thinker247's Sift Talk Posts

Falskaar, a new Skyrim mod

Whoa there, horsie...

I don't play video games, but I know a lot of people who do. I also know one person who makes video games, including this one that took him over a year and a half to complete.

I'm not trying to sell anything to you, so don't ban me, bro. Or tase me. Bro.

If you enjoy Skyrim and wish you could play it for at least 30 more hours and finish 26 new quests on a brand-new island, play this freaking game!

VS Gave me VD at the 49th Parallel

I recently woke up in a haze, drenched in sweat. I was surrounded by Internet nerds and cretins of various sizes and trolling abilities. A strainer stared down at me with cold, dead metal eyes. I tried to scream, but was unable. I tried to move my arms, but they were locked in pixelated handcuffs. I felt anxious and unsteady, unwilling to accept the reality that I was, indeed, trapped in a dungeon of hypertext transfer protocol.

Videos of gaseous cats and Moonies spinning around on escalators danced above my head. They flashed away, only to be replaced by more videos of Simpsons clips and Rebecca Black parodies or whatever else was hip with geeks at the moment. I was haunted by threads of incoherent banter and hyperbolic ad hominem arguments. There was no end to the madness.

Suddenly, a beam of light shone across my face and without warning all of the monsters that decended upon me were vaporized. I cast my eyes around the room, but did not see my savior. I was able to free myself from the shackles and I stood, wobbly but craving to escape. Just then, a figure stepped into the doorway. I was ready to run toward it when it said:

"My name is Dag. Suck my balls. LOLcatz!!1"

I knew the end had come. I grabbed a nearby gun and placed it against my head. I pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. I pulled once more, but nothing happened. I tried a third time and the gun oozed sperm out of the end, then giggled and said:

"Blankfist FTW!!!1"

I screamed and threw it to the ground. It shattered into a thousand pieces, each one a slightly smaller version of the original gun. They laughed in unison:

"You cannot destroy that which was never created! We are everlasting! Have you seen Mateo? WTFBBQ?!"

I was losing grip on reality. Nothing made sense. Everything was lost. Hope was gone. Dreams were crushed. And at my wit's end a whimpering voice cried out from the dark corner. It cried:


Roast Interview for MrFisk

I hope this prepares you for your "humor," which I expect to be paltry and bland in comparison to my mighty hilarity.


Roast Interview

1. Why did you join VideoSift?
I began watching VideoSift because it was well-organized and I was looking for videos to put on MySpace. Like many people, I lurked here for almost a year before becoming a member. There were so many good videos and interesting people.
I joined after I found a video of Jesse Ventura talking shit about the Bush administration that hadn’t been posted (it made top 15). Also, I wanted to leave comments.
And then I was Siftquisitioned…

2. Do you have any embarrassing secrets to share with the group?
I’m not easily embarrassed.

3. Is that a dildo in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?
That is not a dildo in my pocket. I used sell dildos though. I needed a job in my early 20s and I applied to every business downtown. The only place that hired me was the porn store, so I worked there for four months.
I had a boner for two weeks straight. Eventually, I developed a tolerance.
The store had a preview room and theater, which were actually two big-screen-T.V.s and some folding metal chairs. I got hit on by old gay men a lot. I was grossed out more than I was flattered.

4. What is your profession?
I’m a non-traditional student. Non-traditional means older (I put Van Wilder to shame). I will graduate with a bachelor’s degree in journalism from the University of Nebraska-Lincoln at the end of the year. I plan to write good stuff somewhere, although I may go into public relations first.
I’m also a bartender, although I was laid off last month. I’ve worked in a dance club and a nice hotel.
I used to be a cook.

5. Who is your favorite grandparent, and do they feel a smug sense of superiority knowing that they're the best?
My granddad was one of the best people I’ve ever met. The one from my mom’s side was dead before I touched ground, but the one on my dad’s side was just a great man. I don’t think my granddad could have been smug, unless it was something about Texas’ superiority.

