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The Watermelon Joke That Saved Me After I Got Pulled Over

luxintenebris jokingly says...

moonsammy: great take. thumbs-up! crystalized my thoughts exactly!*

a couple of rules of comedy are 'know your audience' and [the joke] 'it has to be funny'. if there is no laugh, either you told it wrong, told it to the wrong person, or your wrong about it being funny. your audience is the final judge. not their duty to laff at your doody joke.

stukafox: okay [btw: the watermelon joke is very old] but not going w/the worst or nastiest, just with a few of old risqué ones.

novice is riding back to the convent w/the mother superior on their bicycles through the medieval section of the town. mother superior tells the novice "let's cut through this alleyway". the alley is long, rough and bumpy but the novice agrees. when they get back on the regular route the novice says, "that was new! I've never come that way before!" mother superior says, "it's the cobblestones."

a woman notices her neighbor's tomatoes are fully ripening while her's are still green. she asks him "how do you get your tomatoes to ripen so quickly?" he tells her, "I get up around dawn while I'm still in my bathrobe and open it and flash them. they get so embarrassed they turn red." women tells him she's going to try it but later in the evening. the next day, the neighbor sees the woman and asks "so? did it work?" the woman turns to tell him, "no. it didn't - but YOU SHOULD SEE MY CUCUMBERS!

an old woman was talking w/her younger friend. old woman tells her about some of the older woman in town. "oh! don't let them fool you! they were pretty wild in their day! " then she went on and listed all the men a trio of sisters went through and each tête à tête they had. the list was shockingly impressive enough that the younger woman said, "gee...maybe they couldn't help themselves...maybe they suffered from a hereditary disease?" the old woman cocks her head back and eyes the younger woman then says, "hereditary? hell! yes! it was! it was IN THEIR JEANS!!!"



*david letterman

Why you don't fire people and force them to finish the day.

poolcleaner says...

Are you kidding me? Call centers are like dark alleyways where you can do anything. Jesus, you moron. Every call center I've ever worked was just a cesspool of self assured dipshit managers and idiot idealist managers.

And not just call centers, I have been a game master at several different AAA game companies and the shit just happens. You're puzzled because you're a TOOL. Hire, fire, hire, hire, fire, hire, fire.

Get real. Sooooo shocking.

dogboy49 said:

I am a bit puzzled that the comments so far seem to be overlooking the actual underlying problem. This is obviously a management issue, and it is a shocking failure of management to foresee this business outcome. The manager who allowed this to happen is an absolute idiot, and should lose his job.

Or, maybe he was the first one to be let go.......

Oppressed Majority

dannym3141 says...

I think we have to give them artistic license to show as many examples as possible of the worst it can be, but at the same time it paints a pretty bleak picture where every single "man" acts compulsively and exaggeratedly sexist whenever they're within earshot of a "woman".

I don't like the more subtle aspects either - "men" peeing in alleyways? I've seen women peeing in alleyways and i consider it equally disgusting as men peeing in alleyways. Whoever does it is gross or utterly desperate, and by dint of easier access men are probably more inclined to take the risk of it. This embellishes the misogyny.

The clothing comparisons made is another example - they compare loose fitting shirt and shorts with (for example) skin tight, see through, almost naked stuff. Her dialogue at the end makes me think the author was being quite a bit tongue-in-cheek about that and therefore other bits. Topless jogging? How many would want to do that? Doesn't make good mechanical sense to me and i think you'd find a topless woman walking around my neighbourhood would be shopped in by the women who saw her, not the men.

I think if they're going to try to make a point with the rape scene then they needed to be less tongue-in-cheek with the goofy stuff that i think is added for a level of humour.

bluecliff said:

ofcs the cowards who put this up on youtube disabled comments and up/downvoting
this video is disgusting, filled with cliches, and portrays men like they're animals

so f*ck you, you can try to guilt-trip someone else

Bigger Pizzas: A Capitalist Case for Health Care Reform

VoodooV says...

and the people chanting "LET HIM DIE!!" are supposedly in the "pro-life" party.

I have no problem with personal responsibility. Contrary to what the GOP, Tea Party, and Libertarians would have you believe, pretty much everyone believes in personal responsibility and having consequences for your actions.

