poolcleaner's Sift Talk Posts

they make two nests

Hi, uh, so I was looking outside my window and I noticed something strange: They make two nests.

I almost didn't notice it before but then I was watching them tonight when no one else was around... but they cocked heads and turned at... me. It was weird. I didn't think they had faces. I didn't think they would look at me.

Now when I peak slowly out of my window so it doesn't look like I'm even looking out, they just suddenly look right at me. I want them to go away. How do I make them go away?

[Dream Log] Hello and welcome to planet mundane

When I first awake from a dream, I can remember details with photographic accuracy, but if I wait too long they fade away forever. I had this vivid dream last night about a book that I needed to write, and in a waking stupor I wrote it all down -- but I wrote it down as it appeared to me in my dream: A rambling book inspired by God.

A word of warning: It's dream logic and punishing. I could have censored it but I didn't. I'll be honest, when I woke up I was frightened and the act of writing it down was frightening and kind of silly. Like an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Book Title: Hello and welcome to planet mundane


This is a cautionary tale about eating poop and aborting babies in their third trimester -- but only if you're a man and having a baby injected into your body by God. If eating poop and aborting Holy man born babies isn't or is a problem for you, continue reading anyway and never consider turning away from your screen.

There may be horrible acts of violence described henceforth... or that may very well be a threat to weed out the weak willed and genetically inferior. I'm just kidding, there is no such thing as genetically inferior subjects -- and, oh yes, you are a subject. (Thus sayeth the Lord.)

But not because you are inferior. Because you are superior. You have adapted to strange and awful forms of verbal harassment and mental torture that only a post-sadist world can breed.

Welcome then, weary traveler, to planet mundane...

Chapter 1 titled Poop Grown Potatoes are the Best

I woke up, I ate breakfast, I went to my job, I defecated, I worked, I ate, I defecated -- and then I took my defecation and I used it to grow potatoes. The potatoes tasted like me and I grew to like that taste.

All I could think about was how good my poop grown potatoes tasted. Why did I like the flavor of me so much? Was it because I am innately delicious or was it because I hadn't tasted poop grown potatoes of another flavor?

Thus my quest to acquire the defecation of other primates to grow new, ever more flavorful poop potatoes.

Chapter 2 titled Rambo: First Poop

I traveled from the land of offices and political discourse to a land of lava flows and lush tropical forests with cannibals that eat white liberal hippies. I respect the tribes, but I don't respect their cannibalism. Why don't they eat poop grown potatoes like the civilized people who formed our global economy?

After escaping the cannibal lands alive, minus a hand and two feet, I found a world from a dream that I had when I was eight years old. I knew all of the roads, all of the buildings, and all of its inhabitants: they were the aggressive and obscure animals of white people legend.

This was exactly the type of defecation I needed to find.

The first new poop I searched for was that of an aggressive wombat named Phil. A wombat is not a primate but that's besides the point -- he is or was (I forget what tense I'm in because a book is just my words -- MY WORDS and MY THOUGHTS... Not yours...)

As I was saying -- and I really do require a line break to get my point accross (and I mean accross, not across) -- as I was saying -- in MY goddamn book -- as I was saying, Phil was or is not a primate but he is or was a candidate for next best poop. Mine being the best.


Phil's poop was delicious and I didn't bother to use it to grow potatoes. I just ate the poop. And now I live on Phil's poop alone.

"In Phil's poop I trust.
All hail Phil's poop."

Is what I carved in my forehead.

So I wrote a poem about it.

Chapter 3 titled The Poem

There once was a man from planet mundane
That liked the taste of the brown colored stain
In his pants (stare at this line of text for 5 seconds, please.)
Then (long dramatic pause as I silently weep -- please do not rush to the next line)
he ate (long dramatic pause) Phil's poop (loudly weeping)
Again and again

Chapter 4 titled In the Beginning

The End

Chapter 5 titled Actually the Beginning Because I Lied

I am a man but I became pregnant and decided to get an abortion. I took the aborted child, well into its third trimester, and set it before my God as an offering -- and a warning:

Dear God,

How DARE you impregnate me with your half god child. I aborted it because I knew only God could have done such a thing. A man having a baby? How and for what purpose?

I'll never let you breed your half god children onto this mundane planet where we eat Phil's poop. NEVER!

Love and Sincerely,

Chapter 6 titled And Behold My Aborted Man Baby Is Risen

It's probably come to your attention and your understanding, dear subject, that this is a very self aware book. In fact, it is alive. Not physically, no, but it is spiritually alive -- and it has the power to come out of your computer screen like in the Ring, all evil and dead to claim your soul.

Because that aborted man baby is real. And so too is Phil the wombat and the poop sandwiches I make. All for you. So that you can be entertained, you spiritually dead and noxious token human -- fearing and praying the book is false. It is real.

And spiritually guided by God so that only this word is truth (or Truth -- gosh, the inspired word of God is confusing and yet legally binding and a basis for all democracy)

"Anyway," sayeth the Lord, "What was I saying?" I don't know, God, I'm simply writing your word as you have inspired me -- "Ah yes, I remember: Behold! My Aborted Man Baby Is Risen!"

But it's my man aborted man baby. "No, it's not." God lied, knowing full well I was in a mode of thought guided by His will, thus totally able to read His mind.

"Ok," God said sheepishly. "You're right -- no, I'm right. I'm right. I'm ALWAYS right." Thus sayeth the Lord. "Good, you get it now."

