I know exactly what you did there....

Not that I'm judging or anything. I'm all about masturbation myself.

Utterly embarrassing, puerile, mutual masturbation. Also, anyone who lists a brain washing work of fiction - the bible - as their favorite book, is delusional and, as such, unfit for high office.

Ever masturbate? You just did the equivalent of what an early term abortion is. It's a whole whack of cell goop that just gets taken away.

Also, killing any human after it's born is kinda.. you know, illegal? Pretty sure that may be a load of crap.

My cat at least has the decency to look ashamed and walk away when I'm masturbating.

*promote (got me by 5 min)

When a man doesn’t love a woman very very much
He signs away his paternal rights and jizzes in a cup
Then with lots of money and scientific genius
Hormones, pain and of course, um… Jesus

The process begins the way god intended
With a transvaginal ultrasound
With a wand longer than a ukulele
When it comes out of my body, it makes this sound (pop)

I give myself daily intradermal injections
An acute blood thinner and estrogen concurrence
Cryopreservation through hormonal activation
And none of it’s covered by insurance

Then I’m knocked out and you’re removed
And combined with a stranger’s come
And as the saying goes
You win some, you lose some/you dispose of the defective ones in a hazardous waste bin

And then you’re frozen until I’m certain
It’s time to unthaw you into a person
Then you’ll expire or you’ll make the grade
And that, my darling, that’s how babies are made
(It’s so easy and natural)

CHORUS:
Hush little egg baby don’t say a word
Mama’s gonna freeze you til she gets rich

And when that day finally arrives
You’ll be constructed in a petri dish
With sperm donor 8w6-3
The silent partner of our family

So hush little egg baby don’t be sad
Just because I never fucked your dad

VERSE 2:
I know there are orphans everywhere
But I’m going to pretend that isn’t real
Don’t look at me like that just cause I admit it
You had kids and you knew the deal

Yeah I feel guilty about overpopulation
And ruining the environment for forever
But Osama Bin Laden had 20 kids
So fuck you or whatever

Sadly procreation is not a meritocracy
And we need to prevent a real life Idiocracy
Though it may be the ultimate form of narcissism
It’s also a way to re-reverse reverse Darwinism

Gonna mute the sound of that ticking clock
I just need the sperm now I don’t need the cock
My ovaries are like hey girl I’m over here
And I’m all like shhhh

I want all the stuff I don’t need a bucket list
It doesn’t make me greedy it just makes me feminist
Now I’m thinking back through all the guys I’ve dated
If they heard this song they’d fucking hate it

CHORUS:
Hush little egg baby don’t you cry
You’ll have the best genes mommy can buy

I don’t want to wait until I get in dire straights
My friends say if I want kids I should go out on some dates
But these working bitches don’t have time to leave it to the fates
The world deserves more Riki’s and the world deserves more Kate’s

So hush little egg baby dad’s are overrated
He did what mattered when he masturbated

BRIDGE:
Hush little egg baby just hold firm
Mama’s gonna buy you designer sperm

And if that sperm gives you random traits
Mama’s gonna test your dna

And if your dna doesn’t make things clear
Mama’s gonna just have to live in fear

And if that fear turns into guilt
Mama’s gonna hold onto what we built

And if I hold too tight as to suffocate
I’ll buy you lots of things to overcompensate

And if that overcompensation’s too transparent
I’ll pretend it’s somehow better with no male parent

And if you say but mom who’s my dad
I’ll say I don’t know and it’s just too bad

And if that badness forms a hole in your heart
I’ll want to make it up to you but won’t know where to start

I’ll probably start by saying it’s just you and me
And there’s no such thing as a normal family

So fuck being normal and let’s do this shit
Momma’s gonna freeze you til she… gets…. rich

You can't hide from ceiling cat, especially if you're masturbating.

Tags for this video have been changed from 'comic, offensive, obscene, sex, masturbation, amsterdam' to 'comic, offensive, obscene, sex, masturbation, amsterdam, Jim Jefferies' - edited by eric3579

Somewhere, Sig Hansen masturbates furiously . . .

I'll have to remember this trick the next time I'm masturbating in the living room and someone is about to walk in. Stick a Kleenex box over my head, pure genius.

No, there is a world of difference between having a responsibility for your plight and choosing how you respond.

The correct response to being assaulted, robbed, or otherwise offended against, is never to bow down to what your attackers want. You can apply this logic to all kinds of situations.

Don't want cat calls? Don't wear a sexy outfit.
Don't want to be gay bashed? Don't go into the rural south.
Didn't want to be shot? Shouldn't have published those cartoons.

FUCK

THAT

SHIT

But funnily enough, no-one ever tells a white guy that if he didn't want to be car-jacked, he shouldn't be driving that corvette.

It's pretty fucking awful that the assholes who stole the photos manage to be both puritan and lecherous at the same time. Telling the woman she's a slut for posing naked whilst masturbating to the images. It's the height of hypocrisy.

And meanwhile, you have a bunch of guys telling her what she should or shouldn't do in the privacy of her own home.

Bizarre.

Masturbation is serious business.

Edit: Oh god those suggested videos!

I agree. It starts with "Shut up and calculate" and ends with nothing useful. I'm not sure we're moving forward with anything but mathematical masturbation at this point. It's very frustrating.

LMFAO!!
not sure if I should masturbate or slit my wrists.
Somehow, I think knowing the translation would only ruin this masterpiece.
I'm sending you some points Newt, since I can't promote this myself!
Congrats on the well earned gold!
树皮咕咕鸡

As an American (who hasn't lived there for almost 10 years), I think that in US English "beat off" is synonymous with "fend off", but that usage is old-fashioned almost to the point of being archaic within the US, and many people especially those under 20 years of age would likely not know the "fend off" definition (or even what "fend off" means, honestly).

The colloquial definition that he reacted to would be the intended definition 99% of the times that you heard the phrase used in the US.

My guess is that the situation is somewhat reversed in British English -- it would mean "fend off" 90% of the times it is said, with the other 10% talking about masturbation and knowing the slang definition from US media. I make that guess as someone who has been to the UK a few times and has British friends that I work with every day, but I wouldn't claim to be an expert about British vs US English.

Sounds like the ratio might be similar in Australia, or maybe even more in favor of the "fend off" meaning like 95/5? Interesting how those things vary so much from place to place.