I like either puns or mental word play personally.

"I submitted ten puns to a contest but did I win? No Pun In Ten Did!"

Also, a crude one:
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? The Stones sang "Hey, you, Get off of my cloud". The Scotsman said "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

I think we're on the same humor wavelength dag

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Those are good.>> ^darkrowan:

I like either puns or mental word play personally.
"I submitted ten puns to a contest but did I win? No Pun In Ten Did!"
Also, a crude one:
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? The Stones sang "Hey, you, Get off of my cloud". The Scotsman said "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

I'm a big fan of lame jokes. The lamer and the unfunnier the better. I have a whole slew of terrible comebacks for expletives. Like if someone says, "Shit." I say, "Go ahead, it's your pants." It's dumb, I know. I have more.

"Damn."
"That's what holds the water back."

"Fuck."
"Go ahead, just not me."

You get the idea. Not funny, but I think that's the point of it that I enjoy.

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he needed a poo... (kneaded).

Oh, and my favourite joke of recent times. What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Tenish.

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^Love those - how about this one:

Q: What's long, brown and sticky?
A: A piece of poo.

OK, now I know what I like- I like dumb jokes about jokes - that are based on the listener knowing the original:

Where does a general keep his legsies?
In his pantsies.

Really it's just kind of an insular joke with myself - I could tell myself jokes like that all day - faking myself out with a dumb answer that was not the punchline I was expecting.

The wiki used to have a good anti-humor joke up:

A moose walks into a bar and says 'blood is the lipstick of wounds'. The bartender has no idea why the moose said this, or how it was able to speak.

I guess I like to play off the expectations of others and enjoy puzzlement just as much as a laugh.

A few weeks ago, I texted blankfist with 'How many libertarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?', but he wasn't having it. For the record, I was going to say 'One libertarian, assuming that libertarian did not have a mental or physical condition that would prevent such an activity.' I was going to follow up with 'Why did the Libertarian cross the road?' answer: "I don't know. I didn't ask."

Dag walks into a bar, and says "Ouch!"

I've always been a fan of comedy that requires the audience to work out the joke. Steven Wright is a perfect example:

"No matter what temperature it is in a room, it's always room temperature."
"I once walked into a restaurant. They said they served breakfast any time. So I had pancakes during the Renaissance."

Also, comedians that can engage with a good story. Cosby, Larry Miller, etc.

Another personal Fav of mine is more a retort to throw off an insult, and your joke reminded me of it:

"Fuck You!"
"Sorry, you're not my type" (throws off men more than women )

>> ^blankfist:

"Fuck."
"Go ahead, just not me."

What's brown and sticky? A stick.
What's orange and sticky? An orange.
What's clear and sticky? Semen.

I used to tell this one joke that was super long, and the whole point was for it to be super long and tedious, and then the punchline didn't make any sense.

It was about a girl with a golden screw in her bellybutton, and the whole joke is the father trying to get it out, so he tries himself, then he goes to a doctor, and the doctor sends him to a specialist, and so on... At the very end of the story the girl is atop mountain in a Tibetan temple where a special medicine man was able to remove the screw using ancient magic. And then you lean in and with your spooky voice you say, "the girl then sat up and said... COOL. Thanks!" End of joke.

It can be a twenty minute joke. All the while your friends are bored, and they will try to stop you, but you have to tell them, "wait, I'm getting to the good part." And there is no good part. And I wonder why I have no friends. There's an alternate version of this joke: when the screw is removed, the girl or boy's butt falls off. Not nearly as good. Not nearly as satisfying as my version.

I love jokes that take me off guard, where I can't anticipate the punch line. Jimmy Carr is great at make jokes that stop 3 steps earlier than you expect. He made the even shorter joke than the pretentious one:
"dwarf shortage"

but in jokes like those, the delivery is crucial. There's nothing worse than having a crappy story teller deliver a joke.

Mitch Hedberg was a king of the kind of short-fire, fast shooting stand up which is just excellent. He was also a master at delivering his jokes.

Bill Hicks is sorta the opposite with long-winded stories. George Carlin and Eddie Murphy is the same way. Most are like this.

Delivery in itself can make just about any story hilarious. I can point to people like Kevin Smith or Ron White for those kind of storytellers.

"hey man, if the engine falls off, how far do you think the plane will make it, man, how far do you think??"
"all the way to the scene of the crash.. which is where we're headed. I bet we'll beat the paramedics there by about half an hour." Heh.