But there is a significant difference between:

1. Hey, you made a bad choice, sorry, but you don't get to have a two week vacation in cancun, you don't get to buy your kids the latest iPhone, sorry, that new car will have to wait a bit. You'll probaby have to sell your expensive home, yet still be able to have a basic home or afford a non-slum apt still.

and

2. Hey you made a bad choice, you now have to go live in an alleyway and/or live your life in severe physical pain and have a shortened life-span. Sorry, you won't be able to send your kids to college or retire now. Oh and I forgot, we're also going to make it as hard as possible for you to recover from your bad choice. You might as well brand yourself a failure forever. No second chance for you!

dead people can't learn things.

Scathing Critique of Reaction to Trayvon Martin Verdict

Porksandwich says...

Night photo of scene, Yellow Tarp is covering Trayvon's body.

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://static01.mediaite.com/med/wp-content/uploads/gallery/trayvon-martin-crime-scene-photos/slide_305143_2617618
_free.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.mediaite.com/online/trayvon-martin-crime-scene-pictures-shown-to-jury-graphic-photos/&h=399&w=600&sz=78&tbnid=gTA2MCebV
ELF2M:&tbnh=90&tbnw=135&zoom=1&usg=__A7K2FL0q-9QTbs1LWEQMyT24-bk=&docid=lg7SLr3w8FMIgM&sa=X&ei=Mc_kUc3fHrKl4AP13YHACA&ved=0CDAQ9QEwAQ&dur=248


Daytime photo of scene:

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://transferstation.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/spot-of-shooting.jpg&imgrefurl=http://marinadedave.com/journal/
2012/3/22/the-tragedy-of-trayvon-martin.html&h=1350&w=1800&sz=2038&tbnid=m1IKo5J0-675KM:&tbnh=94&tbnw=125&zoom=1&usg=__9IeX8ZPcjYhuuxVgrG-pvk6zszI=&do
cid=Qi5fmgt8p5KwWM&sa=X&ei=Mc_kUc3fHrKl4AP13YHACA&ved=0CE0Q9QEwCg&dur=16

So, not hedges blocking view on sides, but fences and building facades. Small trees to some degree blocking view. Generally and unlit walkway/footpath/alley overall.

As for definition of Alley: An alley or alleyway is a narrow lane found in urban areas, often for pedestrians only, which usually runs between or behind buildings

So I guess you can argue how narrow it has to be to be "narrow" and how "urban" this area is. The buildings aren't sky scrapers, but they rival the height of some of the buildings in the wiki pictures.

I'll take a few extra cookies for doing the looking up you could have done.

Darkhand said:

You vs Myself and Wikipedia ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alley )clearly have different definitions of what an "Alley" is. If you need help understanding look at the photos!

You're making it sound to be a dark nightmarish where terrible things await when in reality it is a gated community!

Also Please note I'm not trying to be a dick, but as this story gets older people keep adding hyperbole and it really needs to be dialed back.

Here's some images of this place.

http://www.407re.com/RetreatatTwinLakes

http://goo.gl/maps/mR2Nq

Sorry no cookie for you!

Senate says "no" to background checks for guns - Maddow

Nithern says...

Lets correct that. Its a lost for the American people, a win for the Gun Industry! By removing this concept, criminals can still get guns just as easily without the need for expensive forgeries. Would it stop gun violence from taking place? If we could see both realities before they happen, that would give us enough knowledge to decide on the merits of both actions. Unfortunately, we can not do that.

Another thing, if you think you can just walk on out to your car, and deal there, by-passing the gun show (with background check laws in effect) and laughing 'Those dumb libs didn't think of this'. That's just moments before the police/FBI nail you when you sell the guns without following the law. Now your a criminal! Who will sell guns to a known criminal? Only criminals. You forget that the USA can use drones for police enforcement....

Even further, selling guns behind closed doors, under the table, or down alleyways does everything to undermine the slogan "Honest and Law-Abiding Gun Owner".

bobknight33 said:

A victory for the American people.

We don't need yet another law that wont be enforced. Enforce the ones on the books.

The senators did not fail to do their job. It is a bad bill that no one wants.
It was so bad that the Democrats voted against it.

If you force gun shows to do background check then everyone will find away to get around that. They will have a gun show with no guns inside but everyone will be wheeling and dealing in the parking lot.

For every law there is a loop hole.