Chapter 7 titled The Last Chapter Confused Me Please Provide Me With A Brief Synopsis

Well, dear reader, err subject -- reader subject -- Dear reader subject,

You can simply skip to Chapter 7, if you're studying for a test in your future religious studies class, but if you've already read it thus far then hahaha, the joke is on you. Anyway, sayeth the Lord:

Chapter 1 is about how the author of this Holy book grew potatoes using his own poop and then planted them. It does an alright job at explaining that the author is bored as hell and wants to get ill, but yet he just eats poop potatoes, sleeps, works, and eats more poop potatoes; then, he wonders if other people's poop flavored potatoes taste better, so he goes on a quest to find better poop.

You'll have to excuse me, because it's getting late and yet the Lord still inspires me to write this Holy and VERY evil religious text, which isn't parody -- and I'm not kidding, I am truly inspired by God and if you don't believe in Him, well, then he'll reach out of your computer like in the Ring and make all your horrors come true. No for real -- what horrible tragedies have occurred in your life? All of those will become your hell, at the bottom of a well, in undeath with that awful girl and her face obscuring, long, black hair. I wonder if she gets hair in her stomach? You know, Sayeth the Lord, if you consume enough hair, it will form a massive hair ball in your stomach requiring surgery? Did you know that? I wonder if she does?

Chapter 2 is about how the author of this Holy book found an aggressive wombat named Phil, whose poop was so delicious the author decided not to grow potatoes with it but to just straight up eat the poop. Straight up, Sayeth the Lord, so sayeth I: Straight up.

The mysterious author then carves the following in his forehead:

"In Phil's poop I trust.
All hail Phil's poop."

That's important to remember for your religious studies test, so if I were you (which I am on a level of subconscious understanding that all life is One) I would memorize that. By the way, please read all of this in an Austrailian accent because that's how I'm thinking it. It's ridiculous, but it's true. That's not in Chapter 2, but it will be on your test about Chapter 7 under "Things in Chapter 7 that weren't in any of the other chapters," Sayeth the Lord.

The subtext indicates that a government by the people and for the people was formed on the concept of eating Phil's poop. Strange to believe but it is the word of God. Inspired and word for word accurate.

Chapter 3 is a vaguely artsy and won't be on the test, Sayeth the Lord.

Chapter 4 is considered by some to be apocrypha because I don't know who wrote it -- in fact, because Holy text is now typed and stored digitally, it's difficult to authenticate any new truly inspired words of God, but it has been foretold that it may have been entirely copy/pasted from 4chan. Thus sayeth the Lord, in the most mysterious and confusing way possible.

Chapter 5 is about how the author (a man) became pregnant with a baby he believed to have been placed in his body by God. So he writes a letter to God, but only before aborting the baby well into the third trimester.

The author invokes the name of Phil and then politely pens his name as "me".

Chapter 6 is a warning to all those that read the text that they will be cursed like in the Ring, where the girl comes out of the television, except it's the wrath of God and somehow like a hell based upon all your worst life experiences. It's enough to make you mad, but it's not me that said all of this, it's God's word, Sayeth the Lord.

Chapter 7 is a synopsis of the previous chapters, with a few extra bits of information and possible explanations validated as 100%, as the are the words of God.

And Chapter 8 is in your brain. Just concentrate really hard and meditate upon the Lord your God for the answers to your religious studies test.


This is the hidden message and final message from God:

I am a lie and I did not abort a man baby -- you did. In your thoughts and in your dreams you abort man babies every day. And you're eating poop without even knowing it. It's the word of God from your dreams and dreams are real.

JUMP SCARE -- the girl from the Ring comes out of your computer and scares you dead. AAAHHHHHHHH..! AHHHHHHHHHH..! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH -- I farted.

Author's Last Words

It all started with an idle threat, descending into poop jokes and purported man baby abortions. It displayed blasphemous text likely guided by the actual Devil, whom I worship and sacrifice goats to, and then ultimately... ultimately it ended with a jump scare and then a fart joke.

How low has humanity come that one man would type such rubbish? Yes, let us project our insecurities and fears about the whole world onto one man and his ramblings.

(Sayeth the Lord -- aha! And you thought I was breaking character -- NO, it IS the inspired works of God! Repent! This is still the dream -- it's a dream interpretation inside of a dream interpretation.)

Chinese Ninja Dolphins versus Pirates

I'm not one for lengthy discourse, so -- BWAH:


If I ever meet a dolphin I will make graven images and worship it.

What do you guys think of the actions made by these thousands of dolphins? I think I'd like to join their ranks and leave the human world behind, yes. Yes.


Taco Bell's NEW ContraceptiMelt

Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After' Burrito

"Taco Bell officials are excited about the offering. 'In the past, before Roe v. Wade, young women literally had to 'make a run for the border' to terminate an unwanted pregnancy,' Taco Bell public relations director Grant Lesko said. 'But now, women can make that same run for the border at over 7,300 convenient locations right in their own hometowns.'"

"'We are in no way advocating any particular view on this most sensitive of issues,' he said. 'We simply want to offer this option. And, of course, we fully respect our customers who decide to carry their babies to term. In fact, I'd like to point out that Taco Bell offers a wide variety of non-contraceptive menu items that can provide the crucial nutrients—such as mild sauce, shredded cheddar and beef—that a growing fetus needs to develop properly.'"

AHHHHHH... what?

This is my first sift talk. I don't have much to say. You probably won't gain any wisdom or deeper insight into the human condition -- but! -- I'm a little confused right now... about this comic: http://www.explosm.net/comics/1520/

Is that an "AHHHH" of abject pain; "AHHHH" like he's taking an amazingly long pee; "AHHHH... baby, do you have to leave so soon?"; or, is it "AHHHH, you're stealing my precious bodily fluids!!"?
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