Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

-

I was walking across a bridge one day and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said,

"Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
"Well, there is so much to live for."
"Like what?"
"Well, are you religious?"
He said yes.
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow, me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915."
I said, "Die, heretic," and pushed him off.

-

A man is sitting in his easy chair reading the paper, when his eldest daughter, age 9, runs up to him and says "Daddy, Daddy! Why is my name Rose?"

He replies, "Well, honey, when you were born, we couldn't decide on a name, but just then, a rose petal floated into the room and landed right on your forehead, and that's why we named you Rose."

Just then, his middle daughter, age 7, runs up and says "Daddy, Daddy! Why is my name Snowflake?"

He replies, "Well, honey, when you were born, we couldn't decide on a name, but just then, a snowflake floated into the room and landed right on your forehead, and that's why we named you Snowflake."

Then, his youngest daughter runs up and says "NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNGH"

And he says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

So this lady had three daughters. The first came up to her and asked in the sweetest, cutest voice possible "Why is my name Petal mommy?"

"Well, when you were born a rose petal fell from the sky and landed on your head. So we decided to call you Petal."

"Thanks Mommy."

The second daughter came up to her and asked "Mommy, why is my name Feather?"

"Well, when you were born a feather fell down from the sky and landed on your head. So we decided to call you Feather."

The Third daughter came up to her mom and said "wWaaaarghhhGHHHNppppoooooobbbbtTUUUP!!!!"

"Wait your turn Refridgerator!" said the mother.

my inner demons compel me to be here
your cheeks are flush like rose petals
you're consumed with rage but i'm consumed with you

our eyes intertwine through the haze
intoxicated by your bloodshot stare
in all of my dreams i never thought i'd see
a face that could launch a thousand ships

and the music was like wind in your hair
the moonlight caressed your silhouette
kiss of ocean mist is in the air
why must god punish me this way

lay down my hand the next move is yours
as you undress me with your frozen eyes
in all of my dreams I never thought I'd see
an endless love to share my blue lagoon

and the music was like wind in your hair
the moonlight caressed your silhouette
kiss of ocean mist is in the air
why must god punish me this way

happiness is hard to come by
but I've had my fair share
the satin sheets, the lemon peels
the minor keys, the major pills
we've climbed the mountain, saw the top
and planted the apple seed
and can't you see we could've had it all

and the music was like wind in your hair
the moonlight caressed your silhouette
kiss of ocean mist is in the air
why must God punish me this way

and the music was like wind in your hair
the moonlight caressed your silhouette
kiss of ocean mist is in the air
why must god punish me this way
why must god punish me this way
this way, this way, this way ...

that's not a joke... this is a joke:

Once upon a time there was nice lady who had three daughters.

The first daughter came up to her one day and said, "Mommy? Why's my name petal?"

"Well, when you were a baby, a rose petal floated down from the sky and landed on your head, so we called you petal."

"Thanks mommy!"

The second daughter came up to her and said, "Mommy? Why's my name feather?"

"Well, when you were a baby, a feather floated down from the sky and landed on your head, so we called you feather."

"Thanks mommy!"

And the third duaghter came up to her and said "AWWWHHEHUEUERRRRRUGGHHH!!!!"

and the mother said "Wait your turn Refrigerator!!"

She is confused. American Beauty != America's Sweethearts (and no rose petals either)

One would think that this whole cheerleader thing is the America's biggest cliche. Then you get hit by rose petals and it's all original again.