Thank you

three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw!"

just wrote a joke this past week. not so much a joke as a short, funny scene in a screenplay, and as such it works better in action than in print, but i'll share it anyway.

one of the characters is being introduced as having quit hundreds of jobs, as we see a series of 6-8 brief flashbacks of him quitting a variety of jobs under funny circumstances. one of which is the following.

a large office cubicle interior, daytime, and a manager is addressing a half dozen of his employees. the character is one of these employees, and judging from their faces it's clearly not good news.
the manager closes with "Are there any questions?"

our smiling slacker raises his hand and asks innocuously, "Do you know what a cubit is?"

confused by the non sequitor, the manager half-smiles as he answers no.

presenting his forearm, bent vertically at the elbow, and using his other hand with a flourish reminiscent of a game show hostess as he points to either end, our gleeful delinquent begins, "An ancient standard of measurement, generally agreed to be from the end of the elbow, to the tip of the finger."

at this point he's clearly giving his boss the finger, but he continues while the other employees try to hide nervous laughter.

"in the bible, noah's ark is described as being 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 tall. now, given those parameters, do you think it's possible that..."
(he goes on while the view alternates between over the quitter's shoulder, gesture slightly out of focus in the prominent left foreground with the boss's growing recognition displayed on the right, then switching to over the boss's shoulder.)

after about 30 seconds of this he concludes, finally lets his arm fall to his side, briefly surveys the awkward silence, and says "Oh. And I quit."

so, next time someone pisses you off, just ask if they know what a cubit is.

I'm a big fan of dark, witty and intelligent humor, but also of corny humor if delivered ironically. I do a lot of goofy things that nobody else will ever see or hear because they amuse me. A few years ago I was digging up pictures of Gothic architecture and churches to use as reference. I named the folder I threw them in "Holy Shit". It wasn't witty or intelligent, but it made me laugh to myself a little bit.

Toilet humor died a long time ago for me. It's too obvious. I've already thought of the punchline by the time you've gotten to it.

It's become apparent to me that my favorite humor is not the favorite humor of the Sift in general, based on which of my comments get applauded. This, for example, is one of my highest-voted jokes and yet I thought it was totally obvious and not especially funny. This, this, this and this, however, are hilarious to me.

I like racist jokes.

>> ^my15minutes:

cubits -snip-

Haha, that would be pretty hilarious to watch. Clever one.

@Overcast: That first one wasn't so much funny as it was just very clever (albeit obvious).

The jokes my family hates to hear me repeat...

Q: What's the best way to catch a fish?
A: Have someone throw it to you.

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It Was Dead.

Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: It was stapled to the first one.

Q: What's Red and White and hangs from trees?
A: A baby that got run over by a snow blower

Me: Ask me if I'm a tree...
Them: Are you a Tree?
Me: No.

Me: Ask me if I'm a bush...
Them: Are you a bush?
Me: Yes.
Me: Now ask me if I'm a tree...
Them: Are you a tree?
Me: No, I just told you I was a bush...

.. I just bought some instant water, but I don't know what to ad to it...

Also... My Kids hate when...

They say, "I'm Hungry.."
I say, "Hello Hungry, I'm Len"

They say, "I'm cold..."
I say, "Hello Cold, I'm Len"
Then I like to hold my hand out and shake their hands...

I'm to the point where they are starting to stop complaining and just do something about it first.
The point is, why are they telling me, If, you're cold, put more clothing on, if you are hungry, eat something...

Darn Kids - My best role model ever: the Dad from Calvin and Hobbes!

http://treebeard31.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/calvin.gif
http://www.freewebs.com/calvin-hobbes-org/The%20trees%20are%20really%20sneezing%20today.jpg
http://socaltheologica.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/calvin-and-hobbes.jpg

Typical reaction from my wife: http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/ch/1986/ch861126.gif

I totally have my kids convinced that clouds are merely smokescreens that are there solely for the purpose of Aliens in spaceships, hiding.
... OK, maybe at first, but I think they are starting to catch on...

TO take advantage of Green/New workers we used to say " hand me that matter daddy" or " it must be the fucking matter daddy fucking up again "


Where upon you would get a reply from most unknowing newbies, " whats a matter daddy ? "

Where your new subordination has just called you daddy and asked you whats wrong. a followup would consist of " oh nothing son...... Enter fantastic quip here .

I went up and told bleed me goods joke to my brother and he told me a racial one that included a parrot and an person of African decent. I went with the one I posted....

What did the pig put on his wound?

Oinkment.


From the string cheese wrapper:


How did the chicken keep the beat?

With his drumsticks!



What's a cat's favorite dessert?

Mice cream.