Sentencing on the other had is a different story.
Quit giving those who use guns to commit crime a light sentence. Make those who use guns in crimes have exceedingly harsh Sentencing and use it.

Louis C.K. Why Don't Humans Murder More?

poolcleaner says...

Murder is a difficult thing to get away with most of the time, and there's a level of sophisticated social engineering required before you can really rack up a count, otherwise you'll get caught around the 2 to 10 mark, like most people serving prison sentences that aren't drug or theft related.

But in all honesty, murder is not lucrative unless you're commander and chief to an army. The real money maker is hacking -- why doesn't EVERYONE hack? People on the internet are just slinging their credit card info and personal information around willy-nilly.

If you're a homeless person, here's what you do: (this is assuming you are so poor you have no money and little education beyond your street smart observation)

1. Steal someone's smartphone.
NOTE: If you are unsure what a "smartphone" is, just look for the people that are walking around, seemingly lost, looking at their phone the whole time. If you feel in control, ask them if they're lost. If they reply with a fragmented sentence about "GPS" or "Google maps", you have found your mark. If you're proficient with this style of conversation, find a way to lead them down an alleyway -- you know what to do after that. Example: They say they know that their destination is "somewhere around here, they just can't find the entrance", tell them that's because "the place is using a side entrance down this convenient alley."
2. Steal a second person's smartphone.
NOTE: Hopefully at least one of them isn't password locked. If both are, keep stealing until you have one that isn't.
3. Setup a free email account at Gmail and then go to Craigslist and sell the first device.
NOTE: Or Hotmail or Yahoo or Mailinator or whatever.
4. On the second device, find someone on Craigslist who will help you reset the first device so that no one can trace it back to you.
5. Use Google to learn how to hack, or better yet, just learn how to create phishing emails.
6. NOW HACK (or phish)!
7. You probably gave up on life a long time ago, so if you've figured out a foolproof way to steal smartphones, keep doing that, because people with smartphones are pretty dumb and hacking is actually kind of hard.

Special thanks to Google, Craigslist, smartphones, and the blind entitlement of your victims.

Streets of Plenty - 30 days homeless in Vancouver, BC

imstellar28 says...

Watched it all the way through. He definitely came across as an asshole in the first few episodes, going into it with a lot of preconceived notions. I do think it's worth it to see through to the end. After his crack and heroin use, I think he came out with a different perspective.

When the politician at the end was talking about "ending homelessness" I think what he really meant was just getting them out of the streets (and out of sight) not actually helping anyone improve their situation.

Gotta give it to him...he really did put his life on the line sleeping in the streets, diving through dumpsters getting his hands cut up and bleeding, buying intravenous drugs from a sketchy alleyway...

Jimmy Carr - If you were a soup, what soup would you be?

American girl flips the bird, throws drink in dudes face...

EndAll says...

I can't believe I left out my own story relating to this matter.. as I have engaged in some sort of violence against a woman! Alcohol was involved too, of course. It was my brother's 19th birthday party at our house - tons of people.. a bunch we didn't really know. Eventually these two or three ghetto lesbian chicks started smashing bottles in the alleyway.. kerfuffles broke out, drunk people started fighting drunk people, and eventually my friend (standing right beside me) was bottled in the head by one of these ladies. I gave her a shove, she fell and hit her head on a fencepost - nothing serious, just a cut. I don't regret that at all. This situation is entirely different though... as the girl in the video here didn't actually hit anyone. Just a little story.

spoco2 (Member Profile)

imstellar28 says...

Most people feel safer around cops not only because they have guns, but because everyone (including criminals) knows they have guns. Why? Because bullets hurt and criminals don't like getting shot. This is why cops are rarely mugged, as opposed to old ladies in dark alleyways.

If something had happened in Compton, like a couple guys walking up and stating "I'm gonna kill you" , are you telling me that you would feel less safe if two (armed) cops showed up? How about if two (visibly unarmed) random passersby showed up?

I find it hard to believe that you don't feel safer around people with guns.

The truth is that, in most cases you aren't going to be lucky enough to have a couple cops walk in on a crime in progress. If two people walk up to you and state that they are going to kill you, 911 isn't going to help, the only thing that could possibly save your life is a firearm carried a nearby citizen, or you. This is true whether the weapon is a gun, a knife, a baseball bat, or a fist.