6. Why would anybody live in Nebraska?
It’s cheap and easy. There is a great university in Lincoln. Also, it’s a good place to raise a family, especially if you’re not worried about your weight.
I wrote a column about it last year:

7. Who is your favorite serial killer and why?
My favorite serial killer is Belle Gunness. She lured men to her home with the offer of marriage and then killed them and fed them to her pigs.
I like her because she’s a woman and because she got away.

8. How do you spend your weekends?
I used to work; now I drink. Sometimes I go out. I like to play chess and read. I watch T.V. shows online with my girlfriend.

9. Do you have a favorite movie? (Porn counts)
My favorite movie is Wild at Heart. My favorite porno is Little French Maid.

10. Why did you choose your particular avatar?
It’s a piece by Banksy that I love. I’ve always used Banksy’s work as my avatar, so it’s become sort of a trend .

11. How many times have you been caught naked in an elementary school playground?
Not once that I remember. I prefer being naked with my girlfriend.
I was arrested for indecent exposure in high school though. I pissed in an alley at lunch time. Actually, I pissed on a garden and the owner called the cops. They busted me on the way back to school. I was such an asshole when I was younger.

12. Have you ever been high?
I’m high right now.

134. Seriously, tell us something embarrassing. DO IT.
I got so drunk on New Year’s Eve that I pissed myself walking home. It was freezing outside and the gas station between my apartment and downtown refused to let me use the restroom. I was paranoid about getting busted en route and missed my objective by a block.

135. How many times must somebody say "That's what she said" before it stops being funny?
That saying is going to be around for a while. I really hate this question. I expected better from you.

136. Is it true that these roasts are really just a chance to call out Blankfist for his pedophilia?
Blankfist has always enjoyed the company of young boys. I hear he likes to fuck cats too. Once, he tried fucking a dog but it scratched him so hard that it broke an artery and he had to be rushed to the hospital with dog shit still on his limp dick, bleeding profusely and mumbling about cat farts.

i. Is this the first time you've been interviewed by someone better looking than you?
I’ve only been interviewed by the police. This is from an actual police report:
“Hale was very talkative during this time, telling me that there was a large meth problem in Nebraska City (where I graduated High School) and that he thought the police needed to pay better attention to the problem, Hale provided no information himself to implicate himself or to help out Law Enforcement. I read Hale his rights and asked him if the marijuana was his to which he replied no. When I asked him whose it was he replied it could belong to 100 people, but he failed to provide any names of who provided him with the marijuana or who was dealing meth in the Nebraska City area.”

17. What bothers you the most about humanity?
Injustice. Cicero said the more laws there are the more injustice there is. One of my goals as a journalist is to encourage lawmakers write, and the public to demand, more sensible laws.

18. If you could murder one person and never get into trouble for it, who would it be and why?
I wouldn’t murder anybody. I would like to capture Osama Bin Laden and force him into a cart that traveled across the country so that American citizens could throw bacon and shit at him.

19. Do you hate playing 20 Questions as much as I do?
I think there has got to be a better format for these roasts, but I am at a loss of how to do it.

20. Give us a parting quote to live by.
I love quotes, especially any by Aesop or Ambrose Bierce.
How about, “A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool.”
- Joseph Roux

Roast '11: Feelin' Fisky

Jesus Loves You!

Be warned, Sifters of Mercy. On Monday we will start the roast of Mr. Fisk.

Yours truly will be the emcee of this hootenanny. So get your thinkin' caps on and your rocks off in preparation for this momentous shindig, because if anybody is not funny, you will be hogtied and sent to the pits of Barbara Bush's underarms for all eternity!


1. Learn to take a fucking joke. I don't give a shit where you take it, just don't think you can keep it here just because you're some douchey religious fuck with an ass up your stick. Bring a bag lunch because we will only be giving out peanuts and half a can of Sprite.

