Steve Jobs Resigns After Realizing Technology Has Gone As Far As It Can, Congress bets the farm on one last big bill, publicists agree that the nation's celebrities are in dire need of more fame, and Jesus... continue reading

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 2 months 3 weeks ago • 1,898 views • 2:19

The former number one sex-haver in the world continued the longest slump of his coital career, unable to bring home a local dive bar waitress and have sex with her.

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 3 months ago • 1,428 views • 3:19

Friends and family have gathered to pray for the miners trapped in dead-end jobs a thousand feet below the surface.

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 3 months 1 week ago • 1,660 views • 2:26

The Onion recaps the news for the week of August 8, 2011.

posted by dotdude 1 decade 3 years 3 months 1 week ago • 2,083 views • 1:40

The onion - Week in review - July 11, 2011 China agrees to forgive a portion U.S. debt if Americans dress up in costumes and perform silly dances for them, a drunk pilot pulls over onto a cloud, and... continue reading

posted by ZappaDanMan 1 decade 3 years 3 months 2 weeks ago • 2,287 views • 1:21

The new law will remove restrictions on cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol as well as provide tax incentives for seniors who bungee jump off of cliffs.[youtube desc]

posted by Grimm 1 decade 3 years 4 months ago • 1,859 views • 1:57

Where We Masturbate? Many parents bring their children to R-rated movies, but are minors mature enough to see our In The Know panelists masturbating to the adult content on the screen?

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 4 months 1 week ago • 1,367 views • 2:46

On The Cressbeckler Stance, Joad explains how the harsh conditions in mining camps can require two men becoming one.

posted by Grimm 1 decade 3 years 4 months 1 week ago • 842 views • 3:41

After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 4 months 2 weeks ago • 1,016 views • 2:49

Panelists debate whether the U.S. is doing enough to heed the warnings of coal industry scientists who say turbines could blow the Earth right into the sun. -YT

posted by geo321 1 decade 3 years 4 months 2 weeks ago • 4,250 views • 2:47

The FBI says the warning signs that Bay would eventually carry out a terrorist attack were startlingly obvious in retrospect.

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 4 months 2 weeks ago • 1,155 views • 1:37

Green Lantern To Fulfill America's Wish To See Lantern-Based Characters On Big Screen Star Fix reports on the new "Green Lantern" movie based on the comic-book hero everyone definitely knew about before... continue reading

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 5 months 1 week ago • 1,557 views • 1:58

Travel expert Cathy Barnette shows Jim and Tracy how to see the world without spending a dime or even leaving your home.

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 5 months 2 weeks ago • 1,109 views • 2:28

In order to spur coupling, the National Dating Agency has lowered standards to include gambling addicts and the morbidly obese.

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 5 months 3 weeks ago • 1,058 views • 1:30

In The Know panelists discuss a new congressional report linking all of America's problems to the fact that our entire nation was built on top of Native American graves.

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 5 months 3 weeks ago • 1,174 views • 2:51

Warner Bros. will recut the last four minutes of "The Deathly Hollows: Part 2" and stretch it into seven films so fans can enjoy the Harry Potter franchise for another decade.

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 6 months ago • 1,618 views • 2:45

The Onion News Network Special Investigative Undercover Response Team reports on whether the nation's waitresses are just being friendly.

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 6 months ago • 3,450 views • 2:35

"Sex With A B-List Celebrity" is just one of several proposals being proposed as the dead American Dream's replacement.

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 6 months 2 weeks ago • 1,560 views • 1:43

President Obama denies he's spending hours at billionaire Adelia Scott's bedside as part of a scheme to lower the national debt, but many Americans think otherwise.

posted by Zifnab 1 decade 3 years 6 months 3 weeks ago • 1,062 views • 2:26