In reply to this comment by spoco2:
I think you expect me to say 'Yes, because they had guns'.

But my actual answer is 'No, because they just sat in their car and told us to leave.

I don't think you'll ever see the point. You think that if you have a gun you're safe, and that everyone can have guns because then everyone is safe. But all it means is that more people die from guns.

In reply to this comment by imstellar28:
Did you feel safer next to the cops, and if so why?

In reply to this comment by spoco2:
Nope, because I live in a country with sensible gun control laws. (Australia)

Actually, the only time I've really feared for my wellbeing just by being in an area was when me and some friends somehow ended up in Compton, LA at night, and had the police bring us over to their squad car and tell us that we'd better get out of that area pretty quickly if we didn't want to be dead soon. Hurray for guns, hurray for everyone being armed, it makes you all so much safer.

In reply to this comment by imstellar28:
Just guessing, you've never been close to violence have you?


In reply to this comment by spoco2:
You keep repeating your mantra of 'you need guns to defend against other guns'.

You keep doing that if it makes you happy.

In reply to this comment by imstellar28:
A whoooole lot easier to kill people, and lots of them, who don't have guns, that is.

In reply to this comment by spoco2

To say that people have been able to kill people before the advent of guns is stating the absolute bleeding obvious, doesn't change the fact that guns make it a whoooole lot easier to kill people, and lots of them, quickly. And easier to accidentally kill people, or yourself for that matter.

Belle and Sebastian -- The Model (live)

Eklek says...

*love

I will confess to you
Because you made me think about the times
You turn the picture on to me and I'll turn over
The vision was a masterpiece of comic timing
But you wouldn't laugh at all
And I wonder what the boy was thinking
The picture was an old collage of something classical
The model with a tragic air
Because without a doubt he'd given up the fight
The ghost of somebody at his side
I will confess to you
Because I didn't think about the message
As I walked down the alleyway it was a Sunday
And all my friends deserted me because you painted me
As the fraud I really was
And if you think you see with just your eyes you're mad
'Cause Lisa learned a lot from putting on a blindfold
When she knew she had been bad
She met another blind kid at a fancy dress
It was the best sex she ever had
I'll send a dress to you
Because it's needing badly taken in
But I was so embarressed when I missed your party
It was me that paid for it eventually
Because you know how much I wanted
To meet your friend the star of stage and local press
The dream of all the bowlie boys that hang around here
And I'm no different from the rest
I'm not too proud to say that I'm okay with
The girl next door who's famous for showing her breasts
You're not impressed by me
But it's a funny way for you to tell me
A whisper in a choir stall
The man was talking about you simultaneously
Frankly, I let my heavy eyelids flutter
Because I have been sleeping badly lately
I know you were historical from all the books I've read
But I thought you could be bluffing
And with this chance I've missed I feel remiss
It's days and months before I see you again

The Sexual Position Of The Day - The Lost Remote

Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet

lucky760 says...

Thanks for the input, Baqueta. I also always thought it was "sings the streets a serenade," but when searching for the complete lyric listing I've found that "streetsuss" appears the only form ever used. After a little more searching, I feel certain that you've pegged it; "street-suss" seems a fairly common term.

From http://www.uri-geller.com/rage.htm :

Robert McNeil finds some aggressive street-suss being directed at the Festival luvvies. ...
"Meanwhile, the bar-room hangouts of the Edinburgh habitues resound to the sound of bitchily dismissive critiques of a 'scuzzy' circus which markets itself with an aggressive sense of street-suss, and which wins popular support by the barrel-load, but scores 'nil points' in Edinburgh's teaming enclaves of fey, androgynous arty-farty folk."
From M-W:
Main Entry: suss
Pronunciation: 's&s
Function: transitive verb
Etymology: by shortening & alteration from suspect
1 chiefly British : FIGURE OUT -- usually used with out
2 chiefly British : to inspect or investigate so as to gain more knowledge -- usually used with out
http://www.google.com/search?q=%22street-suss%22

So, Romeo serenades the bitter night with the fires of street wisdom burning in his soul, completing the sorrowful harmony which echoes through the alleyways and withering branches of barren trees ineluctably entering Juliet's solitude with an offer of sweet remorse.

...or something.

Extensive dominoes; Fatboy Slim - Champion Sound

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