2. Don't be courteous. Be mean, be brutal, be misanthropic with a little gleam of hope in your raping eye.

3. Eat plenty of fiber. It's good for your digestive tract.

Mazel tov!

How Tall is Our Fearless Dictator, Dagicus?

  (5 votes)
  (18 votes)
  (9 votes)
  (2 votes)
  (7 votes)

A total of 41 votes have been cast on this poll.

If you use the metric system, just guess. Or use the internet to find a conversion chart. Or go back to where you came from.

Please and Thank You and Howdoyoudo

I would like to use the ten Power Points I have, and I'd like to fix some deadpool videos for which I found new embeds.

brain and I were hobbitted "until this is sorted out."

Has it been sorted out? How much longer shall we lag in obscurity? Just wonderin'.

A Question of Numbers


Does anybody know of anybody who enjoys memorizing long strings of numbers? I seem to be the only person who does this. Or at least I haven't found anybody else who shares this trait.

BANanarama - Cruel Autumnal Equinox

I say we should ban everyone and start over. Dag and Lucky can morph into one Borg-hybrid of Siftbot. Choggie can rule with an iron slate and a blank fist. KP can TP the Sift Chat. Ant can lord over us with his six phalanges of downvote doom.

Netrunner can vulcanize the rubber stamps and get things moving, but only to the left. Rottenseed can go fuck himself, and we can all upvote the video of it while making funny comments that give us 15 one-handed claps from a masturbatory gwiz.

Issy and DFT can scratch the catnip towers and watch the servers melt into Three-Eleven oblivion yet again, while civilizations and civilized discourse are marred and scarred by Captain Planet, or is it Picard?

Zif can nab another top spot on the chutes and ladders of successful upvotes, while Farhad finds 2000 obscure references to cop culture, or enough to bring MG back home from the clutter of Middle Eastern oil sputtering derricks a-plenty.

All the while, thinker can leave on his socialist left-turn blinker, long enough to make QM sardonic, don't you think? It's like raining men on your traditional wedding day.

Ban them all, I say! Ban them all and let Dag sort them out. Sayeth the Lard, I can haz Amenz?

Who wants chowdah?

Stealing the idea from rottenseed, I have eight promotes waiting to enhance the state of eight videos, and I want to give them to you.


Tell me a good, true story from your childhood. You know, those memories that stick with you forever? Yeah, those.

Eight winners, eight great stories of childhood bliss.


Eyes without an Avatar

I'm, like, totally sorry and junk or whatever. Can I, like, be unhobbitted now so I can, like, downvote one of QM's comments? I mean, be a pro-active and law-abiding member of the Sift?

It would really mean a lot to me to rejoin the clan, or, like, you know. And stuff.

Re: My siftquisition of peggedbea and subsequent hobbitting

peggedbea left a rude, personal attack on my page:

"kentucky called, they need you to go back and mouth rape your cousins some more. theyre sick of watching her eat."

So I called a Siftquisition on her, as she broke FAQ 33:

"Please avoid personal attacks. It's okay to criticize ideas but refrain personal insults."

Granted, I also broke the rule, and in response she could have called a Siftquisition. But she did not. Instead, she retorted by breaking the rule. So I called a Siftquisition on her for it. And what happened?

It was deleted and I was hobbitted by gwiz665.

He says this on my profile:

You have been hobbled, do not continue your abuse of the sift. Thank you.
"Do Not call a Siftquistion for:

* a violation by a probationary account (they may be instabanned, banned in Sift Talk, or brought to the attention of an admin)
* minor infractions
* personal reasons
* retaliation
* practical jokes

Be aware that overzealous or spurious Siftquisitions are themselves violations and may result in the Siftquisitioner being Siftquisitioned

However, I did not break that rule when I Siftquisitioned peggedbea. I had valid reason, as stated here:

Call a Siftquisition to bring an established member before the community for a hearing because of:
a violation of the VideoSift guidelines

Therefore, I demand that I be unhobbitted, and allowed to rejoin the Fellowship of the Sift.

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