks as a counterpoint. Even if you're trying to prove definition, which I'll get back to later.

>> ^burdturgler:
This is a quite unfair.
It's popular to make fun of Catholics but, believe it or not, not every priest is a child molester and most Christian's are not the psychos people make them out to be. The truth is, good, caring Christians have been tortured, murdered and have literally had their brains bashed in long before any gay person thought they coined the term "bashing". They paid for concepts like "intolerance" while they were being eaten alive by lions at a time when homosexuality was completely accepted.
Don't let one list from one group about events in one nation confuse you into thinking that Christians are not "bashed" all the time, around the globe, every day .. and have been for many hundreds of years.
I'm an advocate for gay rights and that's evidenced by my video submissions and comments on the sift. But that's because I'm an advocate for human rights. Being gay doesn't make your suffering more important than others when you are discriminated against or worse .. bashed. Why would any gay person want to own "bashing"? Shouldn't any of this kind of treatment be abhorrent to everyone?
I feel like this video does a disservice to the gay community. Gay people should not be trying to win a "I've been hurt more than you" contest. All this accomplishes is alienating more people to their cause. Which should be everyone's cause .. the fair treatment of all.


Whilst this comment isn't really relative to mine, I'd like to point out that historical terms of discrimination cannot be used effectivly to reference modern socialogical arguments or positions. Using that logic you could argue to the same degree/direction for black/jewish/muslim/intelligent/aristocracy/chinese whatever. Unless theres a definate example of a similar case in modern society, the point of homosexuality/christians only serves as a point of irony.

Saying that, stating that 'Gay people should not be trying to win a "I've been hurt more than you" contest.' after giving examples of christian hardship also has a scent of irony about it.

>> ^notarobot:
The video's author has instead focused on returning the use of words to their definitions so that their meanings are not diluted into obscurity. What would someone say in a call to 911 when their friend is being a assaulted or having their brains bashed in when the meaning of both words was reduced to mean "insult" or even less? Would police rush to the scene of a reported name calling? Should new words that actually have mean something be invented to replace the words we have once their meaning is reduced to nothing?


That depends on how you define the 'definition'. And if its the definition thats not being observed here or the context.

1. the act of beating, whipping, or thrashing: a series of unsolved bashings and robberies.
2. a decisive defeat: We gave the visiting team a good bashing.
3. (used in combination)
a. unprovoked physical assaults against members of a specified group: gay-bashing.
b. verbal abuse, as of a group or a nation: feminist-bashing; China-bashing.

According to dictionary.com, both versions are covered. Context is a fundamental concept of using language, which this video has neglected to observe.

Essentially, the video proposes an argument, in an unfair manner, disreguarding context of language, and substituting severity of case as a valid counterpoint. To quote Stephen Fry; 'Wrong, wrong, wrongity wrong'.

As for our debate. Either way, I think we're all in agreement that discrimination is wrong, English needs to be used correctly, and that both groups have their points, but neither are really compatable with each other.

Now, time for a cup of tea.

Scent of Another Woman, starring Dick Dousche and Al Pacino.

"Toxoplasmosis - it only reproduces in the feline gut. Cat poop gets eaten by rodents, and the toxo has to find a way of getting its rodent host into a cat’s stomach.

So it seems the rodents seek out cats, rather than running in fear from them. When I first heard that idea, I thought it was unlikely - that the rodents probably are just careless around cats, or maybe they just can’t run away as effectively when they’re sick. The scientists thought of this too, and there is now a lot of experimental evidence supporting the idea that rats very specifically seek out the smell of cats.

Rodents normally avoid cat scent. Even born-and-bred lab animals that have never met a cat in their lives show an innate aversion to the scent. Except, that is, if they’re infected with toxo. There is even a dose-response curve like you would see with a drug.

And meanwhile, everything else about the rat is normal. Its sense of smell, its social behaviors, its ability to learn, and even its ability to learn to fear things. Its anxiety about other stimuli (everything dangerous except cats) is completely normal. The effect extends to the smell of both domestic cats and bobcats, but not to the scent of other animals they’ve tested, including dogs and humans."

from http://loxosceles.wordpress.com/2008/10/28/47/
I've heard that this virus is also harmful to pregnant humans

reminds me of the old In Living Color skit with Jim Carrey selling flat-u-scents. Is this a new car?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/3797892/Burger-King-releases-meat-scented-cologne.html

http://lyricwiki.org/U2:Miracle_Drug

I want a trip inside your head
Spend the day there…
To hear the things you haven’t said
And see what you might see

I want to hear you when you call
Do you feel anything at all?
I want to see your thoughts take shape
And walk right out

Freedom has a scent
Like the top of a new born baby’s head

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I’ve seen enough I’m not giving up
On a miracle drug

Of science and the human heart
There is no limit
There is no failure here sweetheart
Just when you quit…

I am you and you are mine
Love makes nonsense of space
And time… will disappear
Love and logic keep us clear
Reason is on our side, love…

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I’ve had enough of romantic love
I’d give it up, yeah, I’d give it up
For a miracle, a miracle drug, a miracle drug

God I need your help tonight

Beneath the noise
Below the din
I hear a voice
It’s whispering
In science and in medicine
“I was a stranger
You took me in”

The songs are in your eyes
I see them when you smile
I’ve had enough of romantic love
I’d give it up, yeah, I’d give it up
For a miracle, miracle drug

Miracle, miracle drug

i was at an animal sanctuary the other day where they have a number of foxes. apparently they turn up in shelters all the time.

Mother has cubs, but when ppl approach she ducks down in the den, leaving cubs behind. folks come along, think cubs are abandonded and "rescue them". Take them home and keep them as pets, until they mature and start scent marking. Then they take them to shelters - because they're now tame they can't be re-released so are "put down".

Apparently 100s are put down every year, perfectly tame, perfectly happy foxes that just smell (a lot).

If you have some outdoors for them to live, "most animal rescue centres would love you to have them" so they don't have to be put down. (was what I was told)

This video is NOT:
Spacy - contains no content relating to the clouds or beyond
Philosophical - unless you acknowledge that this man is pursuing knowledge, like almost all of us
Obscure - there are plenty of anatomy and TED videos on this site.
You're lucky that i'm only bronze, or i'd * nochannel you like crazy.

>> ^vairetube:
i love being human..we are so far apart yet connected at all times to all things...it's horribly lovely, fantastically awful. i like how this guy sounds certain vowels.
oh yea also this is awesome.


I have reason to believe you are, in fact, a cat.

A mixture of burnt mansions and Astroglide.

>> ^blankfist:
I wonder what Californium smells like?

>> ^blankfist:
I wonder what Californium smells like?


Probably